Emotionally abusive??

Oldbatty - I would not say a word to anyone at the moment. I have my thoughts on what to do about this in the long term. Currently I have freedom from all the various abuses and that alone is an improvement

westerly you sound really fed up. Is there any body you can talk to about this situation?

Oldbatty- It is best to stay away from situations which are bad for me.
FarNorth - You second paragraph sums things up exactly. When I was young I thought I was full of style with my tartan trousers my home made dresses and hand knitted cardis. Our children would be horrified in those clothes. One of my DCs mentioned the dorky clothes they had. At the time they were the style. They don't seem to think at all.
I am so delighted that the younger generation are so perfect and their children will never moan about the clothes they wore today.

Good post, Lilyflower. None of us are perfect.
Because of the really awful relationship I had with their father ( due to his unpredicted mental illness) our children suffered a lot.
I apologised to each of them not long ago, they've all coped with it in their own way.
I have a step daughter too, we used to get on eachother's nerves, but when she became a mother herself we warmed to eachother at last.
These relationships can't be put into neat classifications.

I wasn't recommending the info in the article, just giving it as an example of what people mean when they say parents are/were emotionally abusive.

I think that some young people today give no thought to their parents' backgrounds or life situation while bringing up children. They feel that anything other than a perfect childhood (whatever that is) is abusive towards them.

the article was fairly light weight but I could identify with many of the points raised. I guess if you do feel you have been the victim of emotional abuse what are you going to do with this information?

Farnorth, I read your article about emotional abuse. It was unscientific and took a default position that everything wrong with an adult's life could be blamed on their parents. It was followed by an ad which started 'Four things about your Zodiac...' Said it all, really.

Yes, no parent gets it truly right, but then children grow up and get some perspective. My mother exhibited many of the traits deliniated in the article and I was very damaged by my parents' acrimonious divorce. However, looking at their own upbringing I realise that they did what they could under the circumstances.

Parents cannot be held responsible for behaviour which they hold in common with others of their time and judged by criteria which were hardly known by them and their peers. It would be like saying parents were rotten because they have their children butter if, in twenty years time, it was no longer the fashion to do so.

Psychobabble and zodiacs. Says it all.

Westerly it sounds awful. So are you not in contact at all now?

I once described my mother as being 'elderly' on social media. BIG MISTAKE! It wasn't meant to be rude, I just couldn't think of any other word for her age.

I'd put up the post because I found a way of giving the gift of a box filled with favourite and useful things instead of one possibly unwanted present. I shared it and mentioned I'd put it together for my 'elderly' mum.

She rang me up to say how annoyed with me she was when she read it.

I really hadn't expected her reaction. Now, I don't write ANYTHING about family or myself, as you just don't know how people respond.

I would certainly ask your DD what she meant, whether you saw it inadvertently or not, otherwise it may stay on your mind. Better to ask now rather than bring it up weeks/months/years later so at least you may have some kind of explanation.

I am saddened by some of the stories on GN, and wanted to redress the balance a little.
Not all adult children behave like this and I think mostly we have brought up kind and caring adults who have respect for others.
Seems sometimes we enable the bad behaviour by not being firm and saying 'no' when its necessary. Our adult children need to find their own way in the world and achieve independence. Support them where we can but we can't and shouldn't try to make life perfect.

Oldbatty - Thank you for your kind words. I do not think there is any way to resolve my situation. I have only been a source of money or services to my DCs. Them using me for babysitting is only one aspect. I have been criticised to such a level that I really thought I was totally useless. I didn't even realise that they were lying. I trusted them. But if I was really so useless why would they make me babysit. Surely they would want to protect their children from being left with someone who is too stupid to know to breathe. There has also been physical violence towards me to such an extent that I was reported as a vulnerable adult. This pressure has been on me for a great number of years, more than 15 years, and I don't see how they could ever make up for the sheer nastiness of it all. There is so much I could say but there is the basics.

Wise words MOnica.

Has your daughter been receiving counselling/therapy?

Recently in either the Times or the D Telegraph I read a sad article from a mother whose daughter had been poisoned against her by a therapist. Can't remember the details of the story but several readers responded with similar stories of being estranged totally from daughters who had been in therapy.

5 including neglect. Nobody can make somebody depressed.
Just like I cant make you happy/sad / angry.

