Hormonal Teenager v Grumpy Pensioner - help needed

Our gd lives with us we are both in our 70's my husband finds it is getter harder, she is 16 but he wasn't there very much when our kids were young, had to work all hours. I find she is more of a challlange but am able to deal with it much better then h.
My daughter, is her aunt and is the age that understands more she is so helpful and my gd loves her to bits.
Don't leave just try to find a way to support one another 'it aint' easy I know.
I do think us g.p are pretty tough.

Rude behaviour from anyone in a household only happens if it's allowed to. Arguments need two people contributing to continue. You need a serious look at your discipline techniques and why bad behaviour from a stroppy teenager is being rewarded with outings etc. or things will only get worse. You also should have sorted out a united front from the adults at the very beginning of your relationship or decided that maybe it wasn't for you.

I can see both sides of this and whichever way you look at it dealing with a teenager is not easy. I'm 64 and have a stepson of 14 who lives with us and has done since he was 7. As my DH works shifts I end up doing most of the parenting and I have to admit sometimes I feel like giving up. I have 4 children of my own to youngest is 30 so have been there done it and didn't really want to do it again. All I can say is make sure you make time for you and DH to spend some quality time together. My first husband always hated parents evenings and if his sons are in their 30s he probably did skip all the things that fathers are expected to do I know mine did. Just hold on to the fact that the teenage years end and hopefully you will end up with a lovely young woman and a DH who have a good relationship. He obviously cares for her. Sorry for the long post

Holdthetonic - I live with my daughter and three grandchildren since she became a single parent. I run the house and she works full time. My grandson is 13 and he is a pain in the unmentionables at times. I have been told how sad I am, how stupid I am, how mean I am and worse sometimes, usually because I have enforced a restriction such as no laptop etc or told him off for being mean to his sisters. He is up the air with indignation one minute and then wants help with his homework the next. It is a difficult age for children at the best of times, especially with the pressures that they have to deal with in today's world. I had a much older father, Dad was twenty years older than my Mum and she didn't have children until they had been married for some time so Dad was 55 when I was born. By the time I was 13 he was 68 - my Mum's Mum was only 10 years older and people often paired them off as 'the grandparents' when they came to school plays etc. Used to amuse my Mum enormously but Dad was, to put it mildly, a little piqued. After one particularly embarrassing school concert when he fell asleep part way through and started snoring like a steam train it was a relief when he said he wouldn't attend any more events (much as I loved my Dad it was hard being the only person with a much older parent at school). Does your DD feel upset he doesn't attend or is it something you feel annoyed about? Many Dad's still don't go to school events. If DD is your only or youngest child then maybe your solution would be to get a job, even on a voluntary basis if you don't need the money, so you are out of the house more and let them get on with it. If your DH thinks it is just his DD who is grumpy like this I will happily loan you my DGS (or, in fact, his equally grumpy 10 year old sister).

When I was constantly fighting with my teenage daughter (she's now in her 30's and has two small children of her own and totally emphasizes with what I had to put up with) I read a book called "Get Out of my Life, But First Take Cheryl and Me to the Mall" by Anthony Wolf. Gave me a whole new approach to dealing with her. Basically the advice was to not engage. Very easy read with lots of anecdotes that I completely identified with. Might be a helpful read for both you and your DH.

In many households both parents are working by the time children get to secondary school so only one will go to parents evenings or on outings because it means time off. It really isn't necessary for both to go so not worth making an issue of that. And most teenagers go through a difficult phase - though usually it seems to be the same sex parent they don't get on with! Difficult as it may be, try and sit it out - eventually it will pass and in time she will probably come to appreciate how much he has done for her. Meanwhile a job even if only part time might be good from the point of view of getting you out of the house and away from the problem.

I have been a Step-Mum twice, have to tread carefully. When I met DH his DC were 16 & 19 my DD was 9, we agreed that discipline was down to relevant parent. My DD adored my DH as he adored her although she was never a really "stroppy teenager".

Step-son on the other hand, trouble with the Police, wrecked DH's car when he was learning to drive going out with his mates one of whom had passed his test, got caught Drinking & driving, lost his Apprenticeship through not going to College & goodness knows what else.

