Calling all adult children

Oh Beescrete
Can we find a common purpose where we offer honest and genuine advice to each other without resorting to cruelty?

I DO hope so.
I think those of us on the "outside" truly wish you all well.

I know I've "grown" a lot as a parent.
I am not estranged (and pray never will be) but parenting is hard and we never get everything right. I know I have got some parenting wrong in the past and now my children are adults I am aware of this more acutely.
I think parents and adult children can't possibly enjoy estrangement and when it happens it's a survival mechanism.

Surely if estranged parents or children have advice - especially re prevention (without endangering anyone) - we should all be listening.

It's been tried countless times over the years NotSpaghetti and has worked when EP's and EAC have wanted it too but as we can see from this thread, that is not always the case and threads become disrupted.

'Twas ever thus' but that doesn't alter the fact that there has been meaningful and mutually respectful discourse between EP's and EAC.

Beescrete Can we find a common purpose where we offer honest and genuine advice to each other without resorting to cruelty?

It would be great Beescrete. Constructive Criticism; Food for Thought; Understanding even if disagreeing of the human reactions we all have to different things....none of which is just "going along" with an OP. How things are expressed makes the difference between someone being able to "hear " the message and take on board what is offered or being pushed into defensiveness because if the awful way that some comments are expressed - accusatory, personal or assumptions made based on nothing that has been said! Which helps no-one!

I'm sorry that your thread has been taken over by unpleasant and unhelpful versions of the above resulting in reporting and deletions and so on.

Thank you for the deletions GNHQ .

I’m the same as NotSpaghetti not estranged from AC in any way but aware that my recollections and theirs vary a good bit and wish I had paid more attention and done some things differently.
A thread for estranged GN ers should never contain insults and hurtful words and it sounds as if a troubled and possibly banned poster is causing problems here.
Would the best idea be to start a new estrangement thread?

If it were to have a similar OP to this one, I don't think it would make any difference unfortunately Oreo.

🤬
You have to wonder about them don’t you? What a shame for EP’s on here.

I quite like being called bonkers though, I have been called worse.

Well there's some comfort in the fact that it says a lot more about them then the EP's they're attacking Oreo.

Smileless2012

Well there's some comfort in the fact that it says a lot more about them then the EP's they're attacking Oreo.

Well yes! But it also detracts from EAC who genuinely want dialogue like Beescrete. Such a shame! 😟

Thankfully Beescrete has had genuine dialogue elsewhere on the estrangement forum.

I do find it rather odd User142374 that in your desire to defend a poster who was banned for the second time 2 years ago, you used a post from her that was made in February 2022!!!

How on earth could you have 'remembered' something written by another poster over 4.5 years ago?

For anyone who may be interested, it was a thread on the estrangement forum entitled 'Repairing Estrangement' and the only poster who reacted strongly was the OP who you can see from her OP, was clearly very distressed at the time.

Something that VioletSky herself was able to understand as on the same page (page 1) she apologised for upsetting the OP.

I believe this to be important ---- estranged parents become offended all the same because, whether they know it or not, they are actually seeking comfort rather than any meaningful solutions.

It seems becoming offended is common, especially if one feels they've been wronged, for whatever reason.

People may prefer the 'oh dear, how could they' comments.

Wow!
Just caught up with this thread and cannot believe how many deletions there are!
Obviously I can imagine that estrangement is a topic where heightened emotions can easily take over. We personally are more or less estranged from our son, as are his sisters, not because we want to be but because he just doesn’t contact us and doesn’t pick up when we call. We had a fairly good relationship before but he has behaved badly towards his ex wife and children and continues to behave badly towards any woman he becomes entangled with which we have all voiced an opinion on. However, am not looking for sympathy or understanding , or someone to be hostile about this, I now care full time for my DH so haven’t the head space for his lack of contact right now.
Just wanted to say that the OP was asking for ‘adult’ to come forwards, seems that some missed the word ‘adult’ here.

This thread was bound to cause upset, people are different, situations are different,though may seem like a situation your going though its not,the mix isn't the same for everyone ever, and hurting people hurt people.

Sorry typos meant to say -
The OP was asking for adult children to come forwards and looks like some missed the word ‘adult’.

As Madgran posted earlier Norah, it's how things are said that matters, something that we say particularly on this forum time and time again.

There's nothing wrong in seeking and receiving comfort but it only ever appears to be a problem for some when EP's are doing so rather than EAC who I'm sure would be just as grateful to receive an oh dear, how could they comment as an EP.

