Leaving children on their own - did you ever?

Willow500 your post made me feel so sad. It might not have done you any harm, but you certainly remember these occasions very clearly and no wonder. I would hate for my grandchildren to be shrugging off unpleasant memories like these when they are my age as not mattering. Of course it matters when a child is left to feel unhappy or afraid.

I left mine as teenagers to vist DH in the US where he was working. It was arranged that their Grandmother should come and take over. She arrived and went home after 2 days as the girls were managing very well indeed - and enjoying it- and she felt quite useless.
They were always very mature and sensible and now often leave their children as they know how good it is to be responsible for yourself and to learn how to get on without parents.

Standards have definitely changed over the past two generations. When I was young in the sixties we were allowed infinite freedom from an early age and made our own way to and from school. We were warned to keep away from 'strange men' but not monitored much beyond that. My mother worked and, in the school holidays, I roamed far and wide on my bike exploring and learning about the world. My DH says the same about his youth and, at one point, he'd get on buses and go as far as he could. As well as this he used to cycle up a long, isolated, private concrete road into the countryside without anyone knowing where he was. My old Head of Department told tales of running across a canal pipe where he could easily have fallen and drowned.

However, the country seemed (and probably was ) safer then and no harm came to any of us. We became independent and resilient and learned far more about the world than our own children did.

Today it is very different. We are aware of what the 'strange men' get up to and the internet has given them confidence and power and has encouraged them to go out and seek victims. My own children were NEVER left on their own in the house or outside it. When my daughter was 14 she had a hissy fit and ran off. I think the ten minutes she was missing were the longest of my life. Nevertheless, from the children being the age of about ten we used to encourage growing independence and allowed them to visit the green to play or to walk to friends or do errands at the shop over the road. Mobile phones helped considerably for checking up and checking in purposes. Children need to learn how to be independent, responsible and sensible.

As to the degree of independence allowed and the timing of it, it is up to the maturity and sense of the individual child. Mine were sassy and outspoken and we used to joke that if anyone kidnapped them they'd be back on our doorsteps in half an hour with a ransom offered to take them back.

But it's not a joking subject, really and I was a hypocrite about mine as, while I think a degree of discretion should be allowed to parents in leaving their children, I never, ever did.

Grannyknot, sorry for the delay in replying - out all day yesterday.

Government legislation aimed at getting single parents out to work - not an evil in itself - has changed rapidly in recent years.

My ex left in very traumatic circumstances when my 4 children were aged 6-14. Not long after we had to leave our home too. I was working a handful of hours at the time, but thankfully my boss increased these to 20 hours per week so that I could qualify for working family tax credits. It was a term-time job so thankfully I did not have the added anxiety of childcare in the holidays. However, this was at a time when single parents were not under any pressure to look for work until their youngest was 16. Now they are expected to look for work when their youngest starts school. The number of jobs - and bosses - that are sympathetic to the need for flexible working hours are limited and most working parents still have to arrange childcare in the school holidays. I feel I was very fortunate, but life could have been so much harder under current government expectations.

The point I was trying to make is that as a family with only one parent in place, I think it is very hard for all concerned if that parent has to work hours that don't fit with supporting family life. To my mind, the children are already at a disadvantage and to have the single parent absent through work needs from an early age is to my mind, sad all round.

So much depends on individual circumstances. I am not work shy - after a year I went to uni and a bit further down the line I trained to be a teacher. However, I paced these developments with the needs of my family and I had the choice to. Many single parents today won't have that choice, will have to take work where they can and will have to juggle childcare needs in the holidays from very early on.

Society is so used to working parents and everything seems so money driven, perhaps we don't stop and think of what makes for a happy child and a happy home enough. I made a conscious decision to 'be there' and that did mean being hard up, but I don't have any regrets.

If you ever visited Butlins they ran a 'baby listening' service whereby if you went into the evening entertainment and put your children to bed then people would walk round, listen at the door of your chalet and if your child was crying a notice would be flashed on screen saying 'child crying in chalet ??' You would then obviously go back. We used the service, everybody there did it and nobody thought it was wrong. Did anybody else do it?

I, like many of my friends were quite happy to park our babies,in their prams (not buggies), outside local shops while we went in to do a shop and have a chat. It never occurred to any of us that they would come to harm - as long as the brake was on the pram!

We never left our two, I would panic too much. But children in our day - I am 70 - were encouraged to be much more independent. Like a lot id grans I was catching buses from about 6 years old. Going to Saturday cinema, shopping for my mother - a stone of potatoes with 3d for sweets as a bribe! and spending hours out playing - my parents could only have had a vague idea where I was as we would travel all over the place especially on our bikes. They were glorious times.

I remember I used to babysit from the age of 13 for our neighbours but my mom was only over the road if I needed her. My children also started babysitting for our neighbours from the age of 13 but new I was near by if the needed help. I think children grow up far to fast these days.

