Emotionally abusive??

How hurt you must feel.
This is one of the reasons that social media can be a very destructive thing.
Sometimes people who have problems and can’t cope with life find it easier to blame others, especially those who they see as strong and are close to. She probably doesn’t mean what she has said and it’s a great pity that she chose to use social media to hurt you. Did she know you would see it?
She sounds as though she has quite a few issues to deal with.
Maybe she feels guilty and angry with herself for depending on you such a lot.
Can you pretend you haven’t seen it, keep giving her support and make sure you aren’t ‘emotionally abusive’.
However you wanted to know what that phrase meant, I can only think that you may have made some suggestions to her that were not welcome even though they may have been well intentioned?

What a dreadful thing to write about you. It sounds as if she has severe mental health problems.

As I understand it, emotional abuse is behaviour which is used to gain power and control in a relationship.

It can include: insulting, criticising, threatening, gaslighting, ridiculing, shaming, intimidating, swearing, name-calling, stonewalling, lying, belittling and ignoring.

Are there things that you say which could make her think this? Based on what you have said in your post it could be things like:

"Why doesn't he get a job?" "
"Why are you working so hard just to pay for his gambling?"
"We have had to help you out so many times."

She may interpret all of this as criticism of a man she loves, intimating that she has made a poor choice.

Is she having counselling for her depression? A counsellor will be trying to get to the root cause of her illness but often people will avoid naming the real problem and some therapies will often look to blame parents.

I love her so much and I am so proud of what she has achieved. I feel as if my whole world is falling apart. We have always tried to accept her husband as the person she has chosen to be with. I think you are right Lilting Lyrics, some therapies seem to use blaming the parents as their default setting.

So have you thought about how you are going to deal with this?

Oh dear, this generation need a good dose of reality. It probably means you disagreed with her and said so Ingrid so that would have scarred her emotionally ?....and as for airing your (perceived) dirty linen in public, it’s out there fir all to see these days.

Bring back National Service I say...for both sexes, that’s equality.

Ingrid45. Going off topic a little. Many years ago now, my husband died young and I was struggling with bereavement. I didn’t want drugs. I wanted coping strategies and so I was sent for counselling. The first session was spent delving into my childhood, the therapist doggedly trying to unearth some non-existent historic trauma inflicted by my parents that would pinpoint why I wasn’t able to cope. I was upset at this approach, told her so and never went back.

However, if your daughter is in denial about how her partner’s gambling is impacting on her life then she will be searching for someone to else to blame. We all try to rationalise our behaviour. It can be hard to take personal responsibility for the difficulties in our own lives and all too easy to lay blame elsewhere.

Is this something you think you might be able to talk to her about? Are you a friend or a follower on whichever social media site she has posted this on? Can you mention it without risk of an accusation of trolling? The immediacy of social media has tripped up many people but comments can be deleted or at least redacted.

I wonder if it has even occurred to her that she is herself culpable of emotional abuse in this instance by saying what she has said about you in a public place and causing such distress.

I had CBT some years back as I was suffering with anxiety and OCD, I felt that the lady was always steering me to blame my parents for my personal problems!

If I said I felt a certain way, I was directed to bring up something from my childhood and aportion any blame on that experience and my parents.

At that time I had enough to deal with without adding being angry st my parents which I felt was unjustified.

Ingrid you say you read it inadvertently - did she post somewhere she didn't expect you to frequent, or did you see it on e.g. an iPad she left sitting around? I'm just wondering if maybe she meant you to see it?

She's depressed, and with good reason to be; with a unemployed gambler for a husband who being so much older than her she will have worked out she may well end up as a carer for him in her old age. I'd find that depressing .

I think LiltingLyrics is on the right track. You've said something, and rather than admit the truth of it to herself she's in denial and turns it around to being abusive. She is being emotionally abused, but by her partner. He's got her supporting him and his addiction to her detriment.

"DH and I have propped them up many times and I feel we have been very supportive."
Do you mean financially propped up? If so, I really think you should stop that. For as long as they can muddle through, his addiction will never be addressed. And in a way, it will be twisted round in her head to be part of your 'emotional abuse' - making her beholden to you, expected to be grateful blah blah blah.

Stop propping them up. Let them face a financial crisis, if that is what it will result in. Otherwise, what you're actually supporting is her continued entrapment in a relationship that is draining and depressing her.

Greenfinch just because someone says something untoward, you shouldn't immediately diagnose them with severe mental health problems.
I agree with Jinty to an extent, you are enabling the addiction to continue Ingrid time for a rethink. We always hurt those nearest and dearest to us when we are in difficulties, don't take this too much to heart.

I cannot believe that anyone in their right mind would make such a comment about their mother on social media for all to see. I did not diagnose anyone with anything .I said
that it seems to me....Surely the other reason would be spite or vindictiveness .It is the open forum I find difficult.I agree that we often lash out at loved ones but surely not on social media.

Ingrid - don't be tempted to read that rubbish any more.
I've heard of something similar in other families.
The trouble with social media is that a person can get caught up in a discussion and write things in the heat of the moment. without considering the consequences.
And like others I hate the blame culture that's so prevalent now. What happened to personal responsibility?

ps and I also hate the current fashion of giving everyone a meaningless psychological label.

