New grandchild & feeling guilty

Your daughter might actually enjoy having her dad to herself! Stay and enjoy your new enlarged family!

Congratulations on safe arrival of your GD ASHANTY.

Has your husband saying he misses you made you feel guilty? Has he said you're neglecting him, your D and elderly parents or is this how you feel?

If he's only said he misses you then I think accusing him of making you feel guilty is a bit OTT, as are some of very harsh and rude criticisms of him in some of the responses you've received.

Your husband sounds very controlling, don't give in, he's a grown man, it will only get worse...i speak from experience, stand up for yourself

All we know is that the OP's husband said he misses her and unless she provides information to the contrary, that's all we know so why on earth does that make him controlling?

If he was controlling the OP would have gone home when her husband did.

What’s rude and harsh is a father/husband judging his son and DIL for having two children while clearly trying to convince his wife not to stay a few days to help. We’re talking days, not months or weeks. The OP lives over 200 miles away. Her time with her grandchildren is limited. This shouldn’t be a big deal for anyone in a healthy marriage, but OP’s husband clearly has control issues. Why wouldn’t a husband encourage his wife to spend the very limited time with his own grandchildren if it helps his own son and DIL? Why wouldn’t a loving husband want his wife to take a few days to do something that makes her happy? Her happiness to stay should be enough for him cope for a few days. Healthy marriages aren’t co-dependent. It’s OTT to discourage a few days helping family.

Smileless2012

All we know is that the OP's husband said he misses her and unless she provides information to the contrary, that's all we know so why on earth does that make him controlling?

If he was controlling the OP would have gone home when her husband did.

Manipulation and discouragement from temporary time apart are controlling whether the OP goes along with it or not.

But is it manipulation? Over the years Mr. S. has been away for golf or bowls and when we've spoken on the 'phone I'll have told him I miss him, because I did.

I've spent time away visiting a very dear friend and he'll have told me during our daily 'phone calls that he missed me, because he did.

I had no idea that telling the one you love when they're away from you that you miss them is manipulation, discouragement and/or controlling as all we know so far, is that the OP's husband told her he missed her.

BlessedArt

What’s rude and harsh is a father/husband judging his son and DIL for having two children while clearly trying to convince his wife not to stay a few days to help. We’re talking days, not months or weeks. The OP lives over 200 miles away. Her time with her grandchildren is limited. This shouldn’t be a big deal for anyone in a healthy marriage, but OP’s husband clearly has control issues. Why wouldn’t a husband encourage his wife to spend the very limited time with his own grandchildren if it helps his own son and DIL? Why wouldn’t a loving husband want his wife to take a few days to do something that makes her happy? Her happiness to stay should be enough for him cope for a few days. Healthy marriages aren’t co-dependent. It’s OTT to discourage a few days helping family.

Erm, maybe the husband has reasons we don't know about. I certainly had misgivings about my daughter getting pregnant again 6 years after her firstborn because of how difficult she found parenthood and because her health really suffered with her pregnancy which didn't recover for over 5 years, even then only partially. I would never have withdrawn support but if you are watching someone make what you consider to be the biggest mistake, I don't think it means you shouldn't say this to your spouse. It doesn't mean that you expect them to do anything about it.
We only know from the initial post that the OP feels the way he does, not the husband's rationale. Who knows the OP may be someone who gets things all out of proportion or feels guiltier than most. It really is difficult to know whether she should be worried or not. I do think that if she wants to stay though, she should.

It’s manipulation when he is actively discouraging her from staying. How is that not clear?

You stating you miss your husband on a golf trip isn’t comparable and I think you are intentionally ignoring the details of the OP. The OP, who actually had the interaction with him, stated his reasons: the son and DIL aren’t reasonable to ask her to stay because they chose to have babies close, and he will miss her.

She wants to know if she should feel guilty about wanting to stay against his wishes, which she absolutely should not. Spouses should freely and happily allow each other to spend time with family, even if small personal sacrifices need to be made. That’s normal. That’s healthy.

Icanhandthemback:

People have all sorts of opinions about how and why others procreate. They’re just opinions. Nothing more. They have no practical weight unless wilded inappropriately. Has zero to do with whether or not a wife should take a few days to spend time with grandchildren she won’t see regularly.

Why do you think the husband’s opinion on his son’s procreative choices should trump what his wife wants to do? She wants to stay a few days. She is an adult and he doesn’t own her. She shouldn’t be discouraged from staying.

