Hormonal Teenager v Grumpy Pensioner - help needed

It seems reasonable that you could get a job and support yourself.

Sorry to hear that holdthetonic. The teenage years (in my distant recollection) are not pretty. How old are your DH's sons? Perhaps as she is essentially an only child (is that right? I take it his son's don't live with you) that you could suggest she doesn't have the same sibling support his sons did and she needs a father figure to step up for parents evenings etc. I do think this needs sorting out and a good family talk is warranted. You have my sympathy - it's hard being the one stuck in the middle.

Good comments from both of you. Thank you. DH"s sons are in their mid thirties and are lovely!

Norah - yes - I'm thinking of getting a job again as I'm getting rather bored of being a SAHM.

I will brace myself for a family talk. (TBH in the light of the terrorist incident at Westminster this afternoon my little difficulty seems rather self indulgent).

Typical teenage girl behaviour holdthetonic. Your DH has done well, stop blaming him for you DD and her Absent Fathers behaviour .Maybe DH doesnt have the same parenting style as you but sometimes you have to agree to differ. Stop blaming him and try understanding that dealing with a stroppy teen is hard and even harder at 70 !
Maybe it is time both you and your Daughter stopped the dramatics

Good points Grannypiper!

At one time I had 3 teenage girls, so I am well aware that this phase is not for he faint-hearted!

One of the reasons we got through it with 3 lovely young women to show for it was because we pulled together; and it must be very hard indeed when that is lacking.

I have to say though that living with a teenage DD when you are 70 must be very hard indeed - most people are just getting their lives to themselves at that age after having brought up little ones; and maybe even enjoying GC who can be handed back!

Is it possible to talk with your DH about the "responding in kind" which will simply be inflaming the situation in a big way. He clearly loves her dearly but is getting a bit too long in the tooth to deal with the stroppiness, which most of us are glad to see behind us.

If you can find some way of backing each other up and clearly defining adult behaviour rather than getting sucked into conflict this might just be of help.

If he is 70, he will have been around in the 60s and I would guess that his behaviour then had its own wild element! - perhaps a gentle reminder!!

I am currently 'babysitting' DGS (10) and his sister (8) and the 'title' of this thread fitted the situation here completely. Excuse me while I raise their blood sugar levels!

I don't envy you your situation but I suspect it will pass. A job for you sounds luke a good idea if only for the break.

Show a united front. My ED came between me and my ex husband and, he became my ex husband. It wasn't all about her attitude but it certainly didn't help as she would wind him up and he would argue with her and I would back her up. Similar age. Very spiteful things, too awful to put on here really. It must have really hurt him. She has said since that she was out of order with some of it but it doesn't excuse that she did it at the time. It's only later that I have known what she did.

Nip this in the bud before she gets older and has you both in a real tizzy. Girls can be awful in their teenage years, I don't envy anyone going through this time. Good luck

Sounds like tolerance and a bit of straight talking is needed here.Being a teenager is tricky but does not give you the right to ride roughshod over others. People have different ways of showing they care and sounds like your husband is doing his best. Don't do anything in haste, this too wil pass. A bit of independence with a job would help you get a better balance and perspective maybe.

The child is 12 years old, has an in/out father, and a step-father who 'responds in kind' to her behaviour.

Give the girl a bit of slack.

I love the advice and wisdom I get on this site.... so useful and so much better another site which shall remain nameless !
Thank you for everyone !

I think the adult has to take resposibility here,answering her back isn't helping and will only inflame things.If he wants the next few years to be better HE needs to step up and be a dad to her.Currently he's acting like a spoilt teen himself.She didn't ask for him to be her stepdad she was stuck with it by her mum marrying him ,if he didn't think he could be her dad on a daily basis he should have walked away.This wee girl deserves better

If you left him it would be peaceful, but your daughter will not be at home forever, and then she might feel it was her fault that you were on your own.

Explain to your DH that times have changed and, while when his sons were young, fathers often did not get involved with school events, things have changed.

Also teenage boys are a very different species to teenage girls. He needs to understand that replying in kind, no matter how much the aggravation - and I had a very stroppy teenage daughter so I know just how aggravating they can be - is not acceptable. You must sit down and talk about it and work out a joint strategy for dealing with her.

I'm not sure a stepdad not going to school parents' evenings or other school events is really a problem. Has your daughter said she wants him to do stuff like that? It sounds as if he has been very supportive in much more important ways and in ways that he felt were suitable.

I don't think the reason he has given for not joining in various things is "crap". It's a valid reason to him. Also, if she's often rude to him, I don't blame him for not wanting to accompany her to things.

When she is rude to him, do you tell her not to speak to him like that? If not, then it's your own fault you're pig in the middle. Not that that excuses him being rude back but nipping her rudeness in the bud might help.

My thoughts exactly, thatbags.

You say you're 'stuck in the middle' holdthetonic but you shouldn't be - she's your daughter and you seem to be letting her talk to her stepdad in whatever way she likes.

Do you really think threatening to leave will solve the problem...?

I don't think a step-father needs to go to parents' evenings etc unless step-daughter really wants him there.

Why not look for a job yourself as someone else suggested - after all, if you do move out with your DD then you will have to find work.
He must be finding living with a stroppy teenager a bit of a trial. I used to get fed up of being 'piggy-in-the-middle' between DH and the DC when they were teenagers too.

DH thinks that young people go into - they listen to nothing and nothing you say or do is right - so only another 7 years to go!! It would be better if he didn't descend to a teenage level when responding to her but remembered that he is the adult in the situation.

Good luck.

I don't know why some of that got deleted

DH thinks that young people go into a tunnel between the ages of 12 and about 20

Stepfathers are not fathers and it usually comes to the fore now. My sister left her husband when her daughter was 13 due to his total lack of compassion and military stance.

As I said earlier - thanks for the advice it's all v useful food for thought.

No man is worth a rift with a child. None.

He sounds as if he has been a kind and caring step-father for ten years, your DD has just started the difficult teenage years which he is finding hard to deal with. It may be up to you to tell her that her behaviour towards her step-father is unacceptable - teenagers do need boundaries to kick against - and advise him not to react to her.

If you leave him then she will have won and could become even more sure that rudeness, nastiness etc wins the day which will not be good for her in the future.

A child wins? where are you coming from jalima? Most men will marry a woman with a tiny child, the minute it gets difficult due to not actually being their parent the man decides that he needs to rule over the mother and the child. Id advise this woman to get shot of him.

saak he is just arguing with a rude and truculent teenager and doesn't want to take the role her father should be undertaking ie parents' evenings etc. That is hardly a reason to leave him.

Surely you can enjoy some mother/daughter outings to the cinema etc holdthetonic - why does he have to go?