Standing up to a narcissistic big sister

I agree you need to stop having any contact with her.

If having cut contact, you feel guilty (which you have no need to do) seek professional advice to deal with your feelings afte the break with your sister.

I hope you soon feel ready for a new cat or kitten.

If you do not have a circle of supportative friends, try considering where at least you might make new acquaintances, who could potentially become new friends.

This can be difficult to do, but volunteering might be an option for you, as might a book club or if you enjoy the company of children and teenagers a homework club.

Dazy, I can offer nothing, save if you do feel able to let this person go and do her own thing, would it help you to keep in touch here? so many understanding and caring people here who do not criticize and just want to help? sending prayers there is no smiley for this simple act.

It’s difficult , I had to cut ties with a sibling for my own and my families well being. The feelings of guilt were strong but I knew it was the best thing to do

Hi
Sounds an awful situation, but you deserve happiness after what you have been through.Don't let her drag you down and make you ill.
Have as little contact as you can with her as others have said. If you do have to speak to her just say 'I've been advised to have some quiet time due to my mental health, so I'm not going to be contacting ANYONE for a while. This way, you haven't been nasty and you seemingly haven't singled her out.You don't have to accept calls from her, she'd have to leave a message if it was an emergency.She is feeding off your discontent. Starve her of it.

Dazy It is so sad you have gone through all these years of suffering.

The very best thing you can do for yourself is get on-line and read about surviving a Narcissist, getting free and healing from their behaviour.

Also lots of good advice on how to deal with your own feelings of guilt, loyalty and lost.

There are some good tools and information out there and finding what works best for you is the first step in changing your situation.

Research and getting well informed is one of the strongest and kindest things you can do for yourself.

I wish you the very best of luck as it won't be an easy change for you to make but so worthwhile and healthier in the long term.

Your life is a garden, you only want peace and beauty in it, so start weeding !

Dazy, I agree with Sago, GrandmaFrench, and other GNs here. I'd advise going "no contact" and getting on with your own life. You have my sincere sympathy, and I can understand that cutting off your sister may be a difficult thing to to. However, simply carrying on seeing her sounds to be causing you great stress - which you can do without. Once you make "the cut", I think that you could benefit quite quickly, because you may then feel so much better in moving on with your future. As AuntieE suggests, when you feel ready, perhaps a new cat will help you, too. Please keep in touch with us here at GN. Good luck.

I can so sympathise with you as I too have a very narcissistic younger sister. She too has bullied and blamed me most of my life and has the amazing ability to be seen as the victim. Many friends, even hers, have asked me why I let her treat me this way. I put up with it for many, many years and the criticism became cruel - bad mouthing my (innocent) children to me as she knew this would hurt me. I had to set up boundaries for my own mental health. She now has turned my other siblings away from me by bad mouthing me to them and once again her becoming the victim. You will not win!!! Set up boundaries. Although the estrangement she has caused hurt I also feel a sense of great relief.

That’s a bit harsh and very reductionist if I may say so.

Hiya! Sisters! I have 3! I was very close to the 2nd eldest, she was only 11 months older than me. We had a terrible childhood. And she was the fiesty one. Always confrontational, and she became very jealous of my bigger sister successful life. I'm more an outspoken people pleaser! Onnce I married and had kids, it became noticeable fiestyness was more rowing and shouting, and really Family gathering became unpleasant. Her comments lashed out and could be quite hurtful. It came to ahead after she moved away , and would bark her orders on how we treated our widowed mother. She rarely visited! I mean barked! I phoned her for our weekly catch up, to be met with non-stop abuse. Even though I had remotely spent considerable time helping her husband solve a computer glitch. My husband heard the is tiraid and told to put the phone down. He said you are never to phone again, if she wants to phone to shout at you she can at least pay for the call. I have never phone her! And she has never phoned me! That's was 35 years ago! That intervention by my husband, Stopped the years of verble abuse and allowed me, to enjoy my own family without being on tender-hooks. Yes, there were issues with Christmas, but I cut all ties. Yes, she is still my sister, yes I wish her no ill, but no, I don't want her and her negative impact in my life. Just because they are a relative, don't mean you have to put up with nasty behaviour. As, other has said - put yourself first, and at least minimize contact. As others or friends for support. Stop letting her dim your sparkle. God bless.

Love that comment.

