What am I supposed to do?

You have my sympathies Chinesecrested. These sitations creep up on parents without us noticing how dependent and badly our kids are behaving. Perhaps you and your OH need to talk and make a plan. Decide what needs to change and list the problems. Then work gradually to help him achieve the goals. See it as a work in progress. Things won't improve overnight but hopefully month by month they will do. Good luck! It is so hard being a parent!

I feel for you with this one as our close friends had the same issue, except their late thirty something son went 'freelance' which involved getting up around lunchtime to sit hunched over the computer playing games and occasionally doing the odd bit of actual work. I have to say they are the nicest family and son is amiable and totally laid back. In the end the parents paid for his accommodation and he moved out. OK maybe that wasnt ideal, but it did mean he had to manage utilities, food, cleaning, laundry and life in general by himself and they knew he had a secure roof over his head. He was local so he had a standing invitation to Sunday lunch and therefore couldnt starve. No loans or other financial assistance.

You are encouraging his behaviour by having him live at home. give him three months notice to quit and don't lend him any money.This guy needs teaching a lesson. Your responsibilities to him are not endless. How do you think your other sons feels that you are subsidising this wastrels way of life?

"Not being one for confrontation......" Oh dear, Chinacrested, this says it all! The Gransnetters posting here have offered good advice. Time for some tough love.

Sorry, that should be "Chinesecrested".

The more you pander to him the more he will take advantage. Stop treating him like a ten year old.

Chinesecrested. If you want your son to grow up and become more responsible then wouldn't you want him not to treat any future wife the same way as he is treating you? He should respect you, your no smoking policy and he should budget properly, prioritising his fuel costs as having fuel enables him to work rather than lie that he is sick. Do you really think any future wife of your son should be treated with such disrespect and be expected to put up with him? What if they had a child and he still behaved the same way and squandered money on things which then ensure he has to take off sickies rather than work (or maybe he assumes that Nana Chinesecrested would step in and help financially)? Please stand up to his behaviour rather than continually enabling it. He is only getting away with it because you (and your partner) let him. Put up a united front with your partner and put your foot down. He should learn that being an adult means responsibilities (such as paying a decent rent, prioritising work, etc.) Your son should treat you and your partner to dinner in a restaurant now and again (to realise that all take and little give does not make a mature adult and) to thank you for all you have done for him.

Its very late in the day but do try to follow the great advice here. Guess it will be a huge shock to him but you will be doing him a favour in the end.

I say this purely thinking in psychological terms, you have shaped this behaviour in him by tolerating it, and you are maintaining it. I recognise that your other son isn’t this way, but this still applies. You can’t change his behaviour, you can only change your own. He will then have to respond and you will have change.

You seem to kind and giving. Unfortunately your son doesn't seem to have much respect for you, your partner or your home. Give him a deadline to get sorted because the more you give the more he will want. He needs to stand on his own 2 feet. Hope you get to sort your problem out. Respect to you

I would worry that he is not giving you the privacy yoh deserve with you partner and this may cause problems within your relationship, as you said you both own the home and I’m sure he’s not happy with the situation.
He needs to grow and stop draining you emotionally and financially.
Selfish son

Ops ... Grow up I meant

No more lending money. It is totally irresponsible for him to spend all his money on drinking so that he can’t get to work. As it will only make things worse if he loses his job, if he runs out of petrol you could go with him and pay to put a few gallons - not a tankfull - in his vehicle, to be repaid on payday. Otherwise no lending at all. .

Similar situation here, but I like having my son around now I'm on my own. I don't feel I'm looking after him - he can be good company and I feel safe in an area where crime is rising. He does odd jobs around the house (my late OH was no good at DIY!) and a share of the housework. He has his part of the house and I have mine. He pays for some things in the house, and all his own petrol, food, beer etc. He works a 40 hour week and then chills out at weekends. My other 2 sons don't like it and think he is a scrounger but I have given them a lot of money towards their houses over the years, so I think it's fair. He does his own washing and cooking, and clears up his beer cans! Sometimes I feel I would like to have the house to myself, but then I might be lonely. I know a lot of other people who are in the same situation whose sons have just not found the right person to "settle down" with, or don't want to live on their own - or can't afford it. You have to do what suits you and your life chinesecrested, don't worry about what other people think.

