New grandchild & feeling guilty

Expressing negative views isn't necessarily manipulation I agree icanhandthemback.

Of course the OP shouldn't feel guilty but we don't know to what extent any guilt is coming from her, and not just because her husband said he misses her.

That was my thought too Allsorts and I posted earlier that if he were controlling he wouldn't have gone home without her.

Sounds like your husband wants you to put him first. Me & DH live 🇬🇧, my DS & DIL & 2 yr old GS, live in 🇨🇦, couple of times I have gone to visit/help, on my own leaving DH at home, to carry on with work & look after our dog. He has never put pressure on me not to go.
You should do whatever feels right. Good luck and for future visits with/without your DH. To get to know your dear GC, after all 250 miles isn’t that far.

monami

good heavens the marshmallow generaton, i had 2 children under 4 and it was no problem at all, hubby worked 40 hour week , i looked after children and it wasnt heavy weather, my mum had 6, victorans had 9, get a grip , leave them to it, by the way dd you get any help with yours ?

Good for you. Don’t forget to polish your medal today.

Yes, Victorians had 9. Most of them died.

There’s always one 🙄

NannyJ21. Absolutely. I agree.

Icanhandthemback,

The OP is clear that she wanted to stay and her hand was trying to dissuade her.
I don’t think the OP is confused about her own husband’s desires. He then followed his negative view up with citing him missing her as a reason she shouldn’t stay. That’s manipulative. This isn’t exactly nuclear physics. Seems everyone else on the thread grasps that the husband doesn’t want her to stay.

Allsorts

Blessed Art. The husband doesn't come over as controlling, you always think the worst. If he was controlling he would not have left her there. No doubt she's back home now and all is well.

No one should be guilt-tripped about staying away a few days to help family. Guilt trips are emotional manipulation and emotional manipulation is a form of controlling behaviour.

It is really illuminating how those who refute this view such conduct. You think a person can’t be controlling unless they are successful in their efforts to push their wants on others. That’s such an unhealthy outlook and a disaster for interpersonal relationships. It’s really easy to respect the wishes of your adult loved ones. It’s not that complicated if you care about feelings besides your own.

BlessedArt

Icanhandthemback,

The OP is clear that she wanted to stay and her hand was trying to dissuade her.
I don’t think the OP is confused about her own husband’s desires. He then followed his negative view up with citing him missing her as a reason she shouldn’t stay. That’s manipulative. This isn’t exactly nuclear physics. Seems everyone else on the thread grasps that the husband doesn’t want her to stay.

Oh sorry, BlessedArt, I didn’t realise that you had been a fly on the wall and heard the conversation. She has been clear to us, hasn’t indicated that she is not going to stay or his behaviour after she has told him she was going to stay. Perhaps you can confirm that as you obviously ’know’.
Having not heard the conversation myself, I cannot say either way but prefer not to immediately assume the worst when only one side of the narrative has been heard.

I’m not sure what your tangent is about because I was very obviously referring to the post, which despite you, and unsurprisingly Smileless and Allsorts seems to have garnered consensus. Who said anything about the outcome of situation?

I understand the temptation of using a straw-man argument when someone else is making too much sense, but honestly that’s just derailing the thread. To be clear, the contents of her post describe unkind, selfish behavior by her spouse. But hey, let’s just pretend everyone but the 3 of you are reading it all wrong. She may be “blowing it out of proportion” and/or the rest of the thread have reading comprehension issues.

It's shocking to see such a benign thread generate such a lengthy conversation.

Clearly Smileless sees a part of herself in the guilt-tripping husband, and will relentlessly argue in bad-faith to preserve her self image of having no fault in her estrangement.

For if she admits that the husband's behavior is wrong, on any level, than she will also have to admit that she is fault at all too, which is completely antithetical to her decades long narrative of never being wrong with her son.

BlessedArt, if you have only heard one "reported" side of the story, you cannot make a judgement about whether somebody is manipulative. What you can do is say that she shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to stay because I don't know many women who wouldn't want to help their children in these circumstances. I have explained why I think as I do and I am happy not to make a judgement on a conversation where I don't know whether the husband was just expressing his feelings but was willing to accept that his wife felt differently and was happy to act as she saw fit. You carry on being prepared to make judgements without hearing the whole story, I'll continue to be prepared to less accusative. I have said my bit, I hope the OP has enjoyed her time with her new grandchild and was able to set any guilt aside because I really don't think she should have any which is surely the main point.

I’m taking Ashanti at her word when she say “my husband is making me feel guilty for accepting to stay”, and responding accordingly.

