Pressure on the very elderly to move house

They should indeed be left in peace. They would find a move very traumatic.

They need a lifeline pendant - I presume they already have one.

I remember a client of mine who was told by her GP that she should move from her cottage to a sheltered flat in town. She obeyed. What a disaster! - she became very depressed with the loneliness, the traffic noise etc. And she desperately missed the cottage she had lived in for decades. This was a GP who was known for his arrogance - I was tempted to drag him to see her so he could witness her anguish.

Tricky one....my very elderly parents have insisted in staying in their home. I can honestly say it is a complete and utter nightmare.

My father moved in his late 70s from the family house where he'd been over 25 years to a bungalow near my DB. He made the decision and knew it was sensible but was not very happy. My DB did all the work. If a family member wants to push a move they need to do all the work.
I'm in my 60s and in the process of clearing a house I've been in for 20 years in order to move and it's a nightmare. Yesterday my DB and I spent the day dragging lots of dirty old stuff out of the cellar ready for the dump and I'm exhausted. I don't think anyone much older than me could do this.

I was that daughter; lived nearly two hundred miles away, only child, worked full-time, difficult to get there when crises occurred, which they did with increasing regularity.

The four bedroom house was cold, unmodernised and inconvenient; my mother had frequent falls and my father, in his nineties, could not look after her but refused to accept any help. Eventually she went into a home, and he had to follow, as he had a stroke and could not cope.
If they had downsized and/or moved nearer, I could have seen them more frequently and helped much more to keep them in their own home and support their independence. My mother wanted to; it was my father's intransigence which prevented it.
I had to clear and sell the house single handed, whilst they were alive, and it was extremely distressing.
Don't blame the daughter; she is trying to help her parents and is no doubt concerned for their safety.

I think it's a tricky one too.

My parents wanted to move to somewhere more convenient when the stairs became too much but they really left it too late.
We tried to persuade MIL to move from her rented house to a sheltered flat only half a mile or so away from where she was but she refused.

It is up to them to make the final decision, but it is such a worry if you live some distance away, especially if an elderly parent is on their own and not coping with steps but refuses to even contemplate living somewhere more convenient.

We would have gone and helped with any moves, it would have been unthinkable to let them do it on their own.

My younger daughter wants me to move 217 miles to live near her, I can understand her concerns, she can’t expect her husband to sell up their home so she can move near me. There may come a time when I will have to move, there may not.

It would be good if there was more suitable accommodation around for older people - I don't mean retirement villages, just bungalows with small flat gardens!

In fact, with all the present and proposed house building going on has anyone had the foresight to build such homes?
I doubt it, but, if they did, that could release more family sized homes for young families.

We are 82 and 81 living in a 4 bedroomed house, my H has dementia so a move was never on the cards as he can't cope with change at all.
He will be going into full time care soon as he is getting too much for me to cope with.
I currently manage with help in the house and the lawns mowed.
I have considered my situation when I am on my own, my instinct is I will stay put.
My D lives her own life 300 miles away, she thinks I am invincible.
My S lives 2 miles away, he hasn't visited for 2 months, he has his own problems and I don't bother him.
We are all different and I think the OP's neighbours should stay where they are happy.

I’m in my late 70s, and this problem was recently settled for me. I was aware the my house was no longer suitable for me. Large old semi, very large garden, outbuildings, crumbling roof, rotting windows, all kinds of faults. I’d lived in it for 40 years. I didn’t have the energy to house-hunt and move, but I was very worried about maintenance. I just couldn’t be bothered. I had a cleaner and someone to do basic gardening, but it was all getting out of hand.

Then I collapsed and was in hospital for six weeks. In that time my elder son took over and found me a very nice flat in a place where there is some care if needed, but it’s not intrusive. I still feel a bit of a stranger here, but it is as nice as I’m likely to find, and I’m grateful. Apart from essentials most of my stuff is still in the old house, so I am waiting till my sons (who live 200miles away) are free to move more things here. A lot will have to go, of course, and then we’ll sell the house. It’s in a very good location and in spite of its faults I think someone will eventually buy it - I hope so, or I’ll have to pay two lots of council tax!

