HOW YOU LIFE CAN CHANGE IN A MATTER OF HOURS

My MIL expressed an opinion on every part of our lives. DH used to bark at her and tell her to keep out of our affairs so there was no need for me to do it, then everyone carried on as before, MIL took it in her stride and so did we, but her opinion was never actively sought. My own mother would pick up her teacup and go into the other room if matters she considered private were being discussed taking the GC with her. My father would only venture an opinion if he was asked for it, prefacing his comments with "well of course you know your own business best, but as you've asked me...". and then not questioning the decision we made. Which is how I've played it with my children. Anya has the right idea, in my opinion, although, of course, "you know your own business best"!

Things I have posted previously have not come through hence the cake trial. Hurrah tidyskatemum I believe all of us live in fear of DL s and they’re power over us with the grandchildren over any misdemeanours. It’s the new generation and it’s called the secret epidemic. There are very good helpful books out there. One thing I was tol off for was buying my grandaughter of 3 a pink bubble gun which played music and bubbles came out when the trigger was pulled. Apparently I was encouraging her to get into guns. After years of walking on egg shells I moved. We have had no contact for 14 years. I have know many grandmothers in the same position and can honestly say they were not to blame. Good luck. I gave up being a doormat.

Hello Travelsofar, I went through a similar situation with my son and his now ex-partner. It felt as though someone had died. I had no idea how to go about a reconciliation until I read a book by a psychotherapist which said to let little drops of love fall every so often, as in a text or whatever to express love, and to ask for absolutely nothing from them, no request for contact etc and let time take care of it in letting heated feelings subside. Then when things have calmed down you could apologise, if you think that is necessary, and then ask explanations for the whys and wherefores to find out the root of the problem. Good luck with it, I wish you all the best. Much love.

I think writing is a good idea & apologising but not grovelling. I would suggest you say you did not mean what you said to sound like a criticism & it just came out badly.
I agree that you are probably doing them a big favour ( OK- I know you love doing it too) by having the children over half term if they are working so get in quickly before they make alternative arrangements.
By now they have probably calmed down but you are left feeling raw- I really do feel for you, I would be very upset too. We all say things that are taken badly at times it's just human nature. Say a brief but sincere sorry & put in down to experience & remember never to give an unasked for opinion again- I never do although sometimes I would like to. It's their life after all & we all learn by our mistakes.
Good luck & do let us know what happens please.

It seems to me that either you hit a nerve or, maybe, you offered your opinion/judgement once too often. Either way, a period of quiet reflection being totally honest with yourself about how you might come across and/or whether you think they might have more problems than they are letting you know before a heart felt apology that you have upset them. If you DIL thinks you have never liked her, there must be something that makes her think that, even if it is just miscommunication. I have managed to give that impression to one of my DIL's in the past so I wrote to her all the reasons I did like her and apologised for anything I might have done to give her the opposite impression. We agreed to talk about problems in future so they could be addressed without festering.

Anya, I agree with you. It's not too full on, just quick and easy.

Sounds to me like the DiL has never really liked you and is using this as an excuse to cut you out of their lives as she has been so spiteful and your son is just weak. Stop relying on your family so much for your meaning to life, don't apologise or they will just walk all over you in the future and get straight to a solicitor and cut them out of your will in favour of any grandchildren unless they are teenagers and behaving likewise. If you can't comment about their finances then they can't say anything about your financial decisions either. I am sick and tired of suggestions that us grans should bow down to our children's disrespectful manner.

travelsafar
You are not alone as your situation is no doubt happening everywhere.Myself included.It has been 7 long years, for me, wondering where is my eldest child. Why did a small disagreement over the phone have to result in her stopping all communication with me.You claim your dil has never liked you ?So was she looking for an excuse to shut you off from your son and granddaughter which is sad as your grand daughter will be confused as to why she will not be visiting you or have you crossed swords before? Do you personally know they are getting in debt by going on holiday? We mums have our families welfare at heart but at times we have to hold back and let them live their lives as they wish. How ever for dil to take it out on your grand daughter is way out of order. A short letter to your son expressing your concerns that his wife should react in this way, yes do say sorry it has come to this, and can you start again.? No matter what we would like to say or do, on many occasions, have to hold back.

You claim your dil has never liked you ? travelsafar hasn't said that.

I agree with the comments relating to how much we 'older people' have to walk on eggshells with our offspring. It's unbelievable! My daughter no longer talks to me because I bought my grand-daughter a coat!!!!!!!!!! (Long story!!!) Contact with the grandchildren is therefore reduced and it's heartbreaking. Surely we are entitled to an opinion - and yes, I know we have to 'be careful' HOW we say things, but honestly I can't get over how easily people 'take offence'!!!!

Anya - what a great suggestion in your post. Short, to the point, and likely to calm the situation.

travelsafar - my DiL has always needed to be handled with care. DS often tells me I've made thoughtless remarks, sometimes he's right! Everything blew up badly, I thought DiL and I might never speak or meet again. It took time but gradually the situation eased and all's serene now. I'm far more careful what I say, bite my lip if necessary and keep my critical observations to myself. For me, it was not too late to learn a lesson!
I hope that by half term the situation has eased and GD is staying with you.