I’m afraid I haven’t had time to read some of the replies, so I apologise if this is repetitive.
You sound a sensitive kind person who has been battered by many things over the years, sister being one. If you cut yourself off I’m sure you will feel bad, so ultimately that won’t help. I always feel we need to do the best we can in a situation then if things don’t improve, we can console ourselves with having tried. I would write a firm but kind letter. I would say you have come to the end of your ability to accept cruelty of any kind from anyone. We all have problems, and we need to support not destroy each other. I would say you’re aware of the dreadful things that have happened to her and those ongoing, but can only keep up the relationship if she behaves well going forward. Suggest a meeting and if you find her behaviour deteriorates again, that’s it, you have tried but you cannot and will not accept unnecessary pain in your life. You will no longer keep in touch, which would be very sad for both of you.
Give her a chance to reply and a get together in a place you can leave if necessary. After that if things are no better, turn away in every sense and hopefully find comfort elsewhere. Good luck.

I would recommend no contact in order to restore your peace of mind. Your health is more important than placating this aggressive woman.

My sister and I both experienced various traumas throughout our childhood and have both had terrible things happen in our adult life. I would no more treat her with disrespect or verbal abuse as a human being any more than I would anybody else. She unfortunately does not feel the same way towards me or other people in her life. I find her torrents of accusations, lack of accountability for her actions and her temper terrifying. They trigger something that leaves me feeling anxious for weeks. Things have come to a head and I have taken a step back. I haven't written to say that I don't want any contact as that embroiled the whole family last time I tried. I have just decided I will not take what she dishes out. If we end up at a family gathering, I will treat her with civility and if she makes barbed comments, I will remove myself from her presence quietly. I would recommend you do the same thing.

I tried. I have just decided I will not take what she dishes out. If we end up at a family gathering, I will treat her with civility and if she makes barbed comments, I will remove myself from her presence quietly.
Such a wise and dignified way to act.

Sago

I’m afraid the only way to deal with a narcissist is to go no contact.

My mother was a classic narcissist and my father a complicated one so I feel fairly well qualified to advise.

You will never win.

This is the way.

I had to cut the relatonship I had with a brother and re-establish it in a way that did not leave me drained and depressed every time there was contact. Yes I feel some guilt but overall much better. Probably not what you could do here but it's a question of getting control. Good suggestions about that here.

I’m over 8 years free of my narcissistic sister, she is younger by about 4 years. After years of her spite, trying to control me, mental abuse etc I got up from the cafe table and walked out on her with her shouting at me! Best feeling ever and I haven’t spoken to her since!

If she says 'I don't do criticism' Just say to her 'neither do I anymore, so stop picking on me or I shall leave your life altogether'.

I don't know if this will help, but here is my own experience, which may (or may not) feel relevant. A long time ago there was a relation i used to see more because i thought it mattered a lot to them. But i always ended up in tears due to verbal attacks. Eventually i just said 'If it goes on like this i am not seeing you any more'. And it stopped.

What if you are obliged to continue having some sort of contact with the narcissist because she is your ex-wife and you want to see your children ….?

Thank you for the continued support everyone. Coconut I loved that quote and I'm going to keep it on my mirror.
hamster58 you've put into words what I was feeling.
Everyone these comments and kindness - so deeply appreciated

Dazy - Your sister will shorten your life because she terrifies you. Terrorism is a crime because it has that effect of causing people to be hyper-vigilant and in many cases, die of stress. You only have two choices here - accept that if you do not break contact with your sister you are disrespecting yourself and enabling her offensive behaviour, you are giving her permission to continue - or understand that if you do break contact you will gradually feel better and live longer. Why on earth have you had two psychotherapists in your life who have explained this to you and you've ignored them. You say it's hard to implement but it isn't - just invoke your self-respect.

You are worried about your sister becoming unwell if you stand up to her but what about you, you say she is making you anxious and she has been horrible to you for years so I think it’s time to think of yourself, just because you were born to the same parents doesn’t mean you have to like each other.
I had a narcissistic toxic mother who didn’t have a maternal bone in her body, she would also cause arguments with family and neighbours, after one particular incident when my children were very small I decided I didn’t want her toxicity around them so I moved out of the area and didn’t give her my address
I didn’t speak to her for the next forty years until her death.
I felt a weight had been lifted off me,I missed having a mother through various periods of my life but not her as she caused me so much emotional pain.
I was never sorry I cut her out of my life as my emotional well being was more important to me for me to raise my children in a happy environment which she would have spoiled.

Two days ago a friend emailed me the following saying she had found on the internet. It has helped her regain her sense of self worth after having to manage equally difficult close family relationships. Maybe it will help you, too?

' I had rather adjust my life to accommodate your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect. '

Take care of yourself.