New grandchild & feeling guilty

Perhaps your husband resents the attention you’re giving to your son’s little family, suggesting they only need your help because of their thoughtlessness in having a second child too close to their first.

He and your daughter will come to no harm if left to their own devices, and you are providing invaluable support where it’s most needed.

Stick to your guns and don’t feel guilty - you’re doing the right thing (& if you caved in and went home early you’d feel guilty as soon as you left).

good heavens the marshmallow generaton, i had 2 children under 4 and it was no problem at all, hubby worked 40 hour week , i looked after children and it wasnt heavy weather, my mum had 6, victorans had 9, get a grip , leave them to it, by the way dd you get any help with yours ?

Stay as long as you want to. Make the most of it and enjoy this special time. Your husband is old enough to look after himself! Don't let him make you feel guilty, it's not as if you live close by and can visit at the drop of a hat.

You are not being unrealistic.
Enjoy your time with your new grandchild.
The others are grown ups they can also manage.
As for your husband. Not so grown up. If he misses you then he could have stayed with you and helped to shoulder the load and responsibilities for a little while longer.
You are lucky to spend the time with them. I would in a heartbeat. We saw our DG hours after she was born and took a large homemade cottage pie for them. After that we were told to give them two weeks to get used to the new addition and routine! I was heartbroken 💔 especially as the young midwife was giving all the wrong advice to my DD! Awful when I saw them the next time and how much weight their baby had lost because of the stupid midwife who had never given birth herself.

I too am a paternal grandparent and was delighted when my lovely DIL wanted my involvement from day one. That early bond is so very precious , do stay !
DH was a tad put out but as has been said by others no guilt trip please. Enjoy.

PS. I had to go out to shop for baby formula as she was told she didn’t need it. Wrong. Her baby did need it! I am still cross.
Young mothers should listen to their own parents first and then make the decision that feels right for their new baby.
If you are not able to do that which most are then go to great grandparents or a wiser new mother!!

My GD lives in Dubai. In June my wife and i went over to the UAE to help out. I stayed for 10 days, she stayed on for another 4 weeks, as planned. No problem, we all coped, husband is being a bit of a poor me wet blanket in your case.

Your husband suggesting they should not have had their children so close together - what is that all about?
You are so fortunate to be asked to stay and help - how lovely is that !
You must ask yourself ' what do I really want to do' not ' what does my husband want me to do! Answer yourself with honesty and then do it. Easier said than done I recognise that.
When you do return home you will not be seeing them as often as you would like because of the distance. So enjoy it while you can , its a privilege to be asked to stay. Your husband will manage!

Stay, tell husband to grow up and stop being a baby.

monami

good heavens the marshmallow generaton, i had 2 children under 4 and it was no problem at all, hubby worked 40 hour week , i looked after children and it wasnt heavy weather, my mum had 6, victorans had 9, get a grip , leave them to it, by the way dd you get any help with yours ?

Your life is yours. It’s not anyone else’s standard by which to live and it doesn’t make you better than any other parent who needed a bit of help. Save your judgement for the grown man that can’t spend a few days away from his wife.

My way of making decisions is to make lists! I look at them as dispassionately as I can and make the final decision based on the greatest need. So, in this particular case:

List everyone in order of immediate importance.
What are everyone's individual needs?
How well could they cope if those needs aren't met and what might be the lasting effects of that?
What are your own needs?
How will you cope if my needs aren't met and what might be the lasting effects on you?
Could you cope if there were a a negative knock-on situation?
Will the whole furore die down eventually, or is there a chance that a family feud might develop?

If I were facing this, I'd say it's a no-brainer - stay and help, at least for the 4 days requested.
Have an open-ended time frame to allow for possible complications (within reason - I'd re-assess things periodically and change my focus as the situation changes).

