opting out from having a funeral.

PS and write them down. It can be included in your will.

I'm also a non-believer so I've requested a non-religious send-off. I'm going to be cremated and my ashes put in a firework rocket that emits purple stars. Then my family are going to let the rocket off over the marshes where I live. The only thing that worries me is that I die before my parents - they're rather religious and a non-religious ceremony will probably upset them.

My father's humanist ceremony, at the crematorium, was exactly what was needed - a lovely way to say goodbye to him, without a scrap of religion. He'd have haunted me if I'd involved a priest, I'm sure
It was also a reasonable cost.

I would like to have a disposal only and then my ashes sprinkled wherever.
I was talking to my DDs and they told me you can have your ashes put into fireworks and go off with a really good bang.
Now this is something I would really like!!!

My hubby of 66years of marriage was buried at the Natural Burial Ground in April and I had a non religious service for him at the local crematorium . The service consisted of comical poems about us and a short summary of hubby's life plus the celebrant who was taking the service and had a lovely voice singing "We'll meet again ". With us all joining in. I wanted to celebrate hubby's 88 years on this earth NOT his departure.i also had his big band music in the background because he used to love Glenn Miller and all the bands of his era. No hymns or anything else to do with religion.
It was comical really because at the wake after the funeral, held at the local hotel, I had many folks coming to me saying that it was THE best funeral they had ever attended and they too would be making arrangements for their own demise.
He has bird and bat boxes in his memory with his name on them. I had no intentions of putting expensive stone ware in a graveyard to be kicked down by yobs and drug addicts as they had done to a good many.

I have a friend who is a Celebrant and he conducts very many simple funerals. His particular dislike is hymns which either no-one knows or is too upset to sing. You can have what you like - secular songs, music, but I think it would be difficult for family and friends to have nothing at all. I completely agree with the speech by someone who didn't know the person at all, having witnessed a local vicar doing just that. A good celebrant will take time to talk to the family and find out about the person, what they wanted, what the family wanted, and compose an appropriate goodbye ceremony. We had him for my parents, he didn't know them, or us then, but took many hours to find out and several people thought he had actually been a close friend beforehand. Helps if you write a few notes yourself too - my dad did that, which I thought was a bit controlling (and typical of him) at the time, but dealing with (and all the associated admin) is hard enough; having an idea of what the person wanted makes it so much less difficult.

Just realised the last sentence doesn't make sense - wish there was an 'Edit' button on Gransnet. There isn't is there? Have I missed something?

This is such a personal decision; my late husband was a non-believer and hated mawkishness and hypocrisy of many funeral mourners who had not had any recent contact with the deceased but who turned up for the show. (This was his view, not mine.) During his terminal illness we both discussed his funeral and he did not want a service and any mourners, just a disposal at the crematorium. Initially he did not wish me to attend but reluctantly agreed as I said someone should be there to ensure the funeral directors carried out his wishes. I chose some of his favourite music and sat quietly for a few moments with the coffin and then indicated that the curtains could be closed. I felt at peace as it was what he wished.
However he did make arrangements for a wake and he drew up the guest list of around 50 people with whom he had had close association during his life and the following month we had a wonderful celebratory meal at his favourite restaurant.
A close friend and neighbour gave a short, humorous, anecdotal speech and we all have fond memories of the occasion. Because it was a month after his death
I found it less harrowing than a conventional ceremony so soon after his passing and could begin to reflect on the happy years we had shared.
For myself, I really have no strong views - just a simple, non-religious cremation and a jolly good party to follow!

Yes I wrote the short summary of hubby's life with comical and serious bits in it. It helped to give folks a smile which is what I want for myself too.

