Pressure on the very elderly to move house

But you can take your memories with you. A house is bricks and mortar. Being sentimental about things is preventing several of my friends from moving into somewhere they can manage. They constantly grumble, but do nothing about changing things, which I realise is their choice. But it also means the rest of us have to run round after them.

The couple sound as if they are alright.
From the subsequent post it seems they are well set up in most ways.
Why rock the boat just yet.
At the age of ninety my grandmother decided she would leave her home of fifty years and move from London to Cornwall .
It was at the behest of a relative who quite fancied living in a beautiful bungalow down there.
My Grandmother did not make it. With her house packed into boxes around her she died a day before the move.

As for expecting others to run around after them, Izabella, dh's old aunt expected a friend who lived a 20 minute drive away - and was still working - to come and fill her 2 hot water bottles every night! She was very miffed when after a while the friend said, sorry, she really couldn't do it any more.

Dh had offered to get her an electric blanket - no, she didn't hold with those things.

Sounds so familiar Witzend

gmelon that's so very sad and this sort of sadness must happen to many in times such as that.

I sold up a number of years ago because of the financial implications involving living in a Grade II listed villa which would have bled me dry maintaining it to the standard expected, plus the rates back in the late 90's were hovering on the £2,000 a year mark.
I was then able to help my daughters and at the age of 65 I applied for an "assisted flat ". It's a lovely home that I have and is linked to the emergency services should I need them. A support officer visits twice a week so the rest of my life is taken care of. Family are near enough too so I count myself lucky.

Yes initially I was devastated and had to sell and get rid of a lot of stuff from the 3 floor house but I've still managed to hang on to a few bits and pieces that don't take up too much room here. Thank goodness I moved when I did because a move now would kill me. In fact I probably would have ended up like some poor soul with the place falling down around my ears.

And what happens if the daughter moves a few years down the line?

My MiL was 'sensible'. At 67, 2 years a widow she sold her (small) semi and moved from the town her family had lived in for generations and she had never left and moved to be near her only child (DH) in a big town 60 miles away, leaving all her other friends and family behind. Travelling back to her old home was difficult as there were no direct transport links.

We loved having her less than half a mile away, saw her almost daily and she seemed happy, but after 18 months she suddenly became ill, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died a few weeks later, aged only 69. She had previously been very healthy.

There is no proof that the move and upheaval caused her cancer but we would have preferred her to stay where she was, surrounded by familiar friends and family, with us visiting every week or so and feel she would have been with us much longer if she hadn't moved. She was the one worried about the distance, not us, and initiated the move.

I can see both sides of it. The couple want to keep their own home because that's where their memories are. It is true that a sudden move can precipitate problems in an older person, acute delirium being the most common.

However, I think it's reasonable for the daughter to suggest that they may want to consider the future. I'm NOT saying she has the right to say they MUST move. But she could approach it in a gentle way, saying, "You know, I'm wondering if you have made any plans for what will happen if there's a point where you can't stay at home anymore." I think it's important to have these discussions because if they become unable to make their own decisions, their daughter is likely the one who will have to do it. It's important to know what they would want in such a scenario. A family friend is 100 years old and lives in a lodge. She's still very functional, but she was living on a rather remote farm alone. (She's been widowed for a number of years.) Her sons said to her, "You know, Mom, our concern is that your farm is pretty remote and we're worried that if there's a problem you'd have a hard time getting help in an emergency. We'd be more comfortable if you moved into the lodge in town just so we know there's help available." (Keep in mind we are in Canada and the area where she lives is known for long, hard winters with lots of snow.) She moved into a lodge in a nearby community and has many friends there.

One option that they could consider (to minimize the number of moves) is to see if there is an "aging in place" facility in their area. These facilities are designed as "communities" that offer various levels of care, all in one location. The most common setup is that they will have some areas that are lower-care and some that are higher-care, but there are facilities that have an "integrated" model, where people of different care needs live in the same area. My grandmother lives in a facility with an integrated model - she has dementia and can't live at home anymore.

At the end of the day, though, they have a right to live at risk if that's what they want to do.

As Barmeyoldbat (what a great name ) has pointed out - supposing the daughter and her family want to move ?

I can fully see that in some cases a move is to be encouraged, but this particular couple seem to be coping very well.

Very importantly - they are happy where they are.

Yes they are happy and that's wonderful but do they have a safety net? Are there good Care agencies with spaces or are there private carers in the area?
Because it can turn on a sixpence.

