What am I supposed to do?

Agree with Chewbacca here. You are enabling this to happen.

Offer to pay 1/2 the rent for a room (shared house/apartment) for three months to get him started on his new life.
Give him a deadline for moving out.
Change your locks that day and do not give him keys.
He may visit as all other family.
Think about what you were doing at that age. If you stop making him dependent, he no longer will be.
Time for you to reclaim your life.

Hear Hear MOnica, however the OP will not change a thing re this son. We all know this and we are wasting our time giving advice. These kinds of mothers will never see what they are doing wrong, it suits them to have these adult "babies" still living at home.
My own mother had a son like this, charming and likeable, never had to worry about paying for anything, mum always came through.
When he found a sugar daddy he was gone without a second glance, at least until mum was dying and then he took over.
Makes the other children very angry.

They remain our children however old they get. You don't love and nurture a child, feed and clothe it, just to abandon it when it gets to a certain age

No chinacrested, you have got it all wrong. A parent is responsible for ensuring by loving nurture a child that when adulthood is reached is capable of standing on their own two feet and making their own way in the world without constantly running to hide under mother's apron. If a child cannot do that then the parent has failed their child. Most children going through childhood are encouraged by their parents to take little baby steps to independence so that sometime between 20 and 30 they are ready to fly the nest. You are now lumbered with a great big cuckoo in your nest and you need to get him out and independent.

The first thing to do is to enforce the rules you already have and stop lending him money. You know very well, he will never repay it. Then tell him that he needs to be self supporting and give him, say 9 months to get his money in order and organise a home of his own. The moment he leaves home change the locks and do NOT give him a key. If he refuses to go, change the locks one day when he is out. Tell him each day when you will ebe able to let him in or out, and lock up for the night at 10.00.

Your blind unconditional love for your son has turned him into a irresponsible selfish self-centred man that no sensible woman would touch with a barge pole. Was that your intention? If you really love him, you will now belatedly, treat him in a way that makes him grow up and take responsibility for his life.

Well you know perfectly well what you should do - burn his cigarettes or drop them down the toilet, enforce a rent payment and if he doesnt like it he can sleep in the van, he wont be sleeping under a bridge will he.

You've raised a spoilt leech and you are happy with that. I guess you'll leave him your house so he can have somewhere to live and he'll drink himself into liver failure with the proceeds and try to leech off his brother instead.
So you are driving a wedge between your children too.

Force him to grow up now while you can still be there in a real emergency.

Chinesecrested the only way he will learn at this point, is for you to tell him you are not giving him money and he will have to pay his way from now. And stick to it.

I sadly had to tell my DS at aged 27 that he would get no more money. Within a year he was in full time work, well paid and has remained so.

Unconditional love also means preparing our children for the world, responsibility and all that implies. Hardly any woman in her right mind will take on a man child either, so by being firm we are helping them towards marriage love and their own home.

In my professional life working in aged care I came across many of these middle aged "men" who had been supported, indulged, waited on and cosseted by their mothers. Interestingly the adult children like this always seem to be male. Women who continue to live with elderly parents generally take on the role of the care provider rather than the recipient of care.

Eventually and inevitably the mother becomes older, frailer, perhaps confused and dies. What is left behind is a very unappealing middle aged or elderly male with no life skills, poor social skills and frequently a major alcohol problem who becomes a burden on everyone around them. These men are past being able or motivated to learn new life and personal skills and often have alcohol related brain damage and other health issues.

In the OPs case the sponging son will almost certainly become a burden and a worry to his hard working brother. Others become a burden on their local community, their neighbours, the health care system and the state.

Those misguided mothers who think they are showing their sons "love" are complicit in producing these social disasters and need to think about the poisonous legacy they are leaving other family members and their society.

You say he has plumbing skills, huge demand for those, sounds like he could be lazy too.
He will never grow up with all the support but then again, some guys today never seem to mature. No idea why so many guys want a soft option and no responsibility today. I have seen it in my own family, makes me feel really cross as I had to struggle and work hard to buy a home, but I was determined to do it.

This reminds me of a friend of mine, her 45 year old son lives, rent free, in a flat she had bought to rent out and provide her with an income in her retirement (she has no private pension), she regular goes into the flat to clean, fill the fridge and does all his washing and ironing. She also "batch" cooks and fills the freezer. He doesn't work as he finds it "too stressful"!!

She is in her 70s and not in the best of health. She visited me a couple of weeks ago and was worried about what will happen to him when she is no longer able to look after him. I told her she should stop cleaning, stop filling the fridge and stop doing his washing. As she has very little money I said she should tell him he has to start paying rent or he will have to move out as she needs the income.

She says she can't do that, so things will continue as they are and I will continue to be a shoulder for her to cry on.

He drinks 4 cans A DAY (not including what he drinks when he goes out), and you don't think he has a problem????

Oh yes, he does. Wake up OP. Wake up before you find yourself arranging his funeral.

Your question is "what are you supposed to do?" and you say he drives you to distraction. You know what you should do.

I know very well what (some) single sons can be like. If you let them, they will happily sit there, and be waited on, and let you look after them, like you always have.

You have already thought, what happens when I'm not here? You don't take any action as that's the easiest route.

But it's not the best thing for him, in the long run. You are his Mum, you should be helping him get independent now. If you start now to cut the apron strings a bit, you're still around for guidance and no doubt the odd cash handout still.

It's up to you. The alternative is, 20 years down the line or whenever, he is suddenly alone in his 60s and rather useless in all ways. He could end up on the streets. There are lots of ways you can help him now. Do it for him.

If you don’t like confrontation you could tell him that smoking and drinking whilst you are babysitting your GS is not on and is risking the child’s health and well being.

