Emotionally abusive??

I have watched among my friends and on here and it appears to me that the generation who are our children will never be satisfied with anything us parents did for them. They still expect us to babysit and give money and generally do as we are told (meet their demands) and if we don't there is always the default punishment of withdrawing out much loved grandchildren from us.

I am not sure but I do wonder if the fact that our children were brought up in times when parents did not smack bottoms and teachers did not have belts has made them think they are so much more perfect than us.

The blame for absolutely everything rests with our generation. Mumsnet gives such an insight in the minds of our children's generation. It is scary that people with those attitudes are bringing up a whole generation of children. Someone mentioned National Service earlier, maybe a good idea.

M0nica your post reminded me of my sister's extreme reaction after our father died. Out came the most surprising and, to my other sister and me, illogical accusations of slights and favouritism visited on her primarily by us but also by our parents. We didn't remember any of these things that she had stored up for more than fifty years! Certainly, I remembered her as the favoured one (youngest of three) who got new clothes while I wore my older sister's hand-me-downs. She also had a bike (I never had a bike) and was pretty with blonde hair!

It would never occur to me to harbour resentment about such things. By the age of 14 or so I was making my own, fashionable clothes, had no desire to cycle anywhere and had to fend off the boys! If I wanted a bike now, I'd get one but no thank you! I have a car! I don't resent my older sister either, even though she had many advantages by being first born.

When we become adults we have to (try to) throw off the emotional baggage of a normal childhood. I'm certain my parents never meant to make differences between us. We suffered no abuse, physical or emotional as far as I remember. They brought us up with love and security (and rules!) to the best of their ability. They were human with human faults and their own, wartime childhood experiences to rationalise. Money for new clothes and bikes was pretty tight until we were old enough for my mother to get a job. My late husband and I did the same with our three. I hope their memories of childhood are mainly positive. It's proper weird that my sister remembers things so differently! ?

You must feel very hurt. I do think our adult children's generation post far too much on social media. Family issues should be kept within the family. Without knowing you or her, impossible to know what she means by emotionally abusive. Curious as to how you managed to inadvertently read the comment on her social media? Presumably if you weren't supposed to be reading it, you can't really discuss it with her. Some people use media sites to blow off steam. It makes them feel better and is sometimes then instantly forgotten. It may have been instigated by something pretty minor at a time she was already feeling stressed or upset. Please don't let it sour an obviously loving relationship with her. She obviously needs you.

The person who is being emotionally abusive is her partner who has a gambling addiction and is using up all her hard earned money. He is 17 years older than her and it is highly likely has involved your daughter in a relationship which may have some elements of coercion. Hence her depression and inability to get out of the situation having found it intolerable. It may well be part of the 'coercion' concerns your role in her life completely misrepresented by her partner.

There is a 3 step process abusers use which includes love bombing which is I think a honeymoon period when everything the love object, your daughter, does is perfect and then followed guilt trips etc. After all she was just 20 when she took up with him and at that time he was very probably an attractive mature man.

a person who has been love bombed is always trying to return to that period of joy and as a result does not get there act together and does not leave.

see relate website and wikipedia.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abusive_power_and_control

Another aspect of a love relationship is that the longer we have put effort into maintaining it the harder it is to leave it and let it go.

I am so sorry your daughter is in this position and that her partner (probably) has influenced her to feel any depression is your fault.

mmm Ingrid a couple of thoughts.....how did you come across this information? Were you at some level almost expecting it/looking for it?

I'm not sure the partner with the gambling addiction can cause depression. The situation sounds unpleasant but the depression may have prexisited.

Third thought is sorry, this must be so hurtful for you especially as you have supported her so much

I can imagine how terribly hurt you feel. There are a million possibile explanations but the only response I can think of is to say to your daughter is "I saw these comments online, can we please talk about this" and leave it as open as possible. Tempting as it is to say how terribly hurt and puzzled you were I think it is better to not say that because it already sets the tone of the conversation. None of this is easy. ?

we cannot go backwards. Smacked bottoms, teachers caning pupils and National Service are not really helpful ideas, in my opinion.

Exactly what MOnica says.
When my daughter has what we jokingly call her 'wobbles' I'm the punch bag. I've been called every name under the sun, including the c word.
Yes, it does hurt but my backs broad and I know in my heart that she hates herself for saying it.
But I would never ever bring these accusations up in conversations. I've tried to live my life by "let sleeping dogs lie" and "a still tongue makes a wise head"

Belgravia I think you could right about blaming parents. As a therapist and trainer I always always tell clients and students that it is easy to find causes for our behaviours and then blame that person or people. Good well trained therapist do not lead clients, and if they do, it might be that they are counter transferring and projecting how they feel about their own parents. They need help themselves if they do that. This is the sort of thing I say to client.’Now I know you might think your parents are to blame for your behaviour, but you are a mature person now who can also be emotionally mature’. Your parents did the best they could with the resources they had at that time’. What would you say to going through a forgiveness of both them and yourself as you have put yourself through anger and bitterness. It might not mean that all will be hunky dory again, but right now you need some emotional freedom’.

Clients often feel a real sense of release no matter what the outcome might be.

