Do I say something ( this could be a long post)

Is it your husband ,or your friends husband that you are referring too ?
Was the minister trying to crack a joke ?

It sounds like clumsy banter?

I'm not sure why it would give you any cause for concern or worth repeating to your friend?

Is it because he's a Minister you found it inappropriate? I quite like that he has a sense of humour?

Or did he say it dead pan and was serious?

Ignore his crass attempt at a joke. Sometimes people say stupid things.

What a nasty suggestive comment Petra.
It’s a form of sexual harassment to try to make you feel uncomfortable in that way, and to imply your OH might be ‘fiddling’ with other women. Yuk.
Personally I wouldn’t say anything to your friend. She’s not responsible for his actions and what would you gain by it?
You risk disillusioning her about her church (it’s not clear from your post whether he’s the minister at her church) and you know what people say about shooting the messenger.
If you really feel you need to talk about him to her you could make a very general sort of enquiry along the lines of how long had he been a minister and was he well thought of etc and see where the conversation leads.

At the best it was a very ill judged remark but I agree with the others and suggest you say nothing to your friend. It could well be that many other people find his remarks unsuitable to people he does not know - maybe she is embarrassed by him and worried about what he could have said to you and your DH.

jane
Thank you for your understanding. No, he is not a minister at her church. I will keep my council for the time being.
It has just come to mind that she has a problem with a minister at her church who has become attached to a young woman member at her church. She has confronted him and it didn't go well.
Having remembered this problem, I can't bring this up.

I would definitely try to let this go as a very feeble attempt at a joke.
A more acceptable version I have heard about an older man with a soft top car or a motor bike is that it is a safer form of “midlife crisis” than a trophy blonde.
Not very funny either but less offensive.
Unless your paths cross again I would say forget it. He may not have meant it to come out that way either.
Your friendship is much more important than this silly man.

I think vicars,ministers,whatever sometimes feel they have to show that they are not uptight and prudish. The trouble is they are by the nature of their calling somewhat removed from everyday life and how people talk to each other because nobody behaves naturally with them. So they get it wrong when they try. He was trying with the car and his comment to be one of the boys.

Just try to let it go. It was meaningless.

It's probably best not to bring this up with your friend - although if she is friends with this minister and his wife then perhaps she knows what he is like.

It's difficult to react when you're caught on the hop like that and I always think of what I could have said later. You could have said 'No, you shouldn't say anything like that!'.

Perhaps he is the one having a mid-life crisis.

I'm going against the flow here, but as you and your friend are so close I would mention it, in just the same way as you have on here. I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't to be honest and not doing so may be to make more of the incident than is warranted.

Oh my word it’s nothing why even give it a second thought it was a daft joke that wasn’t remotely funny Why on earth would you want to repeat it
It’s not exactly bleep bleep bleep is it just a ridiculous old man trying to sound hip and young
Eglantine is exactly right he was just trying to sound one of the boys
Throw it out with the bath water what good would it do to ‘tell on’ him to your friend unless you are both going to have a good laugh about what a twit he is

I wouldn’t say anything now, but would store it away inside as an indication of what this minister may be like. He doesn’t sound like someone I would trust with my deepest secrets.

I don’t think that this has anything to do with your friend, she is friendly with someone who has an illjudged sense of humour. Sometimes people say the oddest things and at the oddest times, thinking it’s funny, but maybe he’s known for it?
I’m sure it wasn’t meant maliciously.

I agree with most, that it doesn't warrant a second thought and was a feeble attempt at humour.
However, if you feel compelled to mention it to your friend, make light of it. I wouldn't quote him directly maybe just say
"X told me that, at least the car keeps DH out of mishief" said with a smile.

I’m with grannya on this. Why should you enable and facilitate this man in his sleazey talk - a minister- really? I wonder who he might be ‘fiddling’ ( yukky word ) with and what other women or girls he is making feel uncomfortable with his totally unacceptable comments? If it were me I would say what happened next time I saw my friend and say it made you feel uncomfortable and you don’t know what to do. No wonder some men carry on behaving badly if we as women allow it and thereby encourage it

I think that I would say to my friend "Well I don't think much of your visitor" and tell her what he said. It was a nasty, vulgar thing to say and would have troubled me too. What did your husband think about it?

Sounds like a weak attempt at a joke. I must admit that sometimes my own DH makes really tacky "jokes" in company, things that he'd never say at home . It's as if he is trying to be " one of the boys" but it comes across as very unpleasant.

I'd ignore this man's attempt at humour. Don't over-think it, it's nothing to do with your friend or your friend's husband. He's just a man who said something tacky.

It was an ill considered comment nothing more in my opinion. Don't make an issue out of something and nothing petra it's not worth upsetting your friend.

Can I ask Petra and other’s who have advised telling your friend, what the purpose is in telling your friend?
If it is to warn her in some way because you feel she is under threat that might be a good idea.
If you’re expecting her to talk to him about it I don’t think that’s fair. The comment upset you. Getting her to fire the bullets for you isn’t right.
If you hope she’ll cut the friendship well that isn’t right either. I wouldn’t cut a friend just because someone else “reported” them to me.
If it’s just to relieve your feelings and express your indignation you have Gransnet!

Honestly, it was between you and him. If you need to say something it should be to him. It’s not your friends responsibility. Beware of making her chose between you and him. You might not come out the winner.......

I would like to know if a visitor to my house spoke to a friend and neighbour of mine. Also he’s not just some random male is he?

Really Eglantine saying something to my friend about her obnoxious visitor is just something I would do without going into my motives beforehand. As for making her choose between him and me this would never come into my mind. I can only speak for about my life but in this situation we would either laugh/or be cross about a minister who felt it ok to say such things or if it turned out that my friend defended him then that would mean we would leave the subject and move on to other things. I would certainly not expect her to speak to him about it.
I guess we all handle situations differently and I am just setting out how it would be for me.

If you accord some special status to employees of the church I guess not.

Personally I think picking up the cudgels on someone else’s behalf is a forest beset with traps. Or expecting someone else to deal with what essentially is your problem.

But we quite often see things differently Maryeliza. Makes life interesting at least ?

Yes a minister (doctor, psychotherapist etc) does have special status which is why all professions like that have codes of ethics about behaviour inside and outside of work. This man has a trusted status and it’s clear he doesn’t seem understand the boundaries of appropriate behaviour. I woukd be far from sanguine that this comment was a one off

Eglantine21
I think your right. He wanted to appear as being very modern and on the edge. He said himself "I always wanted something like this, but wasn't allowed, that's why I play golf"
I have given a lot of thought as to why I even thought of telling her. The only reason I can think of is because she is the person I go to with anything on my mind.
Maryeliza54
I think you've hit on something there: that word 'fiddling'. To me it is a horrible word especially in that context and coupled with the word 'minister'
DanniRae
We got in the car, looked at one another and said " what was that about, wierd"