Surely we don’t need to hear other perspectives on the situation, we have the OP’s, and she is asking for opinions based on how she is feeling.

icanhandthemback

*BlessedArt*, if you have only heard one "reported" side of the story, you cannot make a judgement about whether somebody is manipulative. What you can do is say that she shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to stay because I don't know many women who wouldn't want to help their children in these circumstances. I have explained why I think as I do and I am happy not to make a judgement on a conversation where I don't know whether the husband was just expressing his feelings but was willing to accept that his wife felt differently and was happy to act as she saw fit. You carry on being prepared to make judgements without hearing the whole story, I'll continue to be prepared to less accusative. I have said my bit, I hope the OP has enjoyed her time with her new grandchild and was able to set any guilt aside because I really don't think she should have any which is surely the main point.

As some love to point out, we will ever only hear one side of the story. I’ve made no assertions that I know any side but hers. I trust the OP knows herself and her husband better than we do.

I have every right to take her at her word and assess what she relayed about her husband as selfish and manipulative. You’ve speculated on whether or not she blows things out proportion based on nothing but your imagination. That’s dismissive.

You seem to be okay with the husband judging the son and DIL for their procreative choices. I am judging him for such an attitude toward his family. No high ground there. People make judgements for various reasons. That’s life. It’s dishonest to pretend otherwise or that you don’t.

We can agree to disagree on how we view the behaviour of people who press their wants over their loved ones. I accept we all have different standards of how we behave in relationships.

Delila

I’m taking Ashanti at her word when she say “my husband is making me feel guilty for accepting to stay”, and responding accordingly.

Surely we don’t need to hear other perspectives on the situation, we have the OP’s, and she is asking for opinions based on how she is feeling.

Exactly

Many congratulations and please stay and look after the babies and mum. As a paternal grandmother too I also had that privilege to be asked and able and loved it. 💐

But presumably missing a spouse is normal...?
I would be missing my husband by now, (and would be disappointed if he wasn't missing me too) but my response would be to ask him to come back.
Problem solved.

It comes down to who needs you more at this time. Unless your husband is dependent on you healthcare wise obviously you’re more needed with your new grandchild.

I know it's Friday and I'm late to the thread. I really hope you stayed and had a lovely few days with your family and new granddaughter!

That's a good one and did make me laugh NotEnoughThyme.

I don't have a self image to preserve. I have no fault in our estrangement and neither does Mr. S. and I know how much that irritates some and has done for nearly 14 years, but it makes no difference to me if I'm believed or not here on GN and never has TBH.

Well I thought the same thing NotSpaghetti about being missed by your H and missing them too and posted so, but was accused of ignoring what the OP says .

I do think it's a shame that she hasn't been back with more information for example did her husband simply say he misses her or was there more to it. Did he say she should feel guilty for not being there for her elderly parents and their D who still lives at home? Did he use the word neglect or has that come from her?

If her daughter at home is young (and she could be), presumably she stayed with her grandparents when her parents were away. If she is an adult then she and her father would be capable of looking after themselves.

Perhaps the husband just finished phone calls with 'Missing you" which is perfectly normal.
(Or is he missing the car?)

We simply don't know and Ashanty could be going home tomorrow. Will she come back and give us an update?

Will she come back and give us an update? I hope so JenniRen but as we're on page 5 and she's not been back at all IMO it looks unlikely.

He didn’t simply say he misses her in isolation, for the umpteenth time.

He said he misses her and the son and DIL made the decision to have children close so they can’t expect her to stay until they can manage. Not hard to grasp. It’s in the OP.

Context matters to those who are honest and aren’t attempting to invalidate the OP’s feelings. By honing in on the “misses her” comment and refusing to acknowledge the other part of his comments, that’s exactly what a small minority here are doing. But I realize that not everyone comments in good faith.

I hope the OP stayed and enjoyed her precious, limited time with her grandchildren without any guilt whatsoever.

I hope she did too BlessedArt.

No one's attempting to invalidate the OP's feelings and it is not for you to judge whether or not those whose comments are not in line with yours are commenting in good faith.

My comments are not in line with yours and they seldom are but they've been made in good faith on this thread, and are made in good faith every time I make them.

I am not convinced that any feelings of guilt the OP may have are solely because of what her husband has said, which is why I've asked her and until she replies which of course she doesn't have too, I will remain unconvinced.

OP doesn’t have to convince you of anything, Smileless. She knows herself and her husband. Her feelings aren’t for you to judge. I’m not convinced you commented in good faith and weren’t attempting to undermine her feelings by questioning the truth of the origins of said feelings. I have a good guess as to why, and your position on this was quite predictable, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that the OP has followed her heart and helped her family.

You're right of course, the OP doesn't have to convince me of anything and I didn't say she did. I wont be losing any sleep over whether or not I've convinced you of anything here on anywhere else on GN BlessedArt. It makes no difference to me either way.