Have you ever criticised her partner in front of her? I knew from day 1 that my ex was a hopeless mismatch (it was a rebound relationship), but it was my problem and I had to lie in the bed I'd chosen. Did not accept anyone else sticking in their oar, and would describe any such attempt as "emotional blackmail" or some equally meaningless phrase.

yes I think vast vague umbrella terms are used nowadays for issues that range from the mundane to the psychopathic. And some people will readily accept excuses....for their failures and situations. I think it muddies things rather than clarifies. But back to your personal predicament. That's horrid and only you can know if it can be breached directly. You could wait a bit if confronting now is not possible and say one day 'do you think I emotionally abuse you?' and see what she says and deal with it. As someone above says her actions could be labelled the same...just find out where and why she would use that term. In the meantime dont take it to heart. She obviously thought she was in a private/public anonymous space and is looking for sympathy.

I meant 'try not to take it to heart'. rather than the breezy 'dont take it to heart'!!!

Sounds a bit like “ blame transference” ... she maybe does not want to criticise her partner as she is under his spell ? Does not want to face up to reality ? but you have come into the firing line, an easy target. People who live with partners with major problems ( drink, drugs, gambling) strive to hide their unhappiness to others and are often in denial to enable them to cope with their lives. It takes a lot of strength to walk away from this scenario and start a new life. Personally I would have to have a calm chat about the comments as they are very hurtful. I would also think twice re any further “financial” support, as that enables the situation to continue if they both know they have a financial backer.

Been there, done that....!!! My daughter wrote on two different occasions saying I was crazy etc. Yes, it IS hurtful and I have never forgotten it! She's 'blocked' me now so that's solved that problem (not that I am on Facebook much - just to check on my gardening groups!!). Best not to
look ...!

I recently came across this article on emotional abuse. It gives an idea of what sorts of things are seen as emotional abuse by a parent.
www.bustle.com/p/11-signs-you-had-emotionally-abusive-parent-it-still-affects-you-now-63129

I'd want to know the reason for saying that, if I knew that one of my DC did say it.
Only you can know if asking your DD about it might clear the air, or cause further ill-feeling, but I hope you do manage to sort it out with her.

"It sounds as if she has severe mental health problems."

Good grief - based on what?

A mother's place is in the wrong. It always has been and always will be.

A couple of years ago DH and I were happily chatting when she suddenly stopped and said that she had felt really neglected by me in her teens and promptly listed, in a quiet unemotional voice all the things I hadn't done. She wouldn't let me respond and when she had finished resumed our previous conversation.

I was shell shocked. My memories of events were very different to hers. I kept quiet for a couple of days to recover and then discussed it with DH. He immediately contradicted several things she said, citing chapter and verse, his memories coincided with mine. I later discussed it with DS and he too had memories of things I had forgotten, which also contradicted what she said.

Fortunately I long ago realised that all of us have filters on our ears and what one person does and says will almost always be misheard and misinterpreted by the person to whom it is directed, especially if the recipient is a close family member. So I have just accepted what DD said as what she remembers through her set of filters - and of course my memories have gone through my filters! There is nothing I can do to change her views - or mine so I have just tucked into the back of my mind, until threads like this remind me.

So Ingrid, I can understand your shock and upset. But if this is how your DD's filters have interpreted your past actions, sadly, there is nothing you can do about it, except absorb the shock, do not dwell on her words and get on with your life.

I think we all need a friend who helps us face facts instead of a hug all the time . You have kindly taken on that difficult role . Maybe she doesn't like the truth only deep down she will know you are talking sense and time tell as she reflects . You are an honest friend . If she wants TLC there are plenty that will do just that . Don't feel hurt . You have supported her your way .

I have every sympathy with you Ingrid45 and I agree with others that it sounds as if there's a bit of transference going on there, rather than look at her own situation. Facebook can be so damaging!
Incidentally Belgravian CBT does NOT include examination of antecedents, but purely on modifying present thoughts and behaviour, so I think you had a duff therapist!

HurdyGurdy Well said. Good grief.

The general advice here seems to be to dismiss the daughter's comment as an act of self indulgence. That may be the answer but a bit of self analysis first would do no harm. How were siblings treated comparatively? How much criticism relative to encouragement? Was unhappiness or worry noticed. How well do you know her as an individual.

My father was emotionally abusive and it is not my imagination. His favourite saying was 'why can't you be like your sister' and I remember a childhood of spiteful comments and being sent to my bedroom at the slightest pretext. When I did well (for me) in a maths exam and ran home in excitement he said 'were you top of the class' when I said no he said 'so what are you pleased about, I bet your sister did better than that'. After that I didn't bother at school at all.

If after honest consideration, you cannot see anything that you have done, you could try asking her if she wants to go out for lunch and bring up the subject of something that you did together when she was a child and try to open up a conversation. You would have to be prepared to hear things that might be painful or that you don't agree with but it really is a choice as to what relationship you want or if you want one at all. I chose at the age of 19 not to keep in touch with my father although I did see him once after that which really just confirmed that I had made the right decision. Families don't have to stay in touch but if you do want to, I think you have to acknowledge her feelings.