I would encourage your DH to back off, she won't be a "stroppy teen" forever, as for not attending Parents Evening etc, unless she wants him to go why is that a problem?

Think carefully before u act. Try and make very clear rules and stick to them. Have a family meeting and tell both you need to clear the air and give everyone five mins speaking their opinion with no one else interrupting. Say you are a family and need to work together. Make it clear you are not taking sides. Make guidelines, simple rules you and husband agree to as far as your daughter is concerned. There will still be outbursts, teenage life is like that! Try and not sweat the small stuff, but you and your husband need to agree on big issues and stick to ur decisions. Sometimes even a written simple contract helps.

When (if) you sit round the dinner table allow everyone to have their say, without interruption, then if anyone has a reply or wishes to repudiate that then they have to listen too and not interrupt or turn it into a full-scale row. Voices kept at a reasonable level, no shouting!

Teenage girls can be challenging, and it is possible that your DD would have been the same with her own Father had he been there all the time rather than just popping in and out. My god daughter has grown into a delightful personable and fun young woman but as a teenager she gave her parents, especially her Father a terrible time and lots of sleepless nights. Her parents stood firm together, let her know she was loved but her behaviour was not. They spoke to her, but would stop the conversation if there was shouting or swearing. After many years of this, the family are still intact, the marriage stronger, and my god daughter adores her parents, especially her Father. They both acknowledge they are different people with different views on life, but have more in common than not, and most importantly love each other. The comments on here from some about a Step father not being a real Father were a bit unkind I think, some step fathers do a fantastic job. Talk to your husband, talk to your daughter, do not allow arguments, but allow discussion, there is a difference. Your daughter must not be allowed to break up your marriage if you are otherwise happy with your DH, this will only make her think that she is the centre of the universe and can get her own way, a bad start to her adult life. But most of all, most of us with daughters have been there, and honestly, this too will pass.

Your daughter must not be allowed to break up your marriage if you are otherwise happy with your DH, this will only make her think that she is the centre of the universe and can get her own way, a bad start to her adult life. B
More or less what I said too, GillT57 but was told I was wrong by another poster.

However, I think the general consensus of opinion is along the lines that you (and I and others) advocate.

Teenagers need to rebel but have to learn that rudeness, wilfulness and shouting does not win the way in the end.

Your DH is probably taking a back seat - Behind the scenes he has been wonderful, sorting out our money so she is provided for in the future, maintaining relations with her father who floats in / out of her life. because he is her step-father and is trying not to take on the role her father should be fulfilling.

I think you and your husband must present a united front. Are you always taking her side against him? Whether he is right or wrong he's entitled to be respected by both of you and if she thinks she's an adult perhaps she should start acting like one. How dare she be so incredibly rude and hurtful. Not too big for a smack!

My own daughter was a nightmare in her teens. Lovely now and very supportive
Now she says she just felt angry all the time. She bought a punchbag recently for a teenager she is helping! Just a thought! I agree with other posts don't give up on the relationship with your husband. Daughter will grow out of it
Hang on in there!

I can remember seeing a programme where Richard and Judy discussed their blended family. He said that he assumed that some of the problems he had with her older children were due to him being their step-dad - later he knew that it was just normal teenage behaviour.

At 70 I think most of us want some peace and quiet in our lives and less responsibility. Presumably he is still supporting her financially and all he has in return is a stroppy teenager who is taking out her angst on him. It's her own dad she should be getting attention from but isn't so she is hitting out at the man who loves and cares for her.

Think long and hard before taking any final decisions in these circumstances. The current situation will not last forever whether you stay or go.

Without knowing the full story and on the face of it. It seems to me you need to tackle the problem with your daughter and have an honest discussion with her, alone, as to why she behaves towards your DD in the way she does. I think you will find she is taking the absence of her biological father out on your DD. Take it from there. I can't believe you would consider walking away from him so easily. Gives all the wrong signals to your daughter.

I think this situation you have, holdthetonic, is common in most households where their are step parents. The step parent never feels the same towards the child or children as a biological parent.
Let it ride, but correct her if she is rude otherwise the quarrelling will only get worse and upsetting for everyone. You can't live like that, life is far too short.