To me, the baby is the most important person, followed closely by its sibling.
Next, the children's mother (who has physical stresses as well as emotional), then their father (who hasn't).
My husband would probably come next, or even somewhat lower down the list if complications crop up!
I don't want to criticise someone I haven't even met but he sounds a little immature if he can't take a little bit of disruption on a temporary basis - not even for his own family. If he wanted the car, he should have taken it when he left and come back to pick you up when you were ready. You could try reminding him (gently) that he is not the centre of the universe! (On the other hand, you know what his reaction is likely to be to that, so only you can gauge his reaction to that piece of news.)
Sorry if I sound cold and calculating, but I do get somewhat wound up by people who act like spoilt children when there are other people (some of whom are children!) whose needs are greater.
Good luck, anyway, whatever you decide.
And congratulations to all concerned!

You are so lucky and very kind too to be asked and give the help they need.Please stay your other half is wrong and being very childish. I have a grandaughter in Scotland only seen 3 times and I have been told they won't be coming anymore

"...if your needs aren't met..."

I think that makes in unanimous. Enjoy your grandchildren

What a nasty husband. Is it his daughter or just yours?

Quite the opposite of what is usually posted about new babies and GP. Usually seems GPs are excluded from any contact for a few weeks. Take it son will be on paternity leave to help and adjust. At least if you stay for the 4 days you may think you've done your bit and be more willing to let the family adjust to their new life.

I see monami’s point of view though I wouldn’t put it so bluntly. It seems a pity that no one foresaw the possibility of the baby not arriving on time and it making more sense for you to go a bit closer to the expected time.

It’s tough for you ànd I think in your position I’d stay the extra 4 days. But many of us had a second baby arriving while the first was a small toddler and we coped. I wouldn’t say your husband was being selfish. It’s hard for him too, especially without a car which may be at the bottom of it.

I don’t think you are being selfish to want to stay a bit longer with your grandchildren.
However in one way I think your son and his wife are being a little selfish to want all the help, babies rarely come on their due date so why did they need you two weeks before, most of us have to manage without any kind of help and if they didn’t think they would be able to cope why have another baby so soon, Although I can understand how nice it felt being wanted especially as the paternal side.

Stay

Stay! Your husband is old enough to take care of himself and be able to figure out how to get around without a car for a few days. The grandchildren are only this precious age for such a short time. Your kids and grandkids need you to get through this challenging adjustment time.

Your husband is being a pathetic idiot IMHO. To be so obviously jealous of a tiny baby and a toddler grandson is just not appropriate behaviour for a grown man. Spend the time with your son and his family for as long as they need you. It is truly a privilege that they trust you and love you and value your input as much as they obviously do. I feel really sad and sorry for you and your daughter.

monami

good heavens the marshmallow generaton, i had 2 children under 4 and it was no problem at all, hubby worked 40 hour week , i looked after children and it wasnt heavy weather, my mum had 6, victorans had 9, get a grip , leave them to it, by the way dd you get any help with yours ?

I think your reply is both offensive and not very nice. “Marshmallow generation” - I really don’t like your comment at all. So women have to pander to what the husbands/partners say or want!?!?!?

Shaming other mums, especially without knowing a single thing other than she had a baby close to another, says far worse about those shaming her than the parent themselves. For all any of the shamers know, she may very well have had other issues complicating her postpartum experience. Even if she didn’t so what if the parents need a bit of help? Not everyone’s existence is so simple that they can anticipate every minute detail of birth and post birth. Just because you lacked support doesn’t mean everyone else should forgo it. There are no prizes in life for struggling when help is available. You don’t get a gold star for “doing it on your own”. I say this as someone who had little to no outside support as my husband worked nearly constantly. It’s entirely possible to not view other people’s lives strictly through the prism of your own experience.

FranP

I think that makes in unanimous. Enjoy your grandchildren

You would think, but there will always be those who feel the need to shame mums who need help. You’d think as women we’d have evolved more than that.

Stay until you are ready to leave it's your decision and enjoy your time with your lovely grandchildren