I think these things solve themselves in the end.

After living in the family home for over 40 years we downsized a few years ago, but still in the same area. It took us the best part of a year to dispose of furniture, clothing, etc., Seven years down the line, we do not regret the move but I do miss my dresser!

I've known of old people who are living in cold, badly maintained houses that are far too big - and people who refuse any outside help, however badly they need it.

Dh had an aunt like this - too mean to pay though she could well afford it. Sent away every carer dh arranged for her. We lived a 2 hour drive away so could not be popping in all the time. She relied on neighbours, mostly elderly themselves, who would wail to me over the phone that they couldn't cope any more! It was very difficult.

However the couple I posted about live in a warm, perfectly manageable house. They aren't averse to outside help - they have carers in daily to help with various things. They are well organised with a taxi co. to take them to familiar shops and a cafe where they are well known. There is a corner shop close by they can get to - one goes on a mobility scooter.
There is a big hospital just down the road, so that after the occasional fall, an ambulance has arrived within minutes.
They are both still perfectly well able to use the phone.
They have neighbours - not just us - close by, who will help when asked, which is not often.

I can see that they might be marginally safer in sheltered accommodation, but it would surely only be marginal, and if they'd be miserable, as I am pretty sure they would be, away from everything they know - would it really be worth it?

In my previous life as an estate agent some of the saddest sights I saw were elderly people, now on their own, reduced to living in one room downstairs. They had left it too late to move and simply couldn't face the upheaval.

I think you should move before you really need to to make life easier.

None of us know what life's going to throw at us as we get older and the thought of moving out of a family home can be the last thing that anyone would ever consider.
Should a person perhaps become widowed then it is entirely their decision to stay put if they so wish providing that there are no health/safety issues and that they can cope both physically and mentally.
Health can deteriorate rapidly with the upheaval of moving as well as the psychological trauma of leaving behind everything that was familiar.
There are teams of carers who will look after a person in their own home.

I wonder whether your neighbours woulod consider a scheme like Homeshare:

"Homeshare brings together people with spare rooms with people who are happy to chat and lend a hand around the house in return for affordable, sociable accommodation."

homeshareuk.org/

That would put the childerns' minds at rest because someone would be keeping an eye on their welfare.

It is extremely difficult to find good quality care. There are massive shortages in some areas. I tried to find somebody for my parents and it wasn't a case of what we wanted, but did they have any slots.

It is not a case of people staying in their homes with a kindly team of familiar faces popping in to help.

I have also worked as a carer so I have inside knowledge of the industry, and believe me it is an industry.

I'm not sure that I personally feel comfortable with that arrangement humptydumpty.

My Dad was a GP and often talked about elderly patients who'd left it too late to move to more suitable accommodation for older age. He and Mum made sure to move in their 60s to a good flat with convenient access to all that might be needed. They had many happy years there. They made lots of new friends and had very nice neighbours. It worked so well that we have now made exactly the same move.
I don't mean to be smug. I know we've learned from the difficulties that others have faced. The moral? Don't leave it too late!

well said Jane. Have those difficult conversations and make decisions while you still can.

I would say that it's an easier decision as a couple but not so on the one left behind with all the memories.

From what you've said Witzend I would say they should be allowed to stay where they are.

I am so against older people being coerced/forced out of a home they love, and have lived in for years, provided of course that the home is suitable for their needs in old age.

Even the word I used - 'allowed' is chilling as it implies that so many very elderly are turfed out by grown up offspring who might just be thinking about what is convenient for them.

I hope they have the strength to stand up to the daughter.

It is very sad and an immense worry to have parents or a parent in their home without adequate support. Things happen which alter the scenario very quickly.

FWIW I have a friend whose parents have used the Homeshare scheme very successfully, with a lodger in the basement flat; during her time there, the husband has died, and she has provided continuity and support for the mother.