opting out from having a funeral.

Having had a passion for horses most of my life my DD says that she's going to have me cremated and will then sprinkle my ashes onto the nearest muck heap because, she says, "mother will be perfectly happy up to her neck in horse poo!"

My only specific wish is to be cremated; I have no desire "to lie in cold obstruction and to rot". Everything else should be what my family feels happiest with.

DM left her body to science, and we had a jolly wake at her house on the North Norfolk Coast, inviting her local friends and tradesmen who had kept an eye on her.

I have planned my pagan funeral (green site), happy Jazz music, no dark colours, ideally wild flowers or later plant a tree, cardboard box, Wiccan celebrant etc. The happiest funeral I've ever attended was my son's best friend, a young man who was remembered by all his friends with love and laughter. One piece of music caused problems with the wrong CD track being played - we all chorused "No, number 2" and eventually someone said "We need Mark here - he'd soon sort it". It brought the house down! DH says you can shove him in a plastic bag and pop him in the bin!!! But funerals are for those left to celebrate the life of the deceased.

When my DMil (a non-believer) passed away a few years ago my DH and I wrote her eulogy and delivered it ourselves. We made all references to her life as respectfully humorous as possible. We talked about her being a bit of a party animal, her boy-racer type driving, her wonderful holidays, her wicked sense of humour etc. Then thanked everyone who had loved and cared for her and expressed her appreciation. We combined this with a recording of some of her favourite music such as Begin the Beguine. It was a 30 minute celebration of her life and she would have loved it.

My dear B.in.l Peter's humanist funeral was, as mildred's thread earlier, so so sad but absolutely joyous and uplifting and so captured his essence. He was only 61, far too young to leave us, but his music was played, family pictures were displayed and funny stories about him told. Its not for everyone but the joy and beauty of that service helped us all cope a little better with the pain of losing him. It must be so difficult for loved ones to say a very austere goodbye. For myself, i want buckets of tears and gales of laughter and a big party with lots of dancing!

From what I have read on here, it does seem that most people need some sort of 'service' religious, humanist, or just a collection of readings / music, and it does bring a sense of ritual and closure. It may be our own choice, just to have a disposal of the body, but is it selfish to deny relatives/friends this closure?

You can have a direct cremation. Your remains will go direct from the undertaker (you'd have to go there wether you died at home or hospital ) no car,no mourners,no words said etc. David Bowie had one.

I have been to two memorial services over the year one was held as the lady who had passed had left her body to medical science although she was Catholic and friends and relatives felt they needed to bid farewell, the other was for the local community as the guy in question had been living locally but actual funeral held miles away,

When my step dad died he had a humanist service. No bible readings, prayers or hymns but 2 songs were played. One was Frank Sinatra's 'My Way'. I wasn't sure about that when my mum suggested it but it was just right for him.

It was a lovely send off; despite the heartbreak it was the nicest funeral I've ever been too.

If you donate your body to medical science (my dad did) you do eventually get any left over or spare bits back again to be disposed of so you still need to arrange a cremation or other means.
My dad didn't want any service or memorial and I'm sure that's why my mum had such trouble coming to terms with his death. She never really accepted it as there was no "end marking point"

I am with you on this one. I am not having a funeral. I have my own personal reasons for this. It's your body, your life (or in this case, death) so you should be able to decide. Family can get together down the cafe or pub and have a cry there then move on...

My daughters and friends know me well enough that I wouldn,t want a funeral.Mine will be a wicker basket and woodland burial,with friends in their casual clothes,saying whatever takes their fancy.
If it is summertime,they can all have a nice picnic together in my garden.

I did have a friend who went to the funeral of a colleague,where the organist died !!

I have read this thread with great professional and personal interest. I have a file prepared with instructions for my funeral and have discussed the contents with all my close family members.

As a Chaplain in a care home it is very much a part of my job to address the funeral wishes of the residents. Just today I had a a lady tell me that she didn't want a 'praise' party, but a 'proper', respectful church funeral with hymns and the mourners wearing black. The next person I spoke to simply hoped that there would be someone at her funeral who had cared for her.

