Standing up to a narcissistic big sister

I’m afraid the only way to deal with a narcissist is to go no contact.

My mother was a classic narcissist and my father a complicated one so I feel fairly well qualified to advise.

You will never win.

You will never win.

Agree.
No point even trying to.

It doesnt sound to me like you need to have guilt about what you have done.
But I cant judge you or her.

I see, thank you both

Agree with the above. I would start by reducing contact by not messaging her. If she messages answer in a polite way without inviting a reply.

I agree too and suggest absolutely minimal contact, ie dont initiate, reply politely but not getting dragged in, live your own life.

However, guilt is a heavy burden, I don't cope brilliantly in that tho its not about family.

Perhaps others here have better advice from me as regards
guilt in these circumstances.

Why would you continue to allow anyone to treat you so badly? Three times in your post you say she terrifies you. That’s awful but you see her ‘regularly’ even though she clearly has no decent feelings or she would never treat you in the way that she does. Racked with jealousy over her Sister’s life, a cruel bully, a narcissist? Who knows? But after all this time why on earth would you care? She’s lost the right to have any sort of contact with you, cares nothing for your own sadness, just wants you to be under her control where she can mistreat you, lie and abuse you as and when. Best thing is for you to cut contact. This is not a trivial family fallout - this woman has form, and will continue to spoil your life if you allow it. Very little chance of her changing her behaviour after so many years, so you need to toughen up and think of yourself now and how your life should contain only those who can respect, love and care for you. And she’s not one of them.
Ignore and maintain a silence. Let her distress someone else. She may need help, but not from you. Don’t spoil even one more day feeling guilty, because you have nothing to feel guilty for.
So sad you’ve lost your little cat. Take care, stay strong and I wish you happy times.

"and how your life should contain only those who can respect, love and care for you. And she’s not one of them."

This really helped - thanks for writing that Grandmafrench

Thank you all. It's so tragic, I'm really only in contact with her because her adult child was killed...I feel huge sorrow for her everyday.

You can never do or say the right thing with a narcissist. They create situations which are impossible to deal with and, to add insult to injury, they will turn it around to show that you are the baddie. You say she wants to keep you in her life - well, of course she does - you're the perfect patsy and, as long as you keep coming back for more, she'll be happy to give it to you. I'm afraid you can either cut ties or quietly put up with it until one of you dies - they're the only real options you have at this stage of her game. I speak from experience, but also from 80 years of watching human behaviour.

She literally sees the world through a different lense to you. You will never change her ways but there again when you say she has had problems and is unwell, you yourself don't want to be cruel. You need to find a mid way to navigate this system. Do you need her in your life? What is the scenario i fyou actually write her a letter? Is she keeping you awake at night thinking about her? Do you suffer panic attacks when you need to be in contact? A lot will depend on the extent of how far your relationship with her feeds into your daily life and family? You could just go 'grey rock' which you can check out on line.

I find it hard to take the OP seriously.Who sees someone regularly if they are terrified of them?

Oreo

I find it hard to take the OP seriously.Who sees someone regularly if they are terrified of them?

Someone who's been conditioned all their lives to continue to show respect and maintain bonds because it's family. My culture is such that family are considered sacred even when they're actually harmful. It's a 'put up and shut up' way of living.

You could have worded your doubts in a more considerate way Oreo, I'm already demoralised by this whole scenario and turning to gransnet for support, not ridicule.

SpinDriftCoastal yes, I'm losing sleep over this. Do I need her? No..but she's my last surviving family member. And the guilt of what happened to her plays heavy on my mind.

Dazy

Oreo

I find it hard to take the OP seriously.Who sees someone regularly if they are terrified of them?

Someone who's been conditioned all their lives to continue to show respect and maintain bonds because it's family. My culture is such that family are considered sacred even when they're actually harmful. It's a 'put up and shut up' way of living.

You could have worded your doubts in a more considerate way Oreo, I'm already demoralised by this whole scenario and turning to gransnet for support, not ridicule.

I think you have revealed a lot in saying ' put up and shut up' and family is sacred. But, your self esteem and well being is also of maximum importance that is why I say; You need to find a way to navigate it. Could you go for counselling to see how to put up a shield when you see your sister with bland replies she can't challenge. You see, at the moment, she is triggering a reaction in you. If you could get that to change to a bland response knowing where she is coming from perhaps you could maintain your 'family is sacred', 'put up and shut up' way of living. If she is causing you serious mental and emotional damage, you may need to rethink your way of dealing with her.

What culture are you meaning Dazy? But regardless of that you can change your life you are not bound by your culture.
If someone is terrifying you and always has done then make the break.It’s a case of better late than never.

The only way you can win a game with a narcissist, is to stop playing Dazy.

You could as SpinDriftCoastal suggested 'grey rock' which is not responding to her nastiness and not showing any emotional response but TBH such extreme behaviour IMO requires an extreme response; no contact.

Send a letter but a very short one simply telling her that you will no longer be contactable as you no longer want a relationship with her, and then block all avenues of contact.

Don't wast your time with lengthy explanations which is where the 'grey rock' method comes in and then give yourself time to get used to the life you'll have without the stress and fear you've lived with for so long. You may find that that will relieve you of any guilt you have for estranging her.

Good luck.

Thank you again everyone, I know I need to pull away. Had therapy over the years, both therapists believe I should keep away from her.
I don't know why it's so hard to implement. I suspect trauma bonding and pity for her have a lot to do with it...

Guilt is such an empty emotion, isn't it, but realistically you are not responsible for the death of her child. You've done your best to support her and have only ended up compromising you own wellbeing.
Step away gradually.....

I understand you “going back for more”.

Narcissists are clever, manipulative and sometimes very charming, essentially you have been groomed.

I suffered a brain hemorrhage after being bullied by a particularly vicious new boss (female). I was at my grievance meeting explaining how she made me feel when I suffered a thunderbolt pain to the back of my head. A CT scan confirmed a bleed on the brain which could have been fatal.

I think you need to remember your sister could literally be the death of you and stay away from her.

I left the job and now try very hard not to let stress or nasty people upset me. Good luck.

Narcissist or not , assuming no diagnosis, you say your sister has had to experience horrific personal tragedies. The worst being the loss of her adult child. Every parents biggest fear. This together with her poor health, she has a lot to deal with.

However if she actually terrifies you, you need to distance yourself. I have a sibling but because of things I don’t need to go into here, I do not see or speak to him. We have no other family, but I am happier without him upsetting me. Suspect you might feel the same.

Foxglove77 that is absolutely horrific. So it can be stress induced. I'm very sorry you experienced bullying which led to a brain haemorrhage.
You're right, she could literally be the death of me.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you good health

This is a battle you have no hope of winning. Years of her controlling you are deeply embedded. You must step well away and never go back. She will NEVER change. Self preservation is the order of the day. Make yourself the priority here. Good luck and never ever feel guilty. Enjoy the freedom that separation will undoubtedly give you- be brave and enjoy the company of those who really care. 💐💐

I had to cut ties with a sibling it simply came down to self preservation. I came to realise by putting up with the manipulation and bullying, I was enabling this behaviour which was toxic to my physical and mental health.
Be strong and draw a line, you deserve better.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in a very similar situation with my sister as you are, and yes my sister terrified me too. In the end to protect myself and my family, I would only have contact with her when I had to in family gatherings. When she was ranting at me in these gatherings I would say I'm not here to be abused by you and I'd walk away. When she text I'd reply with one word answers. Walk away whenever you can and try not to engage with her unless you have no other choice. Walk away.