opting out from having a funeral.

Since so many people are being cremated these days that means that time can pass before the funeral takes place and lot of people just have close family who meet at the cemetry or wherever the ashes will have their last resting place.
I think thats preferable. DH and I don't want a funeral.

I have donated my body to science. The document is kept with my will so that they know what to do. They keep the body for 3 years and after that the family can have the body back if they want, or its dealt with by University hospital. Then a picture of you is put in a 'hall of fame' how good is that !!! I must choose a good pic, I want to look my best. My family were all for it.

Errr... you can actually "opt out of having a funeral", as a funeral is the ceremony attached to your demise. What you can't opt out of is the disposal of your body, whether it be by interment, cremation, or donation to medical science. Personally, I'm not planning to be at my own funeral, but would be content for it to go ahead purely on the basis of allowing family and friends to say cheerio. It would seem rather rude and selfish to deny them that opportunity.

Funerals are for the living. Therefore I will consult my DSs and DGCs before stating any preferences. I know that they will agree to a secular funeral and no frills. A woodland burial would be preferable, but as I won't be there to take part, they might want to make other arrangements. I'd like to think they would have a good 'wake' and remember the happy times.

When my dad died we had a church service and her was buried in the local cemetery. We then went back to my mams for a cuppa. There were only a few family members and a couple of his friends that attended. When my mam died we had a church service and she was cremated. Only a few family members attended and we went to my brother's for a cuppa after. Her ashes were later buried with my dad. We only had church services because they were old fashioned people and wanted it as they said to be done right. When my time comes my kids feel the same as me about death, when your time is up its up and the living move on, no point mourning for something that's not there, it's just a decaying shell, the essence that made the person has moved on. I shall be cremated and scattered over the sea, there will be no church service or cremation service and no wake. Life is for the living not the dead. Of course people grieve, I grieved for my parents but I didn't need a party, church service or anything, none of us did. It's just a money making racket, everyone dies and by eck there's a lot of money to be made on death. But these are just my opinions, each to their own.

my mother arranged for her body to used for medical research and I had to sign a form to say I agreed. Years later, when she died, I found that was lots more paperwork for me to deal with, but I wanted to honor her wishes. Various organisations were involved, but they were all closed at the weekend and the body had to be received by the medical school within 4 days of the death which meant by Tuesday. I managed it all, but now I know that if you want to do this it's best not to die on a Thursday...sorry if that sounds too flippant.

We had a humanist, non religious funeral for my uncle. It was very very personal. Allowed people to say their goodbyes. Much more true and beautiful than any religious funeral I have been to.

I'm with you jinglbells frocks.

The important thing about this is to make sure the person leaves full instruction about what he or she wants after discussions with loved ones. Hopefully the feelings of the loved ones will be included so all should be content.

No answer, just s rather amusing story:

When my parents retired in the early seventies they had a house built in Eire by the sea.
In the same village lived an old lady who had a house that had no road to it, just many steps, none of my parent's friends had ever seen her, so I fear she was nicnamed,'the witch.'
When she died, all her friends etc were waiting, in the rain, for the coffin to arrive, only to hear that they had not made the coffin the correct size, so the poor people had to remain waiting in the rain until another one was made.
This of course would not happen today.

A relation of our recently died and stipulated this, no fuss, no friends, no family, only his mum (but she had two of her sisters were with her for support). He did not want fuss or the wake afterwards.
She has decided to have a very informal get together / memorial one day in summer, venue to be decided, just so his friends and family can say goodbye. It must have hurt her not to have a funeral, (she apologised a lot to the family) but she respected his wishes, and made sure he had the type of funeral he wanted.

When my son died we had a non-religious celebrant to plan his funeral, he was not religious and I like to think that he would have approved. Helen was a big help to us, always at the end of the phone if we needed her but not obtrusive.The funeral was more a celebration of his life and was well attended by family, work mates and friends. We had a wake at the pub where he worked in the evenings, the owner closed the pub for the evening and all his friends were there.In my opinion donating your body to science is the stuff of nightmares but that is just my opinion and not something either my husband or I would have considered for our beloved son.

I don't see the need for a funeral, although I believe strongly in God. I know my financial circumstances would make having anything but a tiny private one impossible. People who care will mourn in their own way: but I believe the deceased person's wishes re disposal of ashes or burial at home etc.,etc should be honoured - not to do so seems disrespectful to me.

