20 month old granddaughter doesn't like me!

I do think that the parents can make the bond better between their children and grandparents. If this sort of thing happens then the parents/parent could sit on the floor with child and granny and play and if the child sees that the parent accepts this person, then they will come to trust too.

My DGS was playing with my brother, hide and seek, (my brother was shattered!) but my DD said "last time now, they have to go soon" DGS said "can this one stay?" pointing to my brother.DD burst out laughing. It was funny, but I was hurt too. Maybe she should have said to him that that wasn't nice and Granny had come a long way to visit too. Anyway, brushed under carpet or wood floors these days! lol

Danericbob Maybe you could get some finger puppets and use them on facetime so that her attention is distracted from you a little but will slowly get used to you having fun with her over the internet? And ask her mummy or daddy to play alongside with you when you visit. It's all about trust, as with any relationship. Please don't take it too much to heart. It will get better with time.

Hopefully the therapist will be able to discover why you have these feelings when not instantly loved by a small child.
I wouldn't worry about it because you are there for the long term so you have plenty of time in your side. I think you need the laid back approach. I thought the story of rubylady's DGS saying 'can this one stay?' very funny and wouldn't have expected the parent to have waded in saying it wasn't kind to granny, I don't think a small child has the maturity to connect wanting an uncle to stay to meaning Granny can go. At that age it tends to be a novelty if they get a man playing.
You need to go with the child's personality. I didn't like being hugged as a child or adults too much in my space. I adored one of my grandfathers and was his shadow apparently, but that was just because he talked to me and showed me things.

Why should your granddaughter like you unless she finds you likeable? It's not automatic just because you happen to be related. Let her find her own way and, if you are likeable (which from your OP seems very likely), she'll like you – eventually.

I have had a reread of your post last evening.
I think I got a bit of the wrong end of the stick.

I am glad that you know that your reaction is irrational.
I suspect, for what it is worth, that stuff has happened, may be a lot earlier in your life, to make you feel the way that you are feeling about this issue.
Rejection? Abandonment?

I do think that your daughter in law and son have been very generous in having you at their house for at least one week a month.
Saying this kindly, I think that that is a bit much for them, and may be you?

Love Rubylady's idea of finger puppets on Facetime. Could be a huge success.

I don't think it's got anything to do with liking or not. Little'uns can have a funny take on things.

You could take this behaviour entirely the other way, that she is confident enough in your love that she feels she can express her feelings. Children often do this to their mum, particularly when a new baby arrives, so it isn't just GPs who are treated to aggressive behaviour. You are blaming her behaviour on the other grandparents, but I think there is a younger sister, perhaps she is just showing someone that she is put out by this. Stay calm and loving I'm sure she will come round.

Just wondering if you are in the UK or in the States, danericbob. I ask because you seem eager to rush to therapy for something which would normally need a common sense approach.

There is lots of good, sensible advice on here. I do hope you can deal with your feelings of rejection and realise that she is just a very little person who, as mishap says, is still trying to make sense of the world.
Who knows, the other granny may be 'cuddly' granny but you could become the one who is 'fun' granny who does interesting things with her as she grows up.

DGD2 age seems to prefer DH at the moment when she is here, even though I do most things with her! (Although she did tell me I was her best friend the other week. )

Age 3!

rosequartz, have PM'd you.

Sorry for the brief hijack everyone!

Agree with all the sensible advice here. Step back from it if you can, play with her but leave the huggy stuff for now. I am sure she will change - babies and toddlers are constantly changing, challenging and exploring themselves and their relationships with others, whether they are your children or grandchildren. Hope your hurt eases. That must feel unbearable at times.

I would stand back and let her come to me eventually. Maybe sit on the sofa with an attractive-looking book which she might want to investigate, or get down on the floor and build a tower with bricks - Lego Duplo? If she comes and kicks it over, that's a breakthrough. Think how intrigued a toddler will be when she sees an adult doing kids' stuff!

I would advocate sticking your head in a magazine