Beescrete

I am here for many reasons. I want to hear and learn from people in a similar situation. I want to talk with people who understand the pain I'm in. I want constructive advice, including from EPs to improve my relationship.

I started sharing a few days ago and every troll has been an EC who just wants to hate EPs.

To be clear, on past threads, I have seen EPs describe ECs in terrible ways and exhibit generally bad behavior.

But on my thread it was fellow ACs who couldn't help but take a cruel swipe at the EPs who were trying to help me.

Can we find a common purpose where we offer honest and genuine advice to each other without resorting to cruelty?

Beescrete Can we find a common purpose where we offer honest and genuine advice to each other without resorting to cruelty?

Estrangement seems a very emotive topic for many, no reasons. People appear to view their upset and not that which they've caused.

Yes I think the word 'adult' was missed by some Fallingstar but let's face it, this is GN so we're all adult children it's just a pity that some can't act like it.

User142374 derailed the current discussion by naming names and using selected 4 year-old quotes from Gransnet and Reddit in an attempt to discredit people.

(What have comments on Reddit to do with any of this?)

Does an inability to let go of old grievances count as a “leaked truth”?

good point Delila as truth leakage has two main concepts. Information disclosure or behavioural psychology when a person's hidden thoughts or lies involuntarily slip out.

I think the latter could possibly be attributed to User142374.

Poor old Beescrete, her perfectly legitimate OP has been spectacularly hijacked by User142374 as a Violetsky tribute act! 😂 I'm in awe of her amazing memory in recalling 4 year old posts from an obscure poster who was publicly shamed and banned from this site more than 2 years ago! Time to move on Jas; you're only hurting yourself and displaying your immaturity with this nonsense.

Beescrete

stillawipp
I agree wholeheartedly. For everyone involved, it can be painful to see posts and comments that remind you of the person you estranged or your estranger, but I see a lot of performative cruelty and I hate that.

Thank you, Beescrete…as you have probably realised, many threads on the Estrangement forum end up as the same old arguments between the same people, but please don’t let it put you off. Those of us who refuse to rise to the baiting try to focus on the original point of the thread, and hopefully can add some useful thoughts.
I was estranged, and am now reconciled after realising that a lot of the problem was me and my behaviour! Having recognised this and worked on it, I went back to my son with a very different attitude and have now been fully accepted back, to my huge joy.
This is just what worked for me in my situation & is no judgement on anyone else’s situation or behaviour. I applaud your efforts to listen and understand all sides of the picture here - in my book that puts you several steps ahead already!

Dammit, I always miss out on the drama. Seriously though, I think those deleted posts were probably overloaded with pain.

What I've seen over and over again on estrangement threads, all over the internet, is this:

One person says something about their situation and another person rushes over and lets them have it, like they think they are talking to the person THEY are estranged from.

It's like if I said I was getting divorced and someone started yelling at me for breaking up my family by cheating on my partner, when that's not what happened in my marriage (I'm not divorced by the way, it's just an example of how strange many of these discussions strike me as).

We each have a personal situation between us and somebody else who we have a long, complicated history with. As with any two people who were once close but part ways, there are probably many different factors involved. Even more so when it's likely one of the, if not THE, closest and deepest connections we ever have.

Going back to the divorce example, I also don't think it's necessary or often even based in reality, this seeming deep desire to identify a bad guy and a good guy. As with a divorce, unfortunately, it didn't work for one or both people involved. Somebody was unhappy enough that they felt the need to leave.

Sure, sometimes it WAS because one of them beat the other one and their life was in danger. Sometimes there IS a bad guy. But far more often, I'd wager, it's not nearly that clear cut or dramatic. It was just too painful for one of them to continue, so they left. That's my situation, anyway, as an EAC.

Also, I'm not even sure we can always say for sure which one left, even though people usually seem to. It's assumed that I left my family but I'd say it was more like they drove me away. When it became obvious to me, after half a century, that it would never change, that I would never be liked or wanted, at some point it just seemed idiotic to keep going back for more of that pain. (Not that they asked me to either, fwiw).

Anyway, that's all I know and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fully make sense of it. It's all very painful, for sure. I feel for everyone who's on here.

As I said earlier in this thread, I'd love to see pairs of estranged parents and children on here, both telling it from their side. They might talk past each other as seems so common with estrangement pairs but maybe the rest of us would have some lightbulb moments. I've never seen anything like that, though. Does anyone know of anything like it?

Sadly not, but as far as I’m concerned you are very welcome here and your input is just as valid and important as anyone else’s. I agree that the deleted posts are probably ‘overloaded with pain’ and I really wish that people would recognise and acknowledge that.