My advice is to stop therapy if the therapist appears to be leading you and find someone who steers you towards finding your own resourcefulness.
Anyone who posts on social media about private matters could suggest emotional immaturity and a need to hurt for whatever reason they have.

westerlywind I know exactly what you mean - my oldest friend and I are often gobsmacked / bemused / outraged by what we are apparently held responsible for by our adult children. My parents were very far from good but I just accepted that was my lot in life. And also lizzypopbottle it was the same in our family - you would think my 2 siblings and I were brought up in 3 separate families, our memories are so different. So Ingrid45 I'm sorry to say this seems the way of the world now - after the first 100 times you get accused of something you haven't done, it gets a bit easier - not much consolation, sorry ?

oldbatty - I have noticed that the "children" of my generation have/had more respect for their parents grandparents and people such as teachers, police, vicars, etc than the younger generation do. You can comment on other peoples' views if you want but what would you suggest is the way forward with the younger generation?

Uncalled for and devastating when you know it is from your own child .Can you continue as if it never happened ?and refrain from any more' propping up'

westerly, thanks for allowing me to comment. I don't think dragging out the old chestnuts of smacked bottoms and National Service helps. I had my bottom smacked regularly and it was physical abuse which accompanied all sorts of other abuse.
I think parenting is very tough and rules , boundaries and consistency are important. Its time consuming, lonely and boring .So very difficult to maintain when children and bombarded with messages that happiness is equated with material goods and social media pumps out this message .
The whole of one generation cannot be written off as disrespectful or nasty. There are good and bad in all ages.

Been there Ingrid. I used to post on Mumsnet and, because we did full time child care for them, I was looking for some help with my DGC on a specific subject. One poster in the forum for children with the particular problem I was researching, had posted a rant about how her mother was unsupportive, uncaring, disinterested in the problems she felt her children had. When I unsuspectingly mentioned that I’d been looking for advice, and seen this, she said it was her and that was how she felt I was. The children were delivered and picked up by their father for almost a year and I shut My Mumsnet account. It was very hurtful, specially since we were still doing the childcare.

Nemosmum, ‘schema based CBT’ does ‘delve’. I am not a great fan of CBT as it often only helps in the short term anyway. It’s also worth noting that sadly, it can be very hit and miss who someone seeking help ends up seeing. A Counsellor is very different in training and knowledge base to a Clinical Psychologist. A Therapist may be a Clinical Psychologist, but they are more likely someone who has undertaken training (sometimes only a short course) in a specific therapy. They don’t have the knowledge base to work successfully with a client if that model of therapy isn’t working for them, and they don’t have the broad training in human behaviour and emotional experiences.

Petra, the situation you described sounds very unhealthy and I would be hesitant to jokingly refer to it as anything other than what it is - verbal abuse. I hope you know that you do not have to be anyone's punching bag and that you should be able to speak to your daughter about you right to be treated respectfully, as I'm sure you treat your daughter. I'm not sure that your philosophy of "let sleeping dogs lie" and "a still tongue makes a wise head" is helpful to your situation. It is unacceptable behaviour from anyone, including our children.

Ingrid45, if your relationship with your daughter is otherwise okay, then I wouldn't worry too much over it. Did the post mention you specifically? It seems to be a trend on social media to post immediate feelings, without thought for the repercussions. I'm sure we are all guilty of thinking things which we wouldn't otherwise say out loud in the heat of the moment. There also seems to be a trend of posting vague messages which could relate to a number of people. If the post was vague, then I'm sure you're not the only person wondering if it was intended for them.

adaunas, that must have been terrible. Yet she still wanted you to do full time childcare!

The expectations of grandparents to do childcare is a permanent thing with some. I have been very ill and still expected to provide care. I have been injured and still the expectation was there. I am criticised on every possible subject and still they think I should provide childcare.

As soon as I refused on health grounds to do childcare I was cut off. Then I realised that the only time I ever saw my own children was when they dropped off children. I was only ever a person to be used to them.

Ingrid45

Emotional abuse is when someone plays mind-games. Nice one minute, nasty the next. Someone who you are never quite sure of, whose words belie their actions, who make you think that you have misinterpreted what they say, even though the meaning was clear. In other words, they f with your head.

westerly , that sounds awful and totally not on. Is there a way to resolve this?

Ingrid Just push what your daughter said to the back of your mind and get on with life. She is depressed, being married to a unemployed compulsive gambler must be a difficult and depressing life. Where does he get the money from to gamble? Despite what one poster said, living that way, with no money, probably debts and all her hard earned money going on whatever he gambles on would almost definitely cause depression, even if she had previousy had the most resilient of natures.

If we are going to bandy around psychological terms, your daughter and her DH seemed to be locked into a relationship of co-dependency. Until she can break that bond and separate herself mentally from her spouse and look for solutions to her problems, there is nothing much you can do and unjustified abuse like this is par with the course.

However, you are in charge of how you respond to it, you can collude with it, put on metaphorical sackcloth and ashes and join your daughters codependency, or you can see it for what it is - the flaying around of a woman in an impossible situation trying to find a way out that doesn't involve facing up to the real facts of the situation. It could just be that this is her first step on the road to reality.

However, if the help you give her/them includes paying debts or filling gaps in their expenditure like buying food or clothes. I would stop doing that now. While you do that you are colluding with them and making it easier to avoid facing up to the facts. You may need to be cruel to be kind and let debt overwhelm them, because only then will they face up to the real situation.

four types of abuse physical mental sexual and emotional instead of putting on social media this should have been discussed with you

I’m so sorry Ingrid, horrible for you.

5 including neglect. Nobody can make somebody depressed.
Just like I cant make you happy/sad / angry.

Has your daughter been receiving counselling/therapy?

Recently in either the Times or the D Telegraph I read a sad article from a mother whose daughter had been poisoned against her by a therapist. Can't remember the details of the story but several readers responded with similar stories of being estranged totally from daughters who had been in therapy.