Standing up to a narcissistic big sister

Have you told her how you feel?

I’m uneasy with the ‘cut all ties’ advice, as I know the pain that estrangement can cause - we see it on here every day. Even worse when people have no idea why it happened.

Maybe it will be the only option if she refuses to change her behaviour, but is it worth having a conversation about it to find out her point of view, and see if she’s willing to make an effort?

Thank you Wrlbeck
I e done both of these things and tried other agencies but neither could help with ! What you can do about it ‘ but ok listening and verifying the behaviour
That’s the frustration

Horti
Contact Women's Aid.
Confide in GP.

No further contact seems a reasonable approach.

Take it from someone who has suffered the same fate, but at the hands of a younger sister I tried so hard to please.
Once both my parents had died I cut all contact and no regrets at all.
I realise now how evil she was.
Look up some Buddhist reasonings, they explain such a lot and save your sanity and you can then experience a peaceful mind at last

Yes I’ve heard about escalation problems into violence when victims try to move on or even after that time as revenge

I know some people are labelled incorrectly with this but it’s a truly scary thing when you are close to it
And unpredictable

And can lead to all sorts of health problems for the victim both physical and mental

When I contacted an agency they were able to identify the behaviour but unable to give any ‘ how do you deal with it ‘ info

Very disappointing seems you are on your own

I agree that education on this subject is just as important to males as females icanhandthemback.

Horti, be aware that narcissists do not like the loss of control and their behaviour can escalate. There is a big difference between dealing with a narcissist at a distance and living with one when trying to take back your life.

I think girls particularly ( not being sexist ) should be educated to be aware of this pattern of grooming

Actually, I think male and female should be educated about this.

Horti -
I'm very sorry that you've suffered abuse .
Whether it's from a non -blood relative or blood relative in the family it's horrendous and totally unacceptable.

Horti I was more or less thinking the same, but didn`t know how to say it, of course we know that some men/boys also experience this, but it does seem a lot of women/girls..

"I think girls particularly ( not being sexist ) should be educated to be aware of this pattern of grooming"

I’m so sorry you've had to suffer this esmay
I have too

This is a husband not blood relative but yes pattern is the same and can degenerate into violence too

Dazy-I sympathesise with you .

It's very painful to have a blood relative behave in a vindictive way against you .

It has happened to me .

And the only thing that you can do is distance yourself or simply walk away .

In my case there is a complete lack of respect.
There was insistence on meeting up and then being shouted and sworn at .
I have felt like a punch bag .
And I have been hit as well .

I'm wishing the strength to walk away from what is a hopeless relationship.

I recognise a lot of this terrible narcissistic behaviour
My husband is a narcissist
I had no idea until fairly recently about this pattern of behaviour that plays out in a predictable way
Now I recognise the pattern I can deal with it to a certain level
Walking away , not reacting , low key responses and oh I recognise this ‘ I don’t take criticism ‘ line ‘
He’s been bad mouthing me to relatives who now think he’s the victim !
It’s classic god I wish I’d had knowledge of this behaviour and how to deal with it years ago
I think girls particularly ( not being sexist ) should be educated to be aware of this pattern of grooming
I’ve been driven to low depths especially during poor health when the daily verbal battering ‘ you are worthless everyone thinks you mad ‘ etc was stepped up and support was non existent
I realise now stepping out of this even emotionally is the only way
I’m now rebuilding my contacts snd interests amongst ‘ normal ‘ people and feel so much better
Beyond that I don’t know yet it all takes time

Read up on the 'grey rock' method Love.

Keep your emotions hidden. Keep verbal responses brief giving as little information as possible. Don't react to anything intended to produce an emotional response ie anger and hurt.
Keep any conversations to arranging contact with the children and nothing more.

Two days ago a friend emailed me the following saying she had found on the internet. It has helped her regain her sense of self worth after having to manage equally difficult close family relationships. Maybe it will help you, too?

' I had rather adjust my life to accommodate your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect. '

Take care of yourself.

You are worried about your sister becoming unwell if you stand up to her but what about you, you say she is making you anxious and she has been horrible to you for years so I think it’s time to think of yourself, just because you were born to the same parents doesn’t mean you have to like each other.
I had a narcissistic toxic mother who didn’t have a maternal bone in her body, she would also cause arguments with family and neighbours, after one particular incident when my children were very small I decided I didn’t want her toxicity around them so I moved out of the area and didn’t give her my address
I didn’t speak to her for the next forty years until her death.
I felt a weight had been lifted off me,I missed having a mother through various periods of my life but not her as she caused me so much emotional pain.
I was never sorry I cut her out of my life as my emotional well being was more important to me for me to raise my children in a happy environment which she would have spoiled.

Dazy - Your sister will shorten your life because she terrifies you. Terrorism is a crime because it has that effect of causing people to be hyper-vigilant and in many cases, die of stress. You only have two choices here - accept that if you do not break contact with your sister you are disrespecting yourself and enabling her offensive behaviour, you are giving her permission to continue - or understand that if you do break contact you will gradually feel better and live longer. Why on earth have you had two psychotherapists in your life who have explained this to you and you've ignored them. You say it's hard to implement but it isn't - just invoke your self-respect.

Thank you for the continued support everyone. Coconut I loved that quote and I'm going to keep it on my mirror.
hamster58 you've put into words what I was feeling.
Everyone these comments and kindness - so deeply appreciated

What if you are obliged to continue having some sort of contact with the narcissist because she is your ex-wife and you want to see your children ….?

I don't know if this will help, but here is my own experience, which may (or may not) feel relevant. A long time ago there was a relation i used to see more because i thought it mattered a lot to them. But i always ended up in tears due to verbal attacks. Eventually i just said 'If it goes on like this i am not seeing you any more'. And it stopped.

If she says 'I don't do criticism' Just say to her 'neither do I anymore, so stop picking on me or I shall leave your life altogether'.

I’m over 8 years free of my narcissistic sister, she is younger by about 4 years. After years of her spite, trying to control me, mental abuse etc I got up from the cafe table and walked out on her with her shouting at me! Best feeling ever and I haven’t spoken to her since!

I had to cut the relatonship I had with a brother and re-establish it in a way that did not leave me drained and depressed every time there was contact. Yes I feel some guilt but overall much better. Probably not what you could do here but it's a question of getting control. Good suggestions about that here.

Sago

I’m afraid the only way to deal with a narcissist is to go no contact.

My mother was a classic narcissist and my father a complicated one so I feel fairly well qualified to advise.

You will never win.

This is the way.