What am I supposed to do?

Although almost every comment are quite right and quite rightly he should stand on his own two feet. Calling someone’s son a drunk and a scrounger and presumptuous of other traits doesn’t help anyone’s dilemma! Mum sounds a beautiful souled person who allows herself to be put upon but he’s her son. I’d stand for a lot with any of my children and not sure where i’d draw the line. I hope you can have that discussion and make him see he is upsetting you. The very best of luck.

OP you are so ready to find excuses for him and to reject helpful advice from realistic posters!
You are making token complaints but have no intention of changing things.
Your 'little boy' will continue to be just that as long as you choose to pander to him so stop kidding yourself and accept that you enjoy having him rely on you and just carry on as you have done.
I suggest that you are wasting our time and have no motivation to sort out your 'problem'!

I had one like this but worse as she had 4 children so I couldn't pull out. She died age 52. Her funeral is today. Grief or relief? I don't know.

Chinesecrested, I suspect that if you were expecting GNs to say "Oh poor you , how awful," then you are probably very disappointed. There is a lot of really good advice already posted.

The rather brutal truth is that you have supported and enabled a spongeing, dependent wastrel with a drinking problem. If you find him charming that's great but probably the rest of the world isn't going to see him that way. It's no surprise that his jobs don't last. I would suggest that you need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself what you gain from having a dependent 40 year old son or manchild as others have noted. Perhaps being needed, a defence against loneliness, a buffer in your relationship with your partner, affirmation, someone who really "loves" you? Provided you keep supporting and funding (directly or indirectly) his infantile behaviour of course. Things often turn rather nasty when the cosy co-dependency and financial support is withdrawn. There are many, many reasons for this scenario and only you can answer those questions.

If you really want some change (and I do wonder if you do) first he MUST pay reasonable and regular board and lodging to live at your home. How he earns that is up to him. He's 40 not a 10 year old.

If you are all happy with the situation, including your partner, then there is no current problem but the fact that you asked the question suggests that you are not all happy. Some pretty serious discussions need to happen, pretty soon. Consulting a counsellor maybe a good place to start. Good luck because it's not going to be easy. Pushing out someone who is comfortably ensconced in cosy corner is never pleasant.

It's one thing for an adult child to still live at home if they're working and paying their way but quite another to have one who doesn't seem to know how to manage his money or have any respect for the home he's living in or his mother. As has already been pointed out if he can afford to smoke and drink he really needs to get his priorities in order and stop depending on your handouts. Unfortunately much as you love him you are not helping him. Sit down with him and get him to do a proper budget with a view to getting his own place eventually and being self-sufficient. Loveable rouges at 40 will not be so loveable in their 50's or 60's!

You are enabling him to remain a CHILD -- which he, quite clearly, isn't - being 40 years old. Rather than feel guilty about not being able to help him more -- you need to think about what that help -- your help -- prevents him from becoming. He is a man -- not a teenager without any responsibility and it is quite possible (regardless of you being there or not) that he wakes in 20 years time and wonders what he has done with his life -- having nothing permanent or of value in it and having lived at home with his Mum for the best part of it. When you stop 'enabling' him to live his life this way -- he will have to grow up. That isn't you being 'hard' or 'turning your back on him' etc -- it is the normal way of life -- as parents,grandparents we have our children and raise them, so that they can make their way in the world independently -- you need to help him do this.

Horrible thought, but is your son waiting until you pop your clogs so he inherits a house?

What an absolute bunch of parahanas most of you are. The poor woman came on here to let off steam about her son and you all have so much presumption about it. I came on here thinking lovely people my own age etc. She wanted to vent not a lecture on what she should or shouldn’t be doing. It’s her son. Obviously people my age lack empathy. I hope you can talk to your son and sort it out. Also I’d find another website where there isn’t so many wonderful perfect people like I’m going to do. It’s vile on here. Enough to make anyone depressed!! Good luck chinesecrested.

klondykekate I don’t think anyone here has meant to be unsympathetic but it is frustrating to hear this poor woman’s situation, she asked what could be done and people have given their honest opinions and I would add most of these were also expressing concern for the sons long term out come if this is not sorted out.

klondykekate you do seem to be quite harsh with all the posters here. There is not a lot of point in commenting that this must be lovely for them all, what a good and positive arrangement, and how well the OP's son will flourish in this kind of environment and set up when it is so clearly destructive for the '40 year old child' and a worrying scenario for his mother. it seems that's why she is asking! I really don't think she was letting off steam in order to have her current living arrangements praised and vindicated - her opening sentence was 'I don't know if anyone can help'. We are all trying!

