Leaving children on their own - did you ever?

We never left our two, I would panic too much. But children in our day - I am 70 - were encouraged to be much more independent. Like a lot id grans I was catching buses from about 6 years old. Going to Saturday cinema, shopping for my mother - a stone of potatoes with 3d for sweets as a bribe! and spending hours out playing - my parents could only have had a vague idea where I was as we would travel all over the place especially on our bikes. They were glorious times.

I, like many of my friends were quite happy to park our babies,in their prams (not buggies), outside local shops while we went in to do a shop and have a chat. It never occurred to any of us that they would come to harm - as long as the brake was on the pram!

If you ever visited Butlins they ran a 'baby listening' service whereby if you went into the evening entertainment and put your children to bed then people would walk round, listen at the door of your chalet and if your child was crying a notice would be flashed on screen saying 'child crying in chalet ??' You would then obviously go back. We used the service, everybody there did it and nobody thought it was wrong. Did anybody else do it?

Grannyknot, sorry for the delay in replying - out all day yesterday.

Government legislation aimed at getting single parents out to work - not an evil in itself - has changed rapidly in recent years.

My ex left in very traumatic circumstances when my 4 children were aged 6-14. Not long after we had to leave our home too. I was working a handful of hours at the time, but thankfully my boss increased these to 20 hours per week so that I could qualify for working family tax credits. It was a term-time job so thankfully I did not have the added anxiety of childcare in the holidays. However, this was at a time when single parents were not under any pressure to look for work until their youngest was 16. Now they are expected to look for work when their youngest starts school. The number of jobs - and bosses - that are sympathetic to the need for flexible working hours are limited and most working parents still have to arrange childcare in the school holidays. I feel I was very fortunate, but life could have been so much harder under current government expectations.

The point I was trying to make is that as a family with only one parent in place, I think it is very hard for all concerned if that parent has to work hours that don't fit with supporting family life. To my mind, the children are already at a disadvantage and to have the single parent absent through work needs from an early age is to my mind, sad all round.

So much depends on individual circumstances. I am not work shy - after a year I went to uni and a bit further down the line I trained to be a teacher. However, I paced these developments with the needs of my family and I had the choice to. Many single parents today won't have that choice, will have to take work where they can and will have to juggle childcare needs in the holidays from very early on.

Society is so used to working parents and everything seems so money driven, perhaps we don't stop and think of what makes for a happy child and a happy home enough. I made a conscious decision to 'be there' and that did mean being hard up, but I don't have any regrets.

Standards have definitely changed over the past two generations. When I was young in the sixties we were allowed infinite freedom from an early age and made our own way to and from school. We were warned to keep away from 'strange men' but not monitored much beyond that. My mother worked and, in the school holidays, I roamed far and wide on my bike exploring and learning about the world. My DH says the same about his youth and, at one point, he'd get on buses and go as far as he could. As well as this he used to cycle up a long, isolated, private concrete road into the countryside without anyone knowing where he was. My old Head of Department told tales of running across a canal pipe where he could easily have fallen and drowned.

However, the country seemed (and probably was ) safer then and no harm came to any of us. We became independent and resilient and learned far more about the world than our own children did.

Today it is very different. We are aware of what the 'strange men' get up to and the internet has given them confidence and power and has encouraged them to go out and seek victims. My own children were NEVER left on their own in the house or outside it. When my daughter was 14 she had a hissy fit and ran off. I think the ten minutes she was missing were the longest of my life. Nevertheless, from the children being the age of about ten we used to encourage growing independence and allowed them to visit the green to play or to walk to friends or do errands at the shop over the road. Mobile phones helped considerably for checking up and checking in purposes. Children need to learn how to be independent, responsible and sensible.

As to the degree of independence allowed and the timing of it, it is up to the maturity and sense of the individual child. Mine were sassy and outspoken and we used to joke that if anyone kidnapped them they'd be back on our doorsteps in half an hour with a ransom offered to take them back.

But it's not a joking subject, really and I was a hypocrite about mine as, while I think a degree of discretion should be allowed to parents in leaving their children, I never, ever did.

I left mine as teenagers to vist DH in the US where he was working. It was arranged that their Grandmother should come and take over. She arrived and went home after 2 days as the girls were managing very well indeed - and enjoying it- and she felt quite useless.
They were always very mature and sensible and now often leave their children as they know how good it is to be responsible for yourself and to learn how to get on without parents.

Willow500 your post made me feel so sad. It might not have done you any harm, but you certainly remember these occasions very clearly and no wonder. I would hate for my grandchildren to be shrugging off unpleasant memories like these when they are my age as not mattering. Of course it matters when a child is left to feel unhappy or afraid.