I agree that funerals (or wakes or whatever) are really for those left behind - but I've been to a few funerals where I've been shocked and saddened at the liberties taken by those left behind, with what gets celebrated and what gets totally ignored.

The saddest was the first funeral I ever went to - a lovely young man who died aged 37, who had grown up in rural NZ in a very hellfire/original sin religious family - and who had run away to the city to study music aged 18. He was gay, and died of AIDS. The funeral was held in the biggest cathedral in the city where he died - mostly attended by family and family friends - his partner and friends were banned from attending. The eulogy, written by his family and delivered by one of the most bigoted, homophobic priests it has ever been my misfortune to know - was all about his schooldays as a choirboy at the local small-town religious school. Nothing at all was said about the fact he'd turned into a truly lovely young man and a fine musician; caring, compassionate, funny and with great wisdom and perspective - and lots of lovely young friends.

Trust you to bring the conversation back down to earth Nellie

I thought that with things like back garden burials you had to be careful about how near water sources you were so the products of your decomposing body did not affect water courses.
Not such a problem with a cremation though, you would get nicely ground up sterilsed bonemeal.

Mr C and I have been talking about funerals, our wills need a re-vamp so an opportunity to include our wishes. We both agree cremation is the way for us. The type of ceremony seems irrelevant, although I know for myself very low key would be my preference, but I know I do want there to be flowers. But, and this is a big but, we believe funerals are for those left behind and so details will be a family decision. After the cremation we are agreed that whoever has had the first funeral will 'come home' until the second funeral. We then want to be taken together and our ashes scattered at a place that is special to us both. No, our family aren't yet aware as we have only just reached this conclusion after discarding others that just didn't feel right. We hope they will understand, we know they will listen which is all we can ask.

Has anyone really close to you died, earnshaw? a parent, a brother or sister, a child? Have you ever spent the days just after their death in a blur, with no focus to your life? One thing that a funeral does is to give a bereaved person something on which to concentrate, to make decisions about and to arrange so as to say a final goodbye to them and draw a line under their life.

A funeral is not really for the person who has gone, it is for those who remain.

i think i`m in the minority because i really dont agree with funerals. a person has died and that . for me. should be it. i`m not religious either so that doesnt come into it. i just want me body taken away and maybe used for medical research, my husband has his all planned down to katherine jenkins music playing. i said . but you wont be there it hear it.. i just dont get it. if you care for someone show them while they are alive not after they`ve gone at a funeral .its just prolonging the upset. a friend if ours who was in her 30s . with a young family died with cancer. the church was jam packed but . like her husband said. where were they all afterwards when he could have really done with their support and help

i know i`m in the minority but i feel strongly about funerals. people look at me strangely when i say that i dont want a funeral. i just dont get the point. your not there to appreciate the "send off" and i think it just upsets relatives and friends as though they`re not upset enough when you die . a friend of ours was in her 30`s , with a young family, when she died with cancer. the church was packed to the rafters but. as her husband said. afterwards. where were they all when he really needed them. i think if you really care for someone. show it while they are alive

I don't want a funeral but I realise that it wouldn't be about me it's about family left behind. My daughter had told me too bad, I'm getting one!

I have read this thread with great professional and personal interest. I have a file prepared with instructions for my funeral and have discussed the contents with all my close family members.

As a Chaplain in a care home it is very much a part of my job to address the funeral wishes of the residents. Just today I had a a lady tell me that she didn't want a 'praise' party, but a 'proper', respectful church funeral with hymns and the mourners wearing black. The next person I spoke to simply hoped that there would be someone at her funeral who had cared for her.

My daughters and friends know me well enough that I wouldn,t want a funeral.Mine will be a wicker basket and woodland burial,with friends in their casual clothes,saying whatever takes their fancy.
If it is summertime,they can all have a nice picnic together in my garden.

I did have a friend who went to the funeral of a colleague,where the organist died !!

I am with you on this one. I am not having a funeral. I have my own personal reasons for this. It's your body, your life (or in this case, death) so you should be able to decide. Family can get together down the cafe or pub and have a cry there then move on...

If you donate your body to medical science (my dad did) you do eventually get any left over or spare bits back again to be disposed of so you still need to arrange a cremation or other means.
My dad didn't want any service or memorial and I'm sure that's why my mum had such trouble coming to terms with his death. She never really accepted it as there was no "end marking point"