Lol Jalima - I'm originally from up north - I must harder I didn't add that the fire I was sitting at the side of was a coal one and I was sat on the hearth! The more I think about it there were other instances of how different things used to be. When I was 12 I got a job looking after a 2 year old on a Saturday as her mum ran a guest house and Saturday was changeover day. I used to take her to dancing class then for a drink in the local cafe. The following year I was working for her actually cleaning the bedroom sinks and waiting on the tables. Worked ever since! All stood me in good stead I'm sure.

f77ms, this was before or during the war - I suppose a single parent then didn't have much choice!

Actually, I just looked up when Psycho came out - so I must have been younger

Willow I remember watching Psycho at the cinema with a friend when I was about 18. When we got off the bus she went one way home and I had to go the other - I ran all the way home only to find mum and dad were out. I then ran to my aunt's house because I was still scared! DP were there, having a jolly evening and thought it was very funny.

Fanny Craddock sounds like Mother of the year ! It doesn`t sound right to me to leave a toddler locked in a room while I go out !

I had a kjey to the house from age seven. I remember leaving it in the teachers drawer for PE and forgetting to take it home. preumably my mum was in or I did my trick of wandering off to friend's houses.

if my children are behaving well, I will leave them in the hall or foyer while I go down to the bin two flights down. I can hear them. they are 7 and 9. I would not yet go down to the garage, which is down two flights and across a forecourt. they stay in the car while I pay for petrol but I can see them.

I always thought you couldn't (legally) leave children under 12 with anyone less than 16 years of age. Does anyone else remember this? Or have I somehow made it up...?

As others have said, it was all very different when we had our children, let alone when we were young ourselves. I remember reading a biography - may have been Fanny Craddock - who as a young single parent left her toddler locked in their rented room while she went to work.

No-one would recommend that, but if you never let children take responsibility for looking after themselves they will never learn to do it. And missdeke makes a valid point - if they are old enough to get married at 16, it must be a nonsense to say they can't be left on their own well before that.

We played out all the time from about 5, there being quite a few children of the same age in the street. Mothers didn't work, as a rule. I would go to the local shop for cigarettes for my mother at about the same age. We all used to hang around in a loose gang, and play in the river or roam the hillsides. I can't remember ever being taken to school.

DD didn't go to school alone/with friends until she was 10 (15 minute walk; urban area). She would go to the local park with one of her more adventurous friends from the age of about 8. Generally, though, kids weren't allowed to play out/ go anywhere independently until they were around 11, or even older.

We have a massive park on our doorstep and you very rarely see kids there on their own.

And we used to go out on our bikes for the whole day ( or seems like it) to the park, the allotments, the bomb sites etc. My children played outside with the neighbourhood kids and I can remember having to go outside with a torch to find my daughter in the dark who was on her roller skates.

I used to walk to school from the age of 5 with my brother and sister aged 7 and 9 and no one thought that a problem. I also used to put my 2 eldest children from the age of 8 and 10 on the train at Kings Cross to be met by my parents at Leeds, I asked the guard to keep an eye on them.

I was once tempted to leave the baby sleeping in order to pop to the corner shop two minutes away. I asked a friend if she would do this and she said no, because you could have an accident whilst out, so I never did.

I was a latchkey child from the age of around 9 to 12 (there were several of us at my primary school with front door keys on a length of tape round our necks!), and my own DD was from 11 onwards.

I couldn't afford not to work full time as a single mum, those who were able to stay at home and still manage to pay the mortgage or rent were very lucky. We did have kind neighbours and the woman opposite who had a slightly younger daughter were always available if DD needed help, but she was and is very sensible and resourceful.

My two GDs aged 9 are very far from an age when they could be left on their own, which is probably a sign of the times. They go to the after-school club when necessary - of course we didn't have those in my day!

We left our two DDs, age 8 and 4, on their own in a field, in our caravan, while we went for an evening stroll down the lane.

When we got back they had completely cleaned the biscuit tin out!

In the mid 60s, we`d go to a neighbours house every other Saturday evening, leaving our then three children in bed, but every half hour we took it in turns to pop back and see that they were alright. We never went out without a baby sitter until the eldest (of 5) was 12 years old, but the first time we did, we were on pins all the time, and went home after an hour! I did send them to the shop around the corner from being 3, and they played out on the street from the age of 18 months, but back then it seemed a lot safer, and there were lots of kids around, ours weren`t on their own.

What different experiences everyone has, so interesting.
Being the youngest of 4 (with a 16 year gap) I always had older siblings around.
But I do remember taking neighbour's babies or toddlers out in pram or pushchair - I was under 10 years old then. ! The neighbours were always so grateful as well, bit I was on my own.
I'd push the prams around the local streets for an hour or so, stopping to chat to friends. I remember taking a friend's young brother (a toddler) to the park in his pram and putting him on the children's swing.
I was a 'sensible' girl, but my goodness I would be horrified at that happening nowadays.
It seems like a world away when I think of it.

I travelled to school, alone on the bus from age 6. I used to play out with friends, often quite far from home a long time before I went to school.

My mother worked as a nurse and my father worked nights, so my younger sister and I were unsupervised three days a week while our Dad was sleeping, though we could wake him if it was an emergency.