HOW YOU LIFE CAN CHANGE IN A MATTER OF HOURS

I agree with Anya I almost had a falling out with my DD a couple of years ago over something I said. It was a BIG mistake. Fortunately things are OK now but it was touch and go for a while. I will never, ever do that again. Now I let them get on with their lives and they include us when they want to. Good luck travelsafar

I like Anya's answer - I know you meant well but money (and what to do with it) is always a minefield. Unless you were asked to contribute or would be asked to help out if they did overspend then really it isn't your business what they spend their money on is it? I wouldn't like my daughter commenting on what I choose to do with my money I'm sure. Don't let it drag on - you have known your DIL a long time, be a shame to let it fester.

Anya’s Message works perfectly.

But I suspect the OP won’t do this.

Hello travelsafar. Do you think maybe you hit a raw nerve with one or both of them.... maybe they are getting into debt over holidays!! I think this could be the case. We owe our younger generation cautionary observations sometimes! They won't keep you out in the cold long.... just until they need childcare! Cynical maybe..... but oh so true.Take heart ..... they'll be back.

I agree with Anya, too. It's not grovelling to admit that you said something better unsaid and that you feel regret. In fact it shows tremendous character.
I do hope your situation is soon resolved. I know from personal experience how very painful these things can be!

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened. There is a way back though as I experienced something similar. Some years ago I interfered and expressed a strong opinion to my son-in-law about some dangerous activities he was encouraging my 4 and 6 year old grandchildren to undertake. My daughter had just moved in with him and he is the children's stepdad. My daughter agreed with me but DS in law took no notice. I spoke to him on the phone and he was not pleased and we had a big row. He said that he would never speak to me again and was going to throw my daughter and grandchildren out. An obnoxious man maybe but I had to swallow my pride and concerns and apologize which I did by text initially. Fortunately he accepted the apology and I asked him not to tell me about worrying activities. We have got on OK since then, I think he reacted so strongly to make sure that I got the message he won't tolerate mother in law interference. Sometimes you have to eat humble pie to preserve family life for the sake of the grandchildren, even though the decisions their parents are taking are obviously crazy. Hoping it all works out, big hugs.

There is absolutely no fathoming people. My brother has not spoken to me since August (the latest in a long line of perceived insults mostly thought of by his wife). This would appear to have been triggered by the death of Our dear friend who was a distant relative of my SIL. In itself wasn’t an issue but was made worse by the fact that our mother was very ill. She lived with me, my DH and and I were giving her 24 hour care, brother hardly visited her, he didn’t buy her birthday or Christmas presents yet did for his in-laws and she had always adored him, She passed away at home 3 weeks ago. Brother refused to act as co-Executor on her will (texted ‘you can do it). So I was caring for her, arranging her funeral, sorting her estate. He came (with wife) to the funeral didn’t speak and left without saying goodbye. So after years of him thinking he can say, do & treat people exactly as he wants with no consequences and the upset he caused a 92 year old he is now out of my life. Because he’s a spineless individual I’m still no wiser as to the basis for this attitude and I do hope that I don’t lose contact with my nephew and niece (my only close relatives). As I said - no fathoming people - you most definitely can’t puck your family!

You are obviously distressed, and i am sorry that you are. However we don't have any more to go on than what you have said, and we cannot judge where the right lies here. Perhaps you spoke gently and lovingly, and perhaps your DIL can be difficult. Or perhaps you poked your nose in where it doesn't belong one time too many and she just couldn't keep quiet any longer. You see, we just don't know. I can only work off of my initial reaction, which is this: if my MIL (or even if my own mum had done so when she was alive) started questioning how we were going to afford a holiday and whether we were going into debt to do it, I wouldn't be any too happy, and if it wasn't the first time she had 'expressed her concern' I would be telling her, quite firmly, to wind her neck in. Just how did you 'express your opinion', and why did you think that you had the right to comment to two adult people who, I presume, run their own lives perfectly successfully? And is your son merely standing with his wife, as is only right, or is he too offended by your comments? I sound very harsh, and if i am being unfair I am really sorry, but i wouldn't take interference without biting back, and i'm sure many others wouldn't either.

At the time of my episode with my DD, she said to me 'what we do is none of your business'. My DH said to me 'she's right. Leave them alone'. So now I do. We might not like some of the things they do, but we keep well out of it.

I do sympathise. It's like a punch in the stomach, isn't it. After a brief quiet period of retreat then maybe you should contact them. Not to apologise, but to mend fences before it becomes fixed in stone. A bit of grovelling is better than losing them permanently out of your life.
If you have previously had a good relationship with your dil then she will surely want to mend fences also.
I've had things like this happen and have tried to learn from it. Not that you said anything particularly bad, but it obviously touched a nerve. Sometimes in life we need to learn to keep our lips zipped. I've learnt that the hard way.
Good luck.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this, however, I don't agree with other posters that you were wrong to say what you did. Just because we become grandparents doesn't mean we have to force some sort of subserviance upon ourselves and cloak any wisdom we might have rather than upset people.

If they are strapped for cash and spalshing out on a holiday, that is of course their business and frankly, I think they have reacted as gulity people do, by blaming you for holding up a mirror to their profligacy.