I recently had a brush with death when my heart went into spasm during an angiogram. It was a great comfort to me to know I had taken to precaution to draw up an Advance Directive and an Advance Care Plan. The first detailed the circumstances in which I did not want certain medical/surgical interventions and the second detailed the way in which I would like care provided should I become dependent. It also included a section where I could detail the kind of funeral (Direct Cremation - no ceremony - cardboard coffin) With family scattered throughout UK, I leave it to them to organise gathering and love the idea of a rocket with purple stars for my ashes! These docs are part of my medical records and the Directive is legally binding in England but not yet in Scotland. The blank forms can be found on www.finalfling.com along with various links to other docs such as Power of Attorney and wills and how to arrange a Direct Cremation. I have discussed all this with my family who will have copies of all my docs by the end of this month and it feels good to have made these decisions.

I've just had an exceptional run of funerals...8 in 10 weeks, so have seen a variety from 'full regalia' religious ones to simple personalised non religious ceremonies in the chapel to the local crematorium which is in a pretty setting.

The standout one, for me was a ceremony held in the Clandon Wood Natural Burial Grounds in Surrey - a nature reserve. It somehow felt 'just right' and wholesome. There was a wicker coffin (but with a solid base to prevent creaking. The ceremony was simple, personalised with letters from each child to their mother (who was being buried) read out and photos being projected onto a screen of their mother and special moments throughout their lives. It was extraordinarily beautiful and exceptionally touching.

I was reminded how much funerals are as much for the living and a memorial of the person who has died.

It was surprisingly consoling to me when friends turned up at my mother's funeral, even tho' they hardly knew her. They were standing by me. Similarly a group of us went to the civil ceremony a friend arranged for his mother, even tho' we did not know her at all. We were standing by our friend in a time of sadness. He was very very touched.

Other people just organised for the remains to be sent straight from the funeral directors to the crematorium, holding a memorial some time later.

I would flag up for those who are thinking of avoiding a funeral completely, by giving their bodies to medical science. It might be worth checking up with the establishment to which you are intending to donate your body that you won't be given the remains when they are 'done' with you. A friend has just discovered that this is what they intended to do!

So - There seems to many good ways of dealing with death and the ceremonies surrounding it.

I'd like a green funeral, a woodland burial. The best funerals I've been to were ones conducted by friends of the deceased. It's all very well saying its up to those left behind, but it might be helpful to stipulate what you'd like, otherwise there's a lot of second guessing and emotions are raw and clashes can happen. My mother said she didn't care, but my brother and I were at odds, he took over and I nearly didn't go to her funeral.

I arranged my mums passing, it wasn't a funeral because she was a non believer and hated spending money uneccasarily. My husband and I want the very least we can get away with doing. As for our family members they can have a party with fun and laughter when they are ready to celebrate our live's not our death's. The money we would have spent on a funeral will be available for just this purpose.

rosesarered why does their need to be a service of some kind? I want my body cremated and my ashes scattered somewhere nice. I am happy for as many to come to the scattering as want to but I don't want someone standing there talking about me, I would rather people think back on my life quietly and perhaps talk about me in the future.

My mum loathed funerals. She was a very private person and felt that funerals were a chance for people to turn up and parade their grief, even if they hadn't seen the deceased for years or didn't have a profound relationship with them. When my dad died, she chose not to have a funeral for him - the undertakers handled the cremation and, at the time we knew it was taking place, the immediate family gathered together at her house and shared our grief in silence.

When mum herself died, she said in her will that my sister and I could decide whether or not to arrange a funeral, and that we didn't have to feel under any obligation to attend. In the end, my sister felt that a small funeral would give us closure. Again, it was just immediate family and we did everything ourselves, i.e. the music, the reading, etc. It was good because it felt personal to us.

I don't think anyone should feel obliged to hold a funeral if they don't want to. Similarly, if you don't want a funeral yourself, you should tell your family and they should respect your wishes.

It's your life and your death, so your choice. It's what others do, or we do for others in life that counts, not a funeral. Just make your wishes known and talk with family so it's all clear and sorted.

A disposal is a very appealing idea. As well as saving your loved ones' money, a memorial service can be held at the right time for the mourners' feelings.