P.S. I think 'vile' is rather harsh too - and if you read many of the strings on Gransnet you will see that there are lots of people with different problems indicating that none of us are perfect.

Well I'm going to swim against the tide OP. I do accept what others are saying but it's so easy to tap away in the comfort of your own home. I'm not in the position of having a 40 year old living at home, but I know that if any of my sons wanted to come home I would agree in a heartbeat. Parenting is a life sentence and I think most of us worry about our kids whether they are 5 or 50 - the nature of the worries are different of course but the intensity isn't.

Thinking of the son getting his own place, that's not easy in this day and age. He would have to get a private rented place - I don't know where you live (hope it's not London) but the rents these landlords are allowed to charge is astronomical, and rents are high all over the country but particularly in London. He would need to pay a substantial deposit (usually 4 weeks rent) and often a further sum that is refunded at the end of the tenancy if the place has been kept well. Rents can be well in excess of £1000 per month for something reasonable and I think the cheapest he would get would be £500.

It doesn't sound like the son is going to be able to go don this route if he can't afford the diesel for his van because he spent too much on beer! SO I don't know OP - it's a tricky one. You are of course as everyone says enabling him to live like a feckless teenager but that's the sort of mom you are. My sister and bil also have a 40 ish man living with them. Their other 3 adult children have all done well, made their way in the world but not the last one who came many years after the others. He does work and cooks and does his own washing and ironing. He never borrows money but I have a suspicion that he doesn't pay any rent. My sister waits on him and when he comes hone from work sh jumps up to make him a coffee. They don't have much money and he always has the gas fire turned up very high and I doubt he pays towards bills but I doubt it. However I think he may have AS as he is rather "unusual" - has no friends but is quite personable in some ways. No idea what will happen to him when my sister and bil die, both just 80 but in good health.

Sorry OP this isn't any help I know - what will be will be!

I've been in a similar position, Finally DH and I realised we were not doing our 40 year old son any favours by letting him live practically rent-free, so we told him he would either need to move out or start paying rent, food and something towards our electricity and water bills. He left in a huff, but pulled himself together and is not fully self-supporting.

Frankly, I don't think you are being fair to your other son unless you are keeping careful track of the money you "lend" your son who is living with you and have stated in your will that these amounts are to be deducted from his inheritance.

Yes, our children are our children however old they are, but it is not your problem that a 40 year old cannot or does not support himself.

Ever heard the phrase "positive reinforcement of a negative behaviour pattern?"... because that's exactly what you're doing here, and until you shut up shop he's unlikely to either grow up or to adopt a more responsible attitude to life. Do you take any money from the young Prince for food and lodging? From what you've said, I guess not... and if that's the case more fool you. It sounds to me that he considers that most of the money that he earns is "beer coupons", and can't even save some cash with which to fuel his van. Do you "lend" him money to pay his car insurance too?... Sorry, but you are seriously being taken advantage of here, and you only have yourself to blame. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you really want him to grow up, stop enabling his childlike behaviour...

nananina I don’t think anyone has criticised chinesecrested for letting her son live at home originally! I too have had an adult DD live with me for a while when she needed help and would do the same for the other 2. The problem here is that he will not learn any self sufficiency and it’s not doing him any favours! What will happen to him when his mum is no longer around to bail him out? It’s not a kindness to enable someone to shirk the normal care for themselves that we all as adults have to face. He needs help to move out and in to his own place, I accept rents are high and he might have to cut his cloth eg move into a shared house, lots of people do, or take a smaller studio flat, and if he
Isn’t paying rent to the OP he should be able to save for that deposit you mentioned! especially if he doesn’t blow it on booze etc