*wielded

Also, let’s not gaslight other women.

Why, without evidence, should I take into consideration that the OP is someone who might blow things out of proportion?

I am not ignoring the details of the OP BlessedArt, I'm responding to what we've been told, I'm just not embellishing them.

Well you seem to be prepared to accept that the OP's husband is manipulative, discouraging and controlling without evidence BlessedArt.

Stay . It’s a one off and they will appreciate . Husband is being selfish and frankly childish

Smileless2012

Well you seem to be prepared to accept that the OP's husband is manipulative, discouraging and controlling without evidence BlessedArt.

I provided direct reference from the OP’s words to support my opinion. That’s not without “evidence”. That’s opinion based on the OP. Telling someone they should consider if the OP blows things out of proportion with absolutely no roots in the OP’s posted comments is not on. I highly doubt that response would be given to a man.

You, on the other hand, are intentionally framing it as a husband simply stating his misses his wife, while providing a completely unrelated comparison. That is not what she posted. That is ignoring all context and all other details. You never even mentioned the rest of what he said, which makes your position disingenuous. And for what? So that you can defend a man discouraging his wife from doing what she has the right to do? If she feels her husband doesn’t want her to go and is making her feel guilty, having been the one who actually knows her husband I think it’s fine to take her word on her own feelings and draw conclusions from there.

I can't believe your husband's attitude. You should not be made to feel guilty for staying to help. You agreed to help and that is what you can now do. Lucky you. Don't let your other family members spoil what should be a very happy family time. I would help your daughter, and let them just accept how events unfolded. They are adults, and perfectly capable of looking after themselves surely. Your husband can catch the bus for a few days.

I agree with Monica’s and Easybee’s comments on page 1: your husband needs to grow up and stop being selfish. But I also think you need to realise that what you want to do matters too. Stand up for yourself.
Without a doubt you should stay and enjoy. Congratulations.

Did you end up actually staying with your son and dil ? A few months ago you wrote that while they wanted you to come and help they also did not want you staying in their home as potentially you would be "getting under their feet". They wanted you both to stay in a hotel or b and b.

BlessedArt

Has your husband always been this clingy and needy? He’s a grown man. Presumably he can survive on his own a few days while you help family.

Guilt-trips are a form of controlling behaviour. Don’t feel guilty about being such a thoughtful mother, mother in law, and granny. It’s temporary and a very normal thing to help when new babies come. You live far, so it’s more than reasonable to spend as much time there as you and son’s family are comfortable with. Congrats! Enjoy your new grandchild.

Quite!!!

How nice to be asked!

This post makes me wonder if the reason they initially requested the hotel stay was because DIL and son preferred mum alone to stay after the birth and didn’t want to say so. We will obviously never know, but I’d find it odd if DIL wanted FIL hanging about after having just given birth. It wouldn’t surprise me if FIL leaving worked out for them.

BlessedArt

Icanhandthemback:

People have all sorts of opinions about how and why others procreate. They’re just opinions. Nothing more. They have no practical weight unless wilded inappropriately. Has zero to do with whether or not a wife should take a few days to spend time with grandchildren she won’t see regularly.

Why do you think the husband’s opinion on his son’s procreative choices should trump what his wife wants to do? She wants to stay a few days. She is an adult and he doesn’t own her. She shouldn’t be discouraged from staying.

I actually said I do think that if she wants to stay though, she should.

Expressing negative views isn't necessarily manipulative. As a spouse you should be able to talk about how you feel. It's called communication. Implied threats or a record of sulking for ages might mean that person is manipulative. It's how you resolve those differences help determine whether a person is being manipulative too. All I am saying is that context is everything and we don't have knowledge of that.

I confess to only having read the first ⅓ of messages as I should be in bed.

But - if he misses you I'd say to please come back and join you.
I think he shouldn't have gone back really.
I would be missing my husband by now but surely he can get back on a train to join you!
Congratulations.

Oh goodnesss me! This particular time is important to you and your family and it won’t ever come again! Do NOT feel guilty!! That’s a form of control imho. Poor hubby - is he jealous your attention and love is far away? Then he knows what to do 💕in the meantime enjoy these precious times as long as you need to. Your life and your right to be where you are needed most!
We females do guilt too well don’t we 🤦‍♀️🌺

Blessed Art. The husband doesn't come over as controlling, you always think the worst. If he was controlling he would not have left her there. No doubt she's back home now and all is well.