Funerals dont need to be religious, we had a wonderful celebrant do my daughters service and it was more a celebration of life rather than all doom and gloom religious death style one. She also found us a brill local funeral director unlike the 'big names' who rip you off and play on your grief and guilt trip you making you spend a fortune you cannot afford

Thank you to all the contributors to this Forum. I have 6 children three of whom live and work abroad. I have expressed a wish that on my demise I am cremated without ceremony, that my ashes be stored somewhere and at a time when all the family are in the UK they can scatter or bury my ashes and then have a happy meal together, hopefully remember any good I did and be kind enough to forget the rest!! I really don't want those who are abroad to feel that they have to drop everything and travel back especially for a funeral. For some of them it may indeed not be possible due to the nature of their work to just take time off (ie they could be in the middle of the Atlantic!!). The thing which worries me about this is that I do feel that a funeral brings 'closure', sort of a 'permission' to get on with life. So I thought maybe on the evening of the cremation they could all get together via Skype.

Thank you so much Seadragon for your link - www.finalfling.com - where I hope I will find some information about how to organise this. I have approached several funeral directors but they seem incapable of thinking outside the box and can only offer one of their set 'packages' none of which are suitable.

(When my dear elderly friend died some years ago, her only family, not close relatives,arranged the funeral but had no interest in giving any information to the vicar for the service. Having checked with them and gained their permission I went to considerable lengths to write up some notes about the things she had considered important in her life, things she had enjoyed and good deeds - of which there were many - she had done for friends and neighbours. At the funeral the vicar had re-scripted my notes and I didn't even recognise the person he spoke of. If there is a service and the vicar does not know the deceased I think it is so much better if the family or friends can manage to give the eulogy.)

You don't need a body to celebrate someone's life after they have died. Memorial services can be happy affairs providing people do talk about their experiences of the person who has died. My experience is that after the funeral people are just chatting about holidays or catching up with folk they have not seen for a while .

I heard of someone not wanting a funeral who had her body driven by a family member to the crematorium and then had her ashes scattered. It's perfectly legal to take a bod to cremation yourself, providing of course it's done with respect.

Funerals are ridiculously expensive. I would opt for latter, or woodland burial, but that is also expensive. When I had my 60th, I had a small gathering of close friends to dinner at a posh place. My husband had asked them to speak after the dinner about how they knew me. It was very touching what they said. Better to hear what folk think of you when alive, than never hear it.?

I hope you find the Final Fling link as useful as I did, Shellseeker. One of the links is to 'Open Funerals' which is where I learned about Direct Cremation.

I have stated to my family I want a 'direct cremation' this means my body will go directly to the crem. There are several companies that now offer this service if you search online.

It is far better this way, especially when money is short. Funerals are such a rip off. I have threatened my family if they waste money on a full funeral I will come back and haunt them!! Lol!

Funerals are important. It's over 20 years since my dear brother died in the USA. He had elected not to have a funeral. My ghastly sister in law held a memorial service several months after his death, to which his family were not invited.

I feel that the lack of a funeral means I never had the chance to say goodbye to him.

He was no longer religious, but that didn't mean there couldn't be a celebration of his life held before cremation. I have been to several non religious things like that and they were all just as moving as the church services I have attended.

A good friend died suddenly. Her family knew she didn't want a funeral so the undertakers collected her and took her to the crematorium while everyone else went to the upstairs of the pub for a celebration of her life conducted by a humanist. I found the whole thing cold and unfeeling. WE were very good friends and I didn't feel I Had the opportunity to say goodbye. All I tried to remember was that it was what she and the family wanted. They didn't even tell us she was being cremated at the same time as we were getting together and I Only found out afterwards. It was awful.

I have told my hubby and children I want a direct cremation, no funeral. But about a month later use the money that would have been spent on the service and ridiculous cost of flowers for a nice meal to which anyone who I saw regularly and all family is invited.
The children can organise some happy memories for everyone to remember me and can hear shared laughter not tears.

I hate funerals, our daughter, our parents, my beloved SiL, my niece, very recently my brother at 65. I used to think they must be helpful, grieving process and saying goodbye, but believe me they never helped me.

But I have also told them 'do what you would like to do, I shan't know, I' m not there!'

However hubby will not discuss any aspects of his future funeral at all!