Which it is.

I am sure most have been said. Your son has leant skills and uses them to get his own way. It is all a bit of a joke to him and everyone enjoys his company and he will push whilst he can get away with it. He knows he doesn't have to give the money back. You enjoy his company, even your OH just rolls his eyes but likes him. The problem is you don't know how to smilingly tell him to get lost when he asks for money or throw his cigarettes out and leave his beer cans to fill his bedroom. In some ways he enjoys the arguments and getting away with things and feels he is very clever. Take away his fun.

I would make sure his physical health is taken into consideration is lungs and liver. Ask your GP to invite him for a health check ? Then think about his mental health. Very often a drink problem is hiding a mental illness, depression etc..

Yes, I think there is some real denial about the drink problem. The 4 cans of beer a day is just the start. How much does he drink at the pub? Etc
And people who are alcoholics are often very friendly gregarious people,
And he smokes so he will be in a coronary care unit soon.
Please wake up and start to tackle this situation.
Please talk to your OH about it.

Sorry, I made a mistake there, I think you meant you do babysitting for the other son not the 40 year old? And that it was this son you paid £1200 for his car bill? If that’s the case, apologies there.
Even taking this into account, I still think your 40 year old needs some tough love. He’s taking serious advantage of you.

If you are putting the purchase of alcohol before the paying of your bills, you have a ‘drink’ problem. If you cannot work because you have spent the money on drink, you have a problem. If his relationship with his wife failed because he couldn’t afford to pay his way but still managed to buy alcohol, you have a problem. You may not be an alcoholic but you could well be slipping towards it and you definitely have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Just read any of the NHS leaflets and you will see they say the same.

Mapleleaf I think there is some confusion? I understood the reference to baby sitting and the £1200 car repair to refer to the other son not the one living with her and it seemed to be made in response to questions people had asked as to whether he minded his brother being treated this way

I’ve just read your latest post. Are you for real? You don’t think drinking 4 beers a day is a problem? (How much it costs per day is a secondary problem to its effect on his health).

You don’t think paying his car bill of £1200 is a problem?

You do loads of babysitting for him? How convenient for him!! (What does the children’s mother think about this - I suppose you are doing this when he has his turn with the children)?

I’m afraid the more I read, the more exasperated I feel - with YOU!!

When you are calling in sick when you are self employed, who are you calling in sick to?
I’m sorry, but this 40 year old needs to take responsibility for his own life and stop filching off his elderly parents.
He has lived an independent life in the past, as the OP says, having being married, so if he could do it once, he can do it again.
However, I’m not totally convinced that the OP wants her son to live an independent life. I’m wondering who is the most needy here?
If you really want the best for him, OP, then some tough love is long overdue, from you and your partner. Take note of what has already been advised to you on this thread.

Why don't you do as Barmeyoldbat's mum did and divide all the bill's and get him to share in paying the expenses? You could always save it if you don't want the money and when he moves out you could divide it between your two sons as a gift. At least that way it will help you feel better about it, help your elder son to learn about paying his way and help the younger son to feel he is also benefiting.
If you care about elder son's health stop him drinking such a huge amount! If you don't he will need you to look after him permanently!

Calling in sick when you are self employed means you are letting a client down which is irresponsible and not the way to get a good business reputation and therefore ability to pay your way. This isn't love you are still pretending he is a "child" and enabling him to continue this behaviour. Imy sorry if this founds hard but you are the person at fault in this situation. I have 2 kids one at 27 is running his own business has bought a house and has child and wife. My youngest is still at home (early 20s) working, clothes and feeds them self runs a car and pays rent. We think they are a tad mad spending so much on clothes etc but as long as bills paid etc their spare cash is theirs and they save. My jobrother ad a parent imo is to give my kids the wherewithal to grow up, leave the nest and be self sufficient ADULTS bit perhaps I'm wrong

CC, a four pack a day is eight units a day. Fifty six units a week. Plus anything else he might drink when he is out with friends etc.

NHS recommendation is for men not to drink more than 14 units a week. He's drinking more than four times that amount.

Thanks for your comments everyone. Just to clear up a few points, I don't think that ds2 has a problem, as he's doing well and I'm proud of him. I do loads of babysitting for his two small children, and I paid for £1200 for his car repairs recently as he needs his car for work an hour's drive away. He can't complain really. The Manchild's drink consists of a 4 pack of beer every day - not a serious problem (is it?). Not being a drinker maybe I can't judge (how much in cash? £5 per day? I don't know...) Our house has an annexe where ds's good mate lives (and pays rent!) so he spends most of his time there and doesn't get under our feet too much. We aren't rich by any means, but we're lucky enough to be ok. The real issue is I'm worried for his future, and would like to think he can take responsibility and look after himself - rent, council tax, utilities, fuel, food and leisure - in that order! It's not difficult; he just doesn't seem to think it's important. Maybe we'll just have to move out of the area!

The first thing I would do is stop him smoking in the house. Why should you have to passive smoke because be is selfish? He should stand outside if he wants to smoke. He should not even be buying cigarettes if he does not contribute to household expenditure. You really need to make a start on making him change his ways. It is not fair on his brother. Tough love needed.

My mother had my sister living at home, just the same as you. She decided enough was enough and told my sister that in future all bills, council tax, phone etc would be divided 3 ways as 3 people lived in the house. Within 6 weeks she had moved out, too expensive to live at home. And as for no no smoking you need to tighten up on it and really enforce it as it is bad for your health. My husband use to take the packet of cigarettes if he caught my daughter smoking inside and throw them as far as he could out of the back door! You need to toughen up.