Travelsafar - Loads of sense on this thread, try to ignore the embittered naysayers!

Well, so many wise words there's not a lot else to say really except that....

If I were you travelsafar I would be on the phone, at the door or whatever grovelling like hell !

Sometimes silly little comments can cause a world war and it seems that your comments (however well meant) might have done just that.

We don't always agree with our children's lifestyle choices but we have to bite our tongues (I am very good at it indeed) sometimes and just let them get on with it.

When it boils down to it they might really need that holiday and despite getting into a bit of debt it may be just what the doctor ordered for them.

Again I would say, I think you should speak to you DS and DDiL, ASAP and apologise for "sticking your nose in".

You really can't let something like this ruin your relationship with your family.

Good luck. x

travelsafar,I feel sorry for you being in this situation.You were only giving your opinion,there must be truth in it for them to overreact like this.I think you should try to speak to your son before half term.I don't know what age your GD is,but it's not nice for her.I hope you can sort this out.

I'm with Anya. Your family means too much for you to risk losing them.Grovel & apologise.I've been there & done that with a DIL. I'm not prepared to lose my son or grandchildren,I'd do whatever it takes to keep this ship on an even keel. Good luck.X

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I think Anya has it spot on, and hopefully you will feel that you can do as she suggests. It may all resolve itself soon - I hope so. Best wishes to you and yours.

Yes, def send a text or email to both, it does seem a total over reaction over one isolated incident. They should also be thinking about the grandchild losing contact with you. I know of so many people who always say they have no money, but will smoke, drink, have huge TV’s, expensive phones, and in this case, a holiday. This does seem to be the norm these days, instead of paying bills and getting straight financially. I personally would remind them just how much I care for them all and just explain that your comment was said purely out of concern not criticism. I am fortunate with my 2 DIL’s we can be very open and have very similar outlooks on life. I so hope your relationship with your son is strong enough to help this to all blow over ?

I also agree with Anya do it soon before it all grows into a much bigger 'thing'. Once it has become a 'thing' between you all it will be harder to deal with. You don't want to become one of the many Gns who are cut off from their GC permanently. DiLs have the power to take away your DS, your GC and your happiness.

Good grief Quizqueen what a harsh way to deal with a situation you/we know so little about off to the solicitors cut them out the will,..... what are you thinking of ?
In your opinion it’s ‘off with their heads’ full stop

It could just be a storm in a teacup and all settled by next week.

It is so interesting reading all these comments. I find that my two DDs can do and say whatever they want to me and I have to accept it. If I respond in any way, I am always wrong. One passed a comment that really upset me only last week and was clearly affronted when I challenged her It does seem that in general we are expected to 'put up and shut up'.

As an estranged parent and grandparent. The longer it goes on the harder it is. I was shown how little they cared when my estrangement began, knew I was not going to apoligise for something I hadn't done. However, a year later I know I did the wrong thing. I need them, they don't need me, I am so unhappy not seeing my family, I should have made contact straight away, regardless of not doing anything. . Send that text, if you can smooth it now it will for the good. my son says now there's no going back, they are happy as they are.

Oh dear! So sorry for all the grief you're experiencing right now.

Obviously you hit a dissonant chord by mentioning their holiday debt (i.e. touching on their finances). You must now be the bigger person and apologize to them for that intrusion. Do allow for flared tempers to calm down however, keeping in mind that family squabbles have a way of festering unless they are nipped in a timely manner.

I also think the bigger problem here is that your DIL thinks you dislike her. There may be much more going on there than you realize.

I too have had issues with family members who I have inadvertently annoyed. The problem is they don't say anything and instead keep it inside.....but it's not fair for someone to stay mad at you and you can't even tell. (I hate when that happens)....but I digress. You know your DIL better than anyone here, and you may have to work harder on improving your relationship with her.

Pride is something we all hold dear, but putting it aside now and then, is a small price to pay in exchange for keeping our families together.

Hope everything works out, Travelsafar

I am guessing what was expressing a concern about them getting into debt for holidays has hit a very raw nerve with your DiL and this is why she reacted like this. Their finances might be more secure than you believe and see this as interference and being judged. It is quite natural to worry over adult children but you have to allow them to stand on their own two feet. The old saying " least said- soonest mended" used to be quite true, not sure it is in today's way of living. I also think your DiL has over-reacted in all of this and is being quite mean to get back at you. If you have generally had a good relationship with her give it a couple of days until the heat has gone out of the situation and then phone them and offer the olive branch.

I also agree with Anya. Maybe a short text now and then contact them after a little time has passed.
You call it 'just an opinion'. They will call it a criticism which frankly it was. How forgiving they are will probably decide on how often you just give an opinion/criticise and whether that comment was a final straw.
Don't a lot of people borrow money for a holiday? Obviously we don't know the details and no one wants to see the people they care about over extend themselves but if they are only borrowing for a holiday, so what really.