Hormonal Teenager v Grumpy Pensioner - help needed

I find you wrong in this Jalima.

Are you a mumsnetter saak?

I looked at joining mumsnet at one point to be fair but found it a bit young for me. Im in my 50's so joined this instead. is that a problem?

You are entitled to your views, and so am I.
That's what the OP asked for - different views
And advice and wisdom from Gransnetters

No problem, just that your posts sometimes reflect those on MN!

Reading all the other sensible advice I don't think it's me that is out of step

maybe its because Im in the middle ground at my age? I consider myself pretty young but not so, if you see what I mean, Im beyond nappies and school now but still have very strong views. Not so much out there for 50s. Its ether too young or too old.

I consider you pretty young too then
But I am not so old that I've forgotten what it is like to deal with teenagers and with there being a gap between oldest and youngest it seemed to go on for ever.

I also never think a man should overface a love for a child, so a stepfather needs to butt out of this. Go fish, go do whatever and never ever compromise a child, they come first. If an adult can't see this then they have no right to say a word and need to be dumped. Im all for kids and will never ever say any different.

I will never ever advocate a step mother or step father over facing an actual parent.

To give a child of 12 years old the power over you to make you think of leaving your husband is terrible. It's different if she was getting abused, but arguing is normal and, like I said before, be nipped in the bud. She is having far too much influence over her mum's marriage. Would she be happy if they split and then her mum was unhappy single for years to come? She has been happy with her step dad up to now, it's the hormones kicking in and that would happen with a teen's biological dad too, not because he is her step dad.

Holdthetonic Are you unhappy in your marriage, personally, apart from this with your daughter? Because if you are happy enough, then you have to ride this wave. She will be stroppy no matter if you are together or on your own but at least still married, you have someone to confide in, even if he is having trouble himself with dealing with her. They need to find some common ground and leaving them to it sometime might do them good instead of being there to be the go between all the time.

Just a note, my children have never wanted me to be with anyone else since my divorce, even though my ED didn't want me to be with her dad anymore. I have been single now for over 10 years. Now I am living on my own a romance would be nice but I have put it on hold for a very long time. My son would still not be too happy but it's hard luck now, it's my life and if I want someone special in it now, then I will do. Children cannot rule what we do. We can take their feelings into consideration, but ultimately, as long as they are not being abused, then they cannot tell us how to live our lives, it is far too much power, in my opinion.

My parents were at loggerheads most of their marriage but it wasn't my decision to make to have them split up.

My son is a fantastic person. He never ever had to get in-between me and another person. I have seen it so many times before, blended families as we call them now. Its not realistic and such a terrible situation for the children. I kept my son away from that. I brought my son up and never ever allowed anyone else to dictate what things would be due to "wanting a man". He is now doing a math degree, very balanced and very loving. Single parents rock.

It sounds like you did a wonderful job with your son SAAK. We do rock as single parents. I totally agree! for you.

thank you ruby! we do rock. we don't let a man dictate, double rock

Of course, not all men dictate. Some are caring and understanding, and do their best.

As Ruby said...... at age 12/13 hormones kick in, attitudes develop and teens can be just darned difficult.
Certainly for about 4 or 5 years mine just thought he knew it all ..... but the teen years eventually pass ... mine studied long and hard and is now a Ph.d

I may be wrong, of course, but to actually go on a site and actually have to ask such a question then i think its a pretty done deal. he's and arse.

I never had a Daughter, but from talking to others I think it can be much more difficult tantrum wise to raise a Girl? I know O was a pain in the proverbials when I was a teenager

My Son was trouble free as long as he was never allowed to get Hungry. if his Tummy Tank was running on low he was a nightmare, but that was an easy fix!

I wish you well Holdthetonic

O should have been I

Does he worry that he might be mistaken for her grandfather. My lifelong friend had this problem with a much older father.

My DH, 20 years older than me, fathered our two daughters at 50 and 52. He was a great dad, much loved by them, but he did not attend school functions at all. It was just how it was, they never seemed to object to him leaving it all to me. I think they felt a bit embarrassed by him, he was often mistaken for their grandad, so were relieved he did not go. They would now deny this, in loyalty to his memory, but I am sure there is some truth in it. But at home he was the most supportive and loving dad any teenager could wish for.

Why would you leave you DH over this? 13 was the start of the awful teenage years with my DD and we just gritted our teeth and got on with it. Surely your marriage is worth more than a few years of teenage/oap strops. If he cannot rise above it all (and it will have to be him as there is no reasoning with 13 yr old girl in my experience) and you can't turn a deaf ear then it's going to be a rocky ride for a while with you in the middle, but in a few years she will be moving on with her life and things will calm down, do you want to be alone at this point??

I was that horrible teenager with a stepfather who copped it alot of the time! I resented him being in my mums life and in my DADS house and was seriously awful to live with (on reflection).
My mum is still married to stepfather and I'm now a (young) grandma so it can work.
He didn't come to parents evenings but my dad didn't either. I have older siblings and they accepted him fine.
Do you think it's his age or personality that makes him argue with your daughter?
I hope you don't throw your marriage away if you are otherwise happy and as a family unit can compromise and work through the problems you're all experiencing ?

My DH has been stepfather to my children for over 40 years, he has been generous and supportive in many ways but he never attended school things nor University graduations as he said they had a perfectly good father to do that. Perhaps there is a way to encourage your daughter's father to get involved.i always worked, as soon as my children were at secondary school - i really think it's time you did too. You would feel much better earning your own living.i take it you live in his house then?

DH used to avoid parents' evenings (and who can blame him )

I might try literally leaving the room when they start arguing. Say nothing! Let them sort it out themselves. Sounds like they're both attention seeking ..... So don't be part of it because as you say, you end up as piggy in the middle.
Good Luck!