What am I supposed to do?

This sounds appalling, Chinesecrested! I can't help but think you're perpetuating his irresponsibility as he is still living like a feckless teenager! My advice would be to set a deadline with plenty of notice, by which he has to have moved out and live on his earnings.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion. He is a middle aged man and needs to act like an adult, at the moment he is living the life of a teenager. I presume that he is not paying any board and hope that you are not also doing his washing and cooking etc ? in all honestly there is a difference between help and support and enabling,in this case you are enabling him to lead a life without any responsibility.
It is worrying if without any dependents he is running out of money and borrowing from you.
As you say you may not always be around to help and what then? Better he starts to stand on his own feet now.
I understand you don’t want to see him homeless, but can’t you help him draw up a plan with a budget to allow him to save up to move into his own place?
There is a useful budgeting tool on the money service web site if that would help? If he is on a low income get him to check any benefit help he might be able to receive, so he can afford to live independently. Turn2us has a good benefit calculator to check

Believe me chinesecrested he won’t be sleeping under any bridges, he’ll get his finger out and act like a man, about time too.
You treat him like a child and surprise! He’s continuing to act like one.

Time to let him stand on his two 40 yr old feet. Trust me you’ll be doing you all a favour.

I don't see why a 40 year old without any dependants can't live a life of Riley, (lucky sod!)
You shouldn't be financing him or running around picking up after him though.

So. A forty year old who dosses at his mother's house, smokes although it is forbidden, drinks his money away to the extent he can't afford to go to work, sponges off his mother, and when she won't sub him, calls in sick.

You feel guilty, and so you should.

By tolerating this behaviour you have encouraged him to develop the persona of a lovable rogue, whereas in reality he is a feckless spendthrift, a scrounger and probably a drunk.
The answer is quite simple.
Boot him out, as presumably his wife did.

Time for you to have the talk. Tell him you are not in a position to support him, he has to stand on his own two feet. Tell him you will no longer lend him any money so he has to learn to budget. You don't say if he is paying you anything for his keep, if not, then he has to start. What does your partner think of all this?

I think you need to sort out some grounds rules and stick to them. If you don't like him smoking in the house, make him go outside and don't turn a blind eye.

If he wants to drink and party like a teenager that's fine but not if he can't afford it and has to "borrow" from you. Did he still get paid when he phoned in "sick"?

It's time he took some responsibility for his actions and grew up

It is hard because you have all slipped into this pattern of behaving and you know the longer it goes on the worse it will get. I don't want to sound harsh but I look after an 11 year old and we are teaching him to budget his pocket money so when he gets older he will have that skill. If he wants to buy something we discuss how much he could put aside each week until he will have enough. We could easily buy it for him but then he would not learn. I would start by charging more for him to live with you, enough to cover all of his costs. I would make it clear he needs to put money back each time he is paid to pay for fuel later in month.as there will be no more loans. I would ask that previous loans be repaid and I most definitely would not allow smoking in my house. I would make it crystal clear if he smoked one more time in the house he would have to leave. It is called tough love, training him to cope on his own because you won't be around forever and the older he gets the harder it will be to change. Also giving money to this son without it being repaid is unfair to your other son who you can be proud of.

I have 2 adult sons living at home with me still. However they fully pay their own way, do their own laundry, cook some meals including for all of the family and will do jobs such as put out the bin, unload the car after shopping trip, load the dishwasher, steam mop kitchen floor and take 11 year old to cinema or babysit him if we go out in the evening. I do occasionally loan either of them money for emergencies e.g. engine blown on car and BER however they used their own savings first and I just loaned enough to make up the difference and it was repaid very quickly. You must be firm for his own good.

I think you have been overindulgent with him Chinesecrested and that really does him no favoursas you have made a pretty spoilt boy who won’t be attractive for very long to any ladies he comes in contact with
Set up some new rules
Paying a reasonable rent
Doing his own washing and also some cooking
Reinforce the smoking outside rule
Set him up a budget
I really thought you were talking about a spoilt 18/19 year old

You mention your partner in the OP, but not how he feels about your sponging son. It's hardly fair on him as the other resident in the house that this cuckoo is still staying on in the nest.

