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Between the devil and the deep blue sea

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nelliedeane Fri 01-Jun-12 09:49:19

I need an ear and to talk this situation through,and I know my friends won't let me down...right here goes.
The situation,Husband and I separated,both have partners of 8/9 years,relationship with all parties friendly and supportive,XDH have one surviving son,and DGD of my daughter who died is with me after extensive court battle with her father( different issue) DGD was brought up to the age of 4 in an environment of domestic violence and has issues surrounding her mums death which was attributed to DV,she is prone to anger outbursts where she will trash things in her room in a fit of rage she has had therapy on and off since 2005 and we are awaiting a referral to leeway which is an organisation helping children from these backgrounds needless to say waiting list is long.
The Problem
XDH and nanny sue live 150 miles away work full time and help where they can albeit in a limited way,they have given on many occasions expensive gifts,such as cameras,photographic equipment,jewellery,mainly I feel to cover that can't do much else,DGD was given a reconditioned laptop that nanny sue had looked after and at considerable cost to both of them refurbished for her 13th birthday in February a problem with the system ensued and in temper she pulled of most of the keys,and broke a metal bed frame also donated by them,she has already trashed a laptop we bought her for her homework by smashing the screen for the same reason,on that occasion I managed to claim on my house insurance,nanny and GD where aware of this,and also of her behaviour although they haven't seen full extent in action.NS and GD are coming to stay this weekend and I have just had to tell GD,and NS is quite outspoken,GD was v upset I could hear the hurt in his voice sue will be justly angry,OH is going to say what he thinks and I fear all my peacekeeping which has been difficult at times will be in vain,but I can all of the arguments and sides,and don't want all that to have been in vain........your views and advice will be very welcome as I am feeling quite bruised about this,and worn out with peacekeeping...I. Have said to GD please in a nice way not to buy expensive gifts and if possible perhaps contribute to school trips and things,they are also very generous with gifts and loving people and I so hate to see people hurt and upset......sad nellie.

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Faye Mon 04-Jun-12 10:58:35

I wanted to add nellie you too have been through a terrible trauma. The thing a parent dreads the most. (((hugs))) I also hope you get to take some time for yourself and your husband. flowers

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Bags Mon 04-Jun-12 11:12:46

nellie, you're doing great! What alison says is wise, and what j04 says is also wise. Maybe, if you need to change anything about your relationship with the present buyers, you can find a happy medium in those two posts. Whatever you do, your granddaughter is lucky to have you. flowers

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nelliedeane Mon 04-Jun-12 13:05:55

Phew !! Thank you all for the support,and kind words and brilliant advice,you can see as I can the innocent party is indeed EIsha and her security,stability,and needs are paramount.
we have just sue and Ian off,it was a successful weekend,although find it hard to understand why she does this,I alone sat through the criminal court,coroners court,and high court and relayed information to them,so maybe I have the greater understanding.
nannajae asked if Eisha is a looked after child ,she is,IAlone have PR and I am also her special guardian,which I chose as I feel adoption would take away her identity,she needs to retain a sense of her background so that she doesn't feel that,she as a person and her background is bad,just the actions of her father where bad.
The word NO seems to be the trigger to all anger,she is overweight and we do have to curtail her snacks I feel she sees that as withholding love and equates love and food together,and she is understandably a very jealous child,her friendships have and do suffer because of this and it all gets a bit heavy at times,she takes an irrational dislike to people she sees as monopolising me,which when I am the centre of world is not surprising but difficult and we do feel as though we tread on eggshells,but we try and take this one day at a time,and I have found the SOLIHULL APPROACH method of dealing with her useful,this is based on containment,reciprocity,and behaviour management,and I dip in and out of several strategies I have learnt from other workshops and therapies we have had...at the end of the she day she didn't choose her lot in life and as the child is coping with making sense of the world and her world,where as I as an adult,may not have all the answers but I have got wisdom and understanding which you get through life's journey.....so thank you. All so much for everything again you all made yesterday easier as I wasn't stressing ,took control,moved on and mangaged the situation because I. Had got everything off my chest....thank God for GNxxx

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soop Mon 04-Jun-12 13:36:54

nellie...you are wonderful smile

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whenim64 Mon 04-Jun-12 13:41:21

Well done Nellie. It went well after your preparation and determination.

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