Between the devil and the deep blue sea

Well done Nellie. It went well after your preparation and determination.

nellie...you are wonderful

Phew !! Thank you all for the support,and kind words and brilliant advice,you can see as I can the innocent party is indeed EIsha and her security,stability,and needs are paramount.
we have just sue and Ian off,it was a successful weekend,although find it hard to understand why she does this,I alone sat through the criminal court,coroners court,and high court and relayed information to them,so maybe I have the greater understanding.
nannajae asked if Eisha is a looked after child ,she is,IAlone have PR and I am also her special guardian,which I chose as I feel adoption would take away her identity,she needs to retain a sense of her background so that she doesn't feel that,she as a person and her background is bad,just the actions of her father where bad.
The word NO seems to be the trigger to all anger,she is overweight and we do have to curtail her snacks I feel she sees that as withholding love and equates love and food together,and she is understandably a very jealous child,her friendships have and do suffer because of this and it all gets a bit heavy at times,she takes an irrational dislike to people she sees as monopolising me,which when I am the centre of world is not surprising but difficult and we do feel as though we tread on eggshells,but we try and take this one day at a time,and I have found the SOLIHULL APPROACH method of dealing with her useful,this is based on containment,reciprocity,and behaviour management,and I dip in and out of several strategies I have learnt from other workshops and therapies we have had...at the end of the she day she didn't choose her lot in life and as the child is coping with making sense of the world and her world,where as I as an adult,may not have all the answers but I have got wisdom and understanding which you get through life's journey.....so thank you. All so much for everything again you all made yesterday easier as I wasn't stressing ,took control,moved on and mangaged the situation because I. Had got everything off my chest....thank God for GNxxx

nellie, you're doing great! What alison says is wise, and what j04 says is also wise. Maybe, if you need to change anything about your relationship with the present buyers, you can find a happy medium in those two posts. Whatever you do, your granddaughter is lucky to have you.

I wanted to add nellie you too have been through a terrible trauma. The thing a parent dreads the most. (((hugs))) I also hope you get to take some time for yourself and your husband.

I copied it gracesmum I tried to find the alt keys for it and they don't work on my laptop. They are [ ★ ] solid star = Alt + 9733 [ ☆ ] star outline = Alt + 9734.

It is hard when you are being the strong one for everyone nellie but I doubt if you will change if it is in your nature. Once everyone has got used to you dealing with it all it is very unlikely that they will change unless it is you who has the crisis.

All you can do is your best and it seems that is what you are doing. I doubt if many teenagers appreciate what their main carer does for them until they are a lot older and I am sure you are doing it out of love without expecting gratitude.

Do try to find a little time for yourself in all this. You are important too but it is so easy to forget that.

Take care Nellie

You are a fine woman, nellliedeane. You are the sun, moon and stars to that young girl, who will be dealing with adolescence as well as all the emotional damage received in her younger life. There aren't enough words to describe what you and she have been through together. Sometimes you'll no doubt be feeling you're 'running on empty', but when that happens you know you'll always get a warm arm round your shoulders from your friends on here. Take good care of yourself.

Not now though. Funnily enough.

My son put his fist through the shed window when he was a teenager.

I was bad too. I've always been a thrower.

Nelliedean, congratulations to you and your OH for being so amazing!!!!! You care so much, you are doing a great job, your granddaughter is so fortunate to have you in her life. Sorry it's so tough for you sometimes. Hope you are looking after yourself.

Phew, nelliedean - I am glad you have found GN to give you some support after all you have been through and continue to deal with.
You have probably covered this in therapy but someone once pointed out that people often have a favourite form of emotional expression which they resort to. Many women cry when they are angry for instance. Great physical release. My sons at that age both "did" anger when they felt sad. Still remember the day the dog died which they spent lashing out.
The positives are that she has you, she is not doing it outside the home (is that right? is she disruptive or have outbursts in school?) and that she is not lashing out at other people. But it would be really nice for you and her if she could move on a bit soon.
Have you tried finding a way of getting her to agree to attack something that will not break? A punchbag? Smashing up or stamping on a pile of sturdy cardboard boxes? This would give her the physical release. And she would not be punished.

How did you do that faye??? So true about the unconditional love - you can't put a price on that.

Great advice from jingle. Material things are never the answer anyway.

The most important thing you are doing for your granddaughter nellie is giving her your unconditional love. You truly are a star. ★

Jingle is right - you have enough to think about without being concerned about them wasting money on items they know will most likely get ruined. They now need to think more carefully about what they should do in future.

* nellie* (((hug)))

Jing!
Excellent advice!
Well said!

First of all I think you should stop worrying about the fact that expensive presents from them are getting smashed up. Worry about the child smashing things up, yes. That's understandable. But you have explained the situation to them and if they cannot take the trouble to understand, then they must bear the costs financially. Or stop giving the presents.

Definitely stop worrying about them and their feelings. You have enough to worry about with the child.

You have got an awful lot to deal with. You are doing an amazing job.

You have got to toughen up towards ex and his partner, Nellie. Stop trying to please everyone. Your number one concern has to be the child, and looking after yourself.

tech have problems with getting us a 'crescent moon'!
Don't start asking for the stars as well
Are we going to keep the flag during the Olympics?
I STILL WANT MY CRESCENT MOON!

from me, nellie. You're a star!

I didn't want to hog them all!

Wot! No grin? I think she deserves the lot!

I think you're amazing nellie and you deserve a and a and ...

nellie you have my full admiration! What a generous and loving woman you are for Eisha. You give her the space to vent her feelings and you create surroundings for her to deal with some difficult memories, and when she understandably goes off on one, your concern is for her to be treated with sensitivity and support. I'm so glad things have gone well, due in no small part to your efforts. You deserve a medal!

nellie it is tough managing and loving a child who has been hurt and damaged as Eisha has been. You are her rock and doing a very difficult job well. Is Eisha officially a looked after child? If so do you have access to any additional support through children's services? Take care of yourself..