I have told him to leave on many occasions over the years, and he's gone and stayed with friends, rented on his own, lived with the wife off and on. He's itinerant I suppose. And yes, if he was 18/19 years old, it wouldn't be so much of a problem. Eezybee it's not so easy! They remain our children however old they get. You don't love and nurture a child, feed and clothe it, just to abandon it when it gets to a certain age. My partner just rolls his eyes (he does like ds and he's probably even softer than I am!)

No one is suggesting you abandon your child Chinesecrested but don't you think its time you stopped facilitating the behaviour that you bemoan?

He does all this because he can- because you let him.

And lets be honest , it might be the easy way but you're doing him no favours. He's a grown man , time he acted like one.

I think at the age of 40, talk of abandonment is a bit daft, but I don't see what he's doing that's so wrong, apart from flouting some 'rules' which you don't enforce.
If you're all fairly happy with things as they are, then there isn't an issue.

chinesecrested 12 posts on here answering your question of ‘What am I supposed to do’ but it sounds as though you were actually saying,” well, what can you do? “

Which means that you probably enjoy looking after your 40 yr old ‘child’ so, if it pleases you and your OH is also happy and your 40 yr old child is happy then what’s the problem?

Not 'abandonment' - tough love!
You are doing him and yourself no favours. I noticed you avoided the question of whether he does anything for himself - laundry, shopping, cooking!
Baby birds don't learn to fly until mum nudges them out of the nest!

MissA sorry it took me so long to type my post (plus I got a coffee) that I didn’t scroll back up to see that you had also posted !

Chinesecrested you ask what will happen when you are no longer around. My mother died when we three children were all in our early forties, and to my amazement, my 43 year old brother, finally grew up.

Also, if he has prioritised beer money over petrol, he has a problem ...

He doesn't really pay any rent, mainly because no job seems to last long enough for him to have spare cash (being self employed you have to have a van, diesel, insurance, tax etc.) Without those things, you can't work anyway. I don't cook for him or do his washing although I do clear out the beer cans!

So if he called in sick because he had no money for diesel how and where did he finally get the money?

Can't help but feel that you're doing your son no favours Chinesecrested. You're enabling an adult male to live like Kevin and Perry; no responsibilities; no planning for the future, just staggering from one day to the next. And you're helping him to do that. It would be fine if he was able to self fund his dissolute life style, but he can't; you pay for it. Could it be that you secretly want him to stay and be dependent on you? I can't think of any other reason why you would be letting this man child continue to live like this.

What do you anticipate will happen to him once you are no longer around? Not a nice thought but it has to be faced? If he can’t stand on his own financially now he is unlikely to learn over night! Do you not think it would be a kinder thing to force him to deal with these issues now with your help than later alone? You state he is self employed, is he running his business well? It doesn’t sound like he makes provision for the lean periods (putting money by rather than blowing it on beer!) is he claiming all benefits and tax allowances? Maybe he needs to think about becoming an employee instead so as to have a stable income?

The harsh reality is that you are enabling him to be selfish and not to face up to being a responsible adult. He is showing you no love and respect and he is allowed to get away with it. He knows if he does not work he will still have a home, food etc so he has no incentive to stand on his own feet. He should not be drinking at all, he should be paying his way before anything else. All our kids have a unique way of tugging on our heart strings, but as others have said, it’s tough love he needs now for both your sakes. Deadlines and ultimatums are needed, kindly but assertively ... good luck

Of course, you love your son but he’s got you over a barrel hasn’t he! And I don’t think you’re alone in this sort of situation. I despair of how society has somehow been accepting of people just not growing up...as if it’s a dreadful thing. It didn’t happen so much ‘in our day’, as they say!?It actually isn’t a laughing matter though is it...and I suspect your tolerance may be linked to the feeling that you’ve never done enough for him and your parental responsibilities in this way, are endless. This generation do seem to think that they can ‘have it all’ and you might have to be cruel to be kind. If he’s going to have any kind of meaningful, happy, purposeful, life, he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. And that is what as his mother, is down to you, to convey to him...over and over...if necessary.