opting out from having a funeral.

I would prefer no funeral myself, body to the crematorium and then my family scatter my ashes later at some place special to all of us.. but I know it won't happen that way, my husband says he needs a 'proper' funeral to say goodbye. As it will make no difference to me whatever he decides I stated my wishes but will leave it up to him. If he predeceases me my girls know my wishes and will carry them out to the letter.

I thought saying goodbye was exactly what a wake was for. You could regard it as a funeral without the body.

That's what I had been thinking thatbags but unsure about it really.

I have told my lot (and written it down) that I do not want any type of service when I pop my clogs. They are to have my body cremated with no talk/singing etc. If they want to have a get together over a drink and sarnie after I'm gone that's up to them lol. Don't see the sense in lining the pockets of funeral directors any more than you have to.

The back garden would do me a treat. And I would love to be allowed a peep at future developers' faces when they dig me up.

jings

My Mom and Dads funerals were both totally silent. No music, no service, no flowers, nothing said whatsoever. We went in, the coffin came in, curtains closed, we went out. That is what they both asked for. It took 5 minutes. I arranged this according to their wishes. I know it wasn't about me, but I felt embarrassed by it on both occasions.

Roses There seem to be so many variations on funerals these days, that it must surely be up to the individual, or their family if no specific wish is made, what sort is held. The days when everyone wore black are far behind us, thank goodness, and in my opinion it is a farewell to a loved one and a thank you for a life, which is how people will see mine which is to be quite simply that. With regard to the Wake Thatbags one of our friends was so distressed he did not want a Wake, only his close family, and no-one felt that that was odd, or left out, they respected his wishes.

Daisychain

This is an issue I have experienced a couple of months ago.

We have good friends, an extremely popular couple who had a light hearted take on life and a good social network. Sadly the husband died and it was naturally a shock and unexpected. The obvious question arose when and where will his funeral be held.

We found out that he was being cremated but no family nor friends were to attend only his wife. We were shocked and to be honest even now I feel as though I have been disrespectful to my dear friend by not attending any service of memorial or to say my farewell.

We were so shocked we even rang the undertakers to confirm this was true and they said this was a first for them but yes it is how we understand it to be, only his wife will attend.

I have no idea to date whether this was a decision made by both of our friends or not. We did worry our friend was suffering some kind of break down but that is apparently not the case. So, we have to accept this was her decision and utterly respect that is how it should be.

It is most certainly not for others to have any input as to another persons funeral arrangements but all I can say is having never experienced this before there is a great sadness that you can't put your finger on but none the less a sad feeling in not having the opportunity in saying farewell to a much loved friend.

I didn't have any comfort from my husbands funeral, the night before the funeral was so different, I went to the church with my priest, just the two of us and the coffin , much comfort

I didn't attend the funerals of my parents , my siblings did, my parents knew I would not attend ,

Kassi and POGS that really is food for thought.
It does matter to us to have a service [of some kind]not to the deceased, but for those who are alive!That has made me think again.

if somebody is not religious, it could be a short service, perhaps a few readings and appropriate music.
For church go-ers and past church go-ers a few prayers chosen by the family?

I don't intend to have a funeral although I am Christian, I don't want to put my relatives through a service,having to give a eulogy etc. I have left my body to medical science but they may not want me. In which case I will be cremated and ashes disposed of. Prefer my family to remember me, they know of my wishes.

A lady in our choir died suddenly-her daughters and her then husband had a private (presumably secular service-woodland burial). Lots of us were invited some time afterwards to a celebration of her life in a local village hall.
The family had put up family photos and the daughters told us of their mother's life and paid tribute to her.
As a choir we sang a few pieces-it was all lovely and fitting for a much loved alto, and a potter, a walker and each of her interests was represented.

I agree with granjura, donation to charity is much better than lining the pockets of undertakers. I did like woodland burial etc that Newquay mentioned, nice personal touches. It's important I think for family and friends to be able to say their goodbyes in whatever way is fitting.

"lining the pockets of undertakers" - I remain grateful to the undertakers who helped us organise the funerals for both our parents. The recent humanist funeral of a close friend whose death came too quickly and too early was led by a celebrant, who was a great help to our friends wife and children in planning and conducting the service.

Of course it's up to the deceased and their loved ones what kind of service/no service takes place but I did not feel over charged by the Co-op, rather I felt relieved the member of staff involved was a calm, helpful presence when we were in the early stages of grief.

I believe that if you wish to be buried in your garden, that is not a problem, but the burial place has to be registered with some authority (local council maybe) BUT, that registration means that when you sell it will be found in searches and may put buyers off. There is a house near us that has exactly that problem, the for sale/sold signs go up and down like a fiddlers elbow.

I can second your post Iam64. At a recent family funeral we felt only gratitude to the undertakers for their caring advice and support, and to the lovely vicar who conducted the service. Even though none of the family are churchgoers, she made it a personal and very fitting occasion and a lovely tribute to our family member.

I have only skimmed through this as I don't particularly want reminding of my own age and not too far off demise. It is very important to make sure that at least your family know your wishes and are not left knowing what to do. I have stressed to my D I do not want a "public funeral". Just her my s and the older GC. I do not think she will entirely go along with that when the time comes but , knowing that, I am not bothered at all, she must do what she wishes. If she would feel uncomfortable not allowing family and close friends to attend, so be it. She knows that I won't haunt her if she does it "her way" but she also knows a eulogy is a no-no. I have sat at too many funerals wondering who is being spoken of, and thinking, after all these years I never knew that.

I agree, annsixty, Have also just skimmed over this.
Jingle, like your idea, opt out of death! If you had reasonable health - think of all the changes you would see.
When all is said and done though, you won't know anything about it so let your family do it their way.

Some of my family are getting on a bit, or live at the other end of the country, so attending a funeral would be a major upheaval for them. So no, I don't think it would be selfish to do without a funeral. Quite the opposite. But nearest and dearest could make the scattering of the ashes a comforting little ceremony to say goodbye.

A gentleman near us has buried his wife in their garden (it's quite a big garden) and apparently there are few rules and regulations. However he was advised to let the police know as a neighbour might jump to the wrong conclusions. Obviously I didn't ask but what will,happen one day when he is not around and the house goes for sale. I don't think many people would want a stranger buried in their garden.

My Mil died shortly after her 90th birthday, having outlived her friends. She was very anti-religion and we had a humanist service, where the celebrant asked us each to write a funny story we remembered about MiL to recount. We sat in a small cosy group and laughed at the wonderful memories we had shared over the years. So much better than the normal impersonal religious service.

I had a humanist wedding ceremony and not having heard of this organisation before my parents both opted for a humanist funeral - a non secular celebration of their lives with a favourite poem and music. Some of their friends went on to opt for the same sort of service for their families. Here is a link for you humanism.org.uk/ceremonies/

I recently went to a funeral service without a body, as my friend had donated her body to science. It was a bit odd not to have that focal point, but it just went through the usual Anglican service. Then we repaired to the church hall and chatted about Janet and her life. Didn't feel much different.

It's up to the live person to make the choice, I would be very cross if I ended up in a church service. Still cant decide cremation vs woodland burial. Whatever, it's important to let people know your wishes, preferably while you are still very much alive.