I’m so sorry Ingrid, horrible for you.

four types of abuse physical mental sexual and emotional instead of putting on social media this should have been discussed with you

Ingrid Just push what your daughter said to the back of your mind and get on with life. She is depressed, being married to a unemployed compulsive gambler must be a difficult and depressing life. Where does he get the money from to gamble? Despite what one poster said, living that way, with no money, probably debts and all her hard earned money going on whatever he gambles on would almost definitely cause depression, even if she had previousy had the most resilient of natures.

If we are going to bandy around psychological terms, your daughter and her DH seemed to be locked into a relationship of co-dependency. Until she can break that bond and separate herself mentally from her spouse and look for solutions to her problems, there is nothing much you can do and unjustified abuse like this is par with the course.

However, you are in charge of how you respond to it, you can collude with it, put on metaphorical sackcloth and ashes and join your daughters codependency, or you can see it for what it is - the flaying around of a woman in an impossible situation trying to find a way out that doesn't involve facing up to the real facts of the situation. It could just be that this is her first step on the road to reality.

However, if the help you give her/them includes paying debts or filling gaps in their expenditure like buying food or clothes. I would stop doing that now. While you do that you are colluding with them and making it easier to avoid facing up to the facts. You may need to be cruel to be kind and let debt overwhelm them, because only then will they face up to the real situation.

westerly , that sounds awful and totally not on. Is there a way to resolve this?

Ingrid45

Emotional abuse is when someone plays mind-games. Nice one minute, nasty the next. Someone who you are never quite sure of, whose words belie their actions, who make you think that you have misinterpreted what they say, even though the meaning was clear. In other words, they f with your head.

The expectations of grandparents to do childcare is a permanent thing with some. I have been very ill and still expected to provide care. I have been injured and still the expectation was there. I am criticised on every possible subject and still they think I should provide childcare.

As soon as I refused on health grounds to do childcare I was cut off. Then I realised that the only time I ever saw my own children was when they dropped off children. I was only ever a person to be used to them.

adaunas, that must have been terrible. Yet she still wanted you to do full time childcare!

Petra, the situation you described sounds very unhealthy and I would be hesitant to jokingly refer to it as anything other than what it is - verbal abuse. I hope you know that you do not have to be anyone's punching bag and that you should be able to speak to your daughter about you right to be treated respectfully, as I'm sure you treat your daughter. I'm not sure that your philosophy of "let sleeping dogs lie" and "a still tongue makes a wise head" is helpful to your situation. It is unacceptable behaviour from anyone, including our children.

Ingrid45, if your relationship with your daughter is otherwise okay, then I wouldn't worry too much over it. Did the post mention you specifically? It seems to be a trend on social media to post immediate feelings, without thought for the repercussions. I'm sure we are all guilty of thinking things which we wouldn't otherwise say out loud in the heat of the moment. There also seems to be a trend of posting vague messages which could relate to a number of people. If the post was vague, then I'm sure you're not the only person wondering if it was intended for them.

Nemosmum, ‘schema based CBT’ does ‘delve’. I am not a great fan of CBT as it often only helps in the short term anyway. It’s also worth noting that sadly, it can be very hit and miss who someone seeking help ends up seeing. A Counsellor is very different in training and knowledge base to a Clinical Psychologist. A Therapist may be a Clinical Psychologist, but they are more likely someone who has undertaken training (sometimes only a short course) in a specific therapy. They don’t have the knowledge base to work successfully with a client if that model of therapy isn’t working for them, and they don’t have the broad training in human behaviour and emotional experiences.

Been there Ingrid. I used to post on Mumsnet and, because we did full time child care for them, I was looking for some help with my DGC on a specific subject. One poster in the forum for children with the particular problem I was researching, had posted a rant about how her mother was unsupportive, uncaring, disinterested in the problems she felt her children had. When I unsuspectingly mentioned that I’d been looking for advice, and seen this, she said it was her and that was how she felt I was. The children were delivered and picked up by their father for almost a year and I shut My Mumsnet account. It was very hurtful, specially since we were still doing the childcare.

westerly, thanks for allowing me to comment. I don't think dragging out the old chestnuts of smacked bottoms and National Service helps. I had my bottom smacked regularly and it was physical abuse which accompanied all sorts of other abuse.
I think parenting is very tough and rules , boundaries and consistency are important. Its time consuming, lonely and boring .So very difficult to maintain when children and bombarded with messages that happiness is equated with material goods and social media pumps out this message .
The whole of one generation cannot be written off as disrespectful or nasty. There are good and bad in all ages.