The last sentence from agnurseis right. People are entitled to make their own decisions even if we do not think they are right or it leaves them vulnerable. I can see both viewpoints here though, the family want to care for them and have them close and they are only acting in their parents best interests as they see it.
In this case and everyone's circumstances are different I would let the status quo remain. The elderly couple are managing and happy with some support from the poster.
I think EllenVannin your hopes of a team of people to care for the couple is quite optimistic.

Let me introduce you to a word anybody in this position needs to learn " capacity"

If the older people are deemed to have capacity , there is precious little anybody can do.
So you sit back and watch them deteriorate, make poor choices, fall, stop eating and so on.

Oh and leave their door open and be ripped off by anybody who cares to.

Barmeyoldbat I have known that to happen with other elderly people.

What we were suggesting with our elderly relatives was moving within their neighbourhood to somewhere more manageable on one level - so they didn't have to change GP surgery, dentist, etc could still see friends and visit their usual neighbourhood shops.

My mother aged 94 is sadly living out her last years in a miserable state in her own home because she wouldnt contemplate moving after my dad died when she was in her early 80s. Then she was fit enough to manage the huge garden and happy with dated bathroom, kitchen and so on. She was determined to live forever. Fast forward only a few years, and she deteriorated and eventually became immobile after a serious fall down the stairs out of her stairlift. She is now confined to one room and can do nothing for herself. She has (inadequate) carers four times a day and and a huge family input to maintain her, the house and garden. Would I expect this of my children or should I try and plan ahead??

But it also means the rest of us have to run round after them.

Actually, you don't have to, Izabella.

It costs a lot of money to move house and, if they are determined to stay put, that money could be used for help.

Well there is no easy or right answer. I guess each family does what they think is right at the time. Sometimes it works out and sometimes not. I imagine they will work it out themselves.

Please anybody reading this do not assume things will be fine and it's just a matter of ringing a few care agencies and help is at hand.

That is not the case for me, my husband and several friends who find themselves in this situation.

I second that oldbatty

And......you kind of do if it’s your parents FarNorth.

DH has had many health problems from quite a young age. I think because of that we made the decision to move into a flat where we don't need to maintain the garden or exterior decorating. There is a lift and we are close to shops. I think it is a decision that people should think about when they are fit and reasonably young and healthy. I know many who have left it too late. Living remotely then not being able to drive, having large gardens they can't cope with, having falls and not having anyone close at th and to help. It is a really diffiult decision to make especially if you live in a home where you are happy and have good neighbours. We are happy we made the right decision for us at a time when we could sort it out for ourselves.

Jalima, sometimes the help is not good enough. That would worry me as I have witnessed a really inferior standard of care involving one older client.
If the family is not close enough to monitor the standard of care personally they have to rely on other people reporting back.
It is such a difficult decision for everyone to make. I/we already know that if our home becomes too difficult to manage I/we will move. I hope I’ve got it hard wired into ny brain.
I want to keep as much independence as possible and make looking after me as simple as possible for my DD’s.

I am currently looking into buying my last home as where I am is a lot to look after and maintain on my own. I'm doing it while I am ok, fit and active, nearly 70. I have a place in mind not far at all from shops, bus routes, GP, dentist, a family member....less rooms, smaller gardens, very manageable. And I will have a bit of money over to supplement my very low pension.

I have witnessed my neighbour [80's] who refused to move to be nearer her daughter who had to come over 3 times a week despite having problems of her own. Neighbour otherwise was isolated and whenever I offered to help she would always refuse saying her daughter would see to it all. This went on for years. I personally thought the daughter could do with a break.

Neighbour needed an operation greatly affecting her mobility so more pressure on the family, then later became ill and had to move out anyway. It could all have been easier if she had moved earlier but I can see why she wanted to stay in her home, which was lovely, where she had lived with her husband and family for 60 years.

But I have decided not to do the same, as although neighbour stayed put she was often miserable and most times alone.

I am in the process of trying to get myself ready for when I am old and less able. I was carer for my late parents and I know how hard it is to be the sole carer. 4 Care Agency visits a day are not enough even with a family carer as well.
I have also seen other family members who have tried to "inherit before death" so I know to be careful on that side of things too.
I have a number of properties and those are being sold off now. It is too much bother to be a landlord on my own.
Some properties are ones which were bought for reasons and have no emotional connections. Other properties have been in the family for 25, 55 and 70 years. These are a bit harder to consider selling but it has to be done.
I thought I was about decided on where I want to buy the next property but parts of this thread have highlighted some things that I really need to check some more on.
Given what I saw as a carer with both the NHS and SSin relation to their care of the elderly I am fearful for the future. The NHS and SS are quite highly paid for their services and have a legal duty of care, a family carer is on a low benefit, no training and legal duties. It is long past time that elderly care was made to work properly.