I also think they are spiteful to say you cannot have your GC at half term, who are they hurting, their own child and your son's mother. It won't do them any harm to have a think about their behaviour and I would be reluctant to advise that you start making overtures, you are still your boy's mother and entitled to concerns about him and your own opinions.

There is far to little respect for elders in our culture as it is.

You are deserving of respect.

Anya is so right. Add a sorry too. It will never get better if you do nothing , sadly. Eating humble pie is the only way . I have had to do it too. Since that time my lips are sealed .

When I was expecting our second baby I told my mother that we were going to buy a new house because we needed another bedroom. Mother told me in no uncertain terms that I was putting a millstone around DH's neck and I should be grateful that we already had a little cottage. DH and I had worked out our finances and knew that we could afford the house but she thought she knew better. Interference like that does not go down well and I never really forgave mother.
I think you are going to have to do some grovelling, my mother never apologised she still thought she was right and it soured the relationship.

Give it time....I am sure things will calm down. Nobody likes being told how they should be spending their money. It is their debt...they will deal with it. Give them a few days and maybe apologise for expressing your opinion. It is the only way to sort this out I think. Hugs

I've learnt over the years to only give my opinion when asked for it and to say to family members when asked for it " are you sure you want it?" That way I can be open and honest. Sometimes my opinion is to tell them that it's none of my business what they do other times I give it to them straight but never judge them over their decisions.We all have lessons to learn in life and we can't learn them from other people's mistakes because it's only the pain from our own mistakes that gives us that lesson. I hope you find the right solution for you and your family

It's so hard reading all of this as we all expect our lives to be happy and an innocent remark can cause so much offence. I have two daughter in laws big very different but I'm very wary of saying anything that might cause offence as I want contact not conflict in my life. Thin lines all the time I hope it gets sorted for you keep away for a little while showing your hurt. Let them ring you give it time .x

I never interfere in my AC's lives.They make their own decisions and whether or not I think its a good decision I keep quiet.Presumably they work for their money so what they spend it on is their choice.I had a friend many years ago who constantly moaned about things I bought ...I told her that once she started financing me..paying my bills she could have an opinion.Until then it was none of her business.She didn't like it but she grudgingly accepted it.The wisest thing is to tell your family you had no right to tell them what to do ..and try not to say it again

Sorry to hear about your plight Travelsafar. It sounds like you touched a raw nerve.

I think whether to comment depends on the personalities involved. I make no comments unless asked for my opinion to my older DS or his girlfriend (GF) because they'd be resentful and I don't want to go through what you are now going through. Totally different with my younger son. I recently criticised him about something and he said he appreciated that I was concerned and why I was concerned.

I don't want to appear rude or upset you further Travelsafar but IMHO, it is up to your DS and DIL how they spend their money. As long as they don't expect you to contribute or pay any of their other bills, it could be argued that it's none of your business.

I have seen a close friend cut off from her DS and GCs by her DIL because she had made a disapproving remark. In her case it was probably one of many. She has strong opinions and because she works in an advisory role, she carries it into her private life.

I like Anya's message and it's worth a try, but if Travelsafar has made similar remarks in the past, the message won't be convincing. My friend has sent DIL grovelling texts apologising etc to no avail.

Perhaps it will all blow over when OP's DIL runs out of people to babysit during half term week. I hope so anyway.

I have such total sympathy it has happened to me a number of times over the years- often even when I have said nothing! Assumptions and perceptions are made, we all have our own intent which is good but the impacts seem to be different- its a well known phenomenon. For no reason at all this year I wasn't allowed! to see my grandchildren all summer.....and NOTHING had been said .....so it has taken me 12 years to realise that I must stop beating myself up and just be there for my son and grandchildren....but no not grovel. They seem to want to live their lives without having to take a long distance grandparent into account...and silences and control pave the way forward; seems to be their way of assuring that!! i know how sad you feel and you can send an apology note if you wish ...I too have done that, it depends on my DILs frame of mind at the time whether it works or not! good luck.

You know what? I think I'd send DiL some flowers. Give it some time. It will get better and you'll very likely be on terms again. And you will have learnt a valuable lesson... Try not to over think things. Many of us have had this sort of (over) reaction to an apparently (to us, anyway) innocuous remark.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this but I know exactly how you are feeling. A similar thing happened with my DiL and she stormed out. I texted my son the next day to see how they were and he said she was feeling bad about it. I then texted her and told her I was sorry, although I was not sure what I had to be sorry about and told her I loved her etc. I got a long reply back explaining how she had felt to which I replied. Since then we are getting on okay but I am very careful about what I say and do and make an extra effort to fit in with them. Nobody likes bad feeling and the sooner you can resolve it the better. I really hope you can sort this out. It rather sounds as if you have touched a nerve there.

Dear Travelsafar,
So much wise advise is heading your way therefore I will send you a ((hug)) and just add don`t beat yourself up over this, be kind to yourself, time can be a wonderful healer.
Take care.

I agree that Anya's suggestion sounds like the right way forward.

Anya I think that makes perfect sense. I've long been the peacemaker between my brother and my mother, and if only she could have swallowed her pride and said something like you suggested, all would have been so much easier. Even though both of them thought they were in the right, my mother should have played the grown-up card. It's not grovelling, it's being wise.