I don't want a funeral but I realise that it wouldn't be about me it's about family left behind. My daughter had told me too bad, I'm getting one!

i know i`m in the minority but i feel strongly about funerals. people look at me strangely when i say that i dont want a funeral. i just dont get the point. your not there to appreciate the "send off" and i think it just upsets relatives and friends as though they`re not upset enough when you die . a friend of ours was in her 30`s , with a young family, when she died with cancer. the church was packed to the rafters but. as her husband said. afterwards. where were they all when he really needed them. i think if you really care for someone. show it while they are alive

i think i`m in the minority because i really dont agree with funerals. a person has died and that . for me. should be it. i`m not religious either so that doesnt come into it. i just want me body taken away and maybe used for medical research, my husband has his all planned down to katherine jenkins music playing. i said . but you wont be there it hear it.. i just dont get it. if you care for someone show them while they are alive not after they`ve gone at a funeral .its just prolonging the upset. a friend if ours who was in her 30s . with a young family died with cancer. the church was jam packed but . like her husband said. where were they all afterwards when he could have really done with their support and help

Has anyone really close to you died, earnshaw? a parent, a brother or sister, a child? Have you ever spent the days just after their death in a blur, with no focus to your life? One thing that a funeral does is to give a bereaved person something on which to concentrate, to make decisions about and to arrange so as to say a final goodbye to them and draw a line under their life.

A funeral is not really for the person who has gone, it is for those who remain.

Mr C and I have been talking about funerals, our wills need a re-vamp so an opportunity to include our wishes. We both agree cremation is the way for us. The type of ceremony seems irrelevant, although I know for myself very low key would be my preference, but I know I do want there to be flowers. But, and this is a big but, we believe funerals are for those left behind and so details will be a family decision. After the cremation we are agreed that whoever has had the first funeral will 'come home' until the second funeral. We then want to be taken together and our ashes scattered at a place that is special to us both. No, our family aren't yet aware as we have only just reached this conclusion after discarding others that just didn't feel right. We hope they will understand, we know they will listen which is all we can ask.

I thought that with things like back garden burials you had to be careful about how near water sources you were so the products of your decomposing body did not affect water courses.
Not such a problem with a cremation though, you would get nicely ground up sterilsed bonemeal.

Trust you to bring the conversation back down to earth Nellie

I agree that funerals (or wakes or whatever) are really for those left behind - but I've been to a few funerals where I've been shocked and saddened at the liberties taken by those left behind, with what gets celebrated and what gets totally ignored.

The saddest was the first funeral I ever went to - a lovely young man who died aged 37, who had grown up in rural NZ in a very hellfire/original sin religious family - and who had run away to the city to study music aged 18. He was gay, and died of AIDS. The funeral was held in the biggest cathedral in the city where he died - mostly attended by family and family friends - his partner and friends were banned from attending. The eulogy, written by his family and delivered by one of the most bigoted, homophobic priests it has ever been my misfortune to know - was all about his schooldays as a choirboy at the local small-town religious school. Nothing at all was said about the fact he'd turned into a truly lovely young man and a fine musician; caring, compassionate, funny and with great wisdom and perspective - and lots of lovely young friends.

I don't see the need for a funeral, although I believe strongly in God. I know my financial circumstances would make having anything but a tiny private one impossible. People who care will mourn in their own way: but I believe the deceased person's wishes re disposal of ashes or burial at home etc.,etc should be honoured - not to do so seems disrespectful to me.

When my son died we had a non-religious celebrant to plan his funeral, he was not religious and I like to think that he would have approved. Helen was a big help to us, always at the end of the phone if we needed her but not obtrusive.The funeral was more a celebration of his life and was well attended by family, work mates and friends. We had a wake at the pub where he worked in the evenings, the owner closed the pub for the evening and all his friends were there.In my opinion donating your body to science is the stuff of nightmares but that is just my opinion and not something either my husband or I would have considered for our beloved son.

A relation of our recently died and stipulated this, no fuss, no friends, no family, only his mum (but she had two of her sisters were with her for support). He did not want fuss or the wake afterwards.
She has decided to have a very informal get together / memorial one day in summer, venue to be decided, just so his friends and family can say goodbye. It must have hurt her not to have a funeral, (she apologised a lot to the family) but she respected his wishes, and made sure he had the type of funeral he wanted.

No answer, just s rather amusing story:

When my parents retired in the early seventies they had a house built in Eire by the sea.
In the same village lived an old lady who had a house that had no road to it, just many steps, none of my parent's friends had ever seen her, so I fear she was nicnamed,'the witch.'
When she died, all her friends etc were waiting, in the rain, for the coffin to arrive, only to hear that they had not made the coffin the correct size, so the poor people had to remain waiting in the rain until another one was made.
This of course would not happen today.