My children are able to come any time they want and have had to move back with their families. Whilst we have been in a position to finance them a bit, we have always asked for rent whilst they stay. We don’t spend it, we put it by for them so they can afford the deposit on independent living, car replacement, etc. I am sure you mean to be kind but if you love your son and want the best for him, you do need to change your support from financial to assisting him to stand on his own 2 feet. I suspect that his alcohol consumption anaesthetises his problems but is also a major source of them. He really needs you to say ‘no more’ and then get him the help he needs to take back control of his life. Any less will be doing him a disservice. Good luck.

He sounds just like my ex, a lovely guy but really married to the pub. Ex is now in his 60's as am I, & our marriage was 36yrs ago and ended as soon as I grew up and looked after our child & I realised he wasn't going to change. Ex now has 2 kids, his 2nd wife died, but he is still always at the pub and the kids were bought up in this atmosphere. I would do everything to get him a flat, see him right in it, make it clear the 'loans' end but he's welcome for dinner & let him sort himself out. Otherwise if you're ever not around he'd be stuck. He probably won't like it, but it should be the making of him and reassuring for you, cos he'll learn to cope alone.

mgtanne71 - very sorry to hear of your loss, sad no matter what the circumstances. Perhaps a lot of grief and a little, in the time to come, relief? ?

Yes mgtann71 I am very sorry for your loss. We are all flawed human beings. I hope in time you can have happy memories of your DD and forgive her her faults. Take care of yourself.

Reading your first post and then your subsequent replies it seems this situation has been ongoing for a long time. Has rented on his own, stayed with friends, on and off with his wife, and back again to you. You can"t force change in other people but you and your partner can change the way you deal with this situation. You will have to be confrontational if you want changes. This is your house and you are entitled to have certain rules and expect them to be followed. He is completely disrespecting your wishes by smoking indoors! Tell him to smoke outside ...or perhaps he could quit ..lots of help to stop nowadays. Under this Jack the Lad" image I think there is an unhappy man, possible because of his marriage break up and all the associated problems this must have brought. However you are not doing him any favours letting him carry on in this way. There has to be some ground rules or nothing will change. Are any of his friends single? Any chance of him renting with any of them and sharing costs. I hope you can come to some sort of solution before too long.

I think some of the posters are a bit harsh. It is very difficult to kick out your children and, because it's home, some do feel they can do what they want and ignore Mum's rules.
I had 2 DS at home until last year, one was a worker but the other a bit like yours. Eventually, I just had enough and told him to go. He was sofa surfing for some time but has now got a flat and seems to be settled. The worker also left to set up home with his girlfriend and it's great having my house to myself.
Could you pay a deposit on a room to get him out? If he can't pay the rent, he will have to deal with the consequences.

GrandmaMoira of course no-one finds it easy to 'kick out' their children - but we're talking about a 40-year-old man here! If he can't stand on his own 2 feet now, when will he ever be able to?

Was his drinking a factor in the end of his marriage?

I know you say he does not have a serious problem, but he is now forty. The liver's capacity to heal itself declines with age. Please have a long think about whether his lifestyle is enabling him to drink too often and too much. The last thing he needs is a health problem.

does your OH like having a blokey mate around? Our son came out of a three year relationship ( she was sleeping with someone else) and moved home..with a baby girl in tow .They stayed for 8 years and that baby girl is now 9 and still lives here part of the week.She could stay at her dads but she thinks of this as home and until she's happy to be full time with dad and his new partneer her home it will be .My OH really missed him when he left ,they would sit up until silly oclock watching motor racing and talking .He still visits ,drops in most days on his way home but his dad still misses him more than a year down the line.If your OH is happy for him to be there and apart from a few niggles you are too ,I'd ignore a lot of the throw him out and make him grow up stuff on here.We all live our lives differently .You must do what feels right for you ...even if it means a 40 something flatmate .