Chinesecrested are you one of those very needy people who need to feel needed to feel worthwhile? If you indignantly object to my description then prove you are not by setting firm boundaries for your manchild son and push him on to an independent and fulfilling life of his own.

I wonder Chinesecrested, whether the solution I found for a personal situation might help you. I had to give a difficult decision to a friend and I didn't know how to do this. I went to Relate, the guidance people. They help not just couples but anyone who needs relationship guidance. The woman who 'guided' me was just great. We talked round the situation, she asked difficult questions but she helped me confront the problem of how to talk about my problem with the other person. I followed her guidance having been giving the strength and a path to follow and it provided me with the courage to talk over our/my problem. It solved my problem and the same help may solve yours. Your son also has problems managing his life, but he has to find guidance to work through these and achieve a solution. It won't be easy for him either, he may need help, but it has to come from outside. There are organisations that help people with debts or (potential money problems) to manage their lives. If you do go to Relate they will know about these organisations. Good luck on your journey.

What does your partner have to say about this? He can't be too happy with the situation.

If you don't want smoking in the house then don't have it - he can stop smoking or he can stand outside. I can't see how anyone who can smoke at around £9 plus for twenty cigarettes can then plead poverty. If he smokes one pack a day that is £63 a week (net!) so why are you paying for his petrol? And that little indulgence of course isn't including the drinking which is around £3 pounds plus for a pint. It's easy to say these things when he is your son, you love him, he is agreeable and it feels so mean to crack down, but as others have said he is having a very easy life and you are indulging him. I speak as one who tries to smooth the financial path at difficult times for children and grandchildren as much as I can, but I really do feel this is too much because he will never achieve independent living, and that is not being kind to him. You have helped him over a patch in life - perhaps it's now time to toughen up and for him to move on.

£20 in diesel will probably get him 200 - 300 miles so I guess you didn't offer enough to fund whatever else he intended to do.
While it's fun to have 'jack-the-lad' in his teens this must be wearing a bit thin. He's self employed yet has to phone in sick? Strikes me first that he needs a proper job, but of course that would tie him down and living the life of a man-child is much less demanding. I also guess that you like having him around so encourage and tolerate his behaviour. Take some notes of the excellent advice here and get him to take charge of his own life and cut those apron strings. Sofa surfing will wear thin after a while.

It's totally your own fault for pandering to him.
No sympathy from me.

jenpax
I'm astonished that you suggest he might investigate if there are any benefits he might access.
Benefits indeed!
40 years old and not saved a penny, drinking and smoking and living rent and bills free... yet you think he might access benefits paid for by my (and other people's) children who work hard.
Unbelievable!
He's not disabled in any way, medically or physically if he occasionally does the jobs mentioned.
His mother is facilitating his lifestyle and doesn't really want to stop it, using the fact that he's her son to keep him like a 10 year old 'card' and enjoying it.
That's the unvarnished truth.

Honestly wonder why people come on these boards asking for advice when they have absolutely no intention of taking any of the advice and changing things.

People have given advice about budgeting, telling him he has change his ways etc but OPs response reading between the lines is “oh, my partner is just as lax about it as me, and I don’t really want to challenge son or change anything in case it upsets him”

So, next month he’ll do the same and OP will wonder what she can do about the situation and the cycle will continue....

Have you heard of codependence?

My point GabriellaG is that he might be holding back on moving out because he thinks he can’t afford it! This may not be the case.
Not all benefits are paid to the sick or disabled but things like tax credits and universal credit are intended to help people on low incomes make ends meet.
I agree he probably needs to budget better but that doesn’t mean his income is high, he may still qualify for a bit of help to top up his income.
As a self employed person he can off set out goings against tax, so he needs to make sure he is doing this.
I am a tax payer and personally have no problem with my tax going towards helping those on low incomes

Hmmm , drinks too much and smokes, but liked by his friends. I think this young man does have a drink problem and is probably in a low place exacerbated by his marriage break up. And his mother is colluding with it.
A bit harsh but I think he needs to see his gp for advice.
Think you need to chip away at this problem.
1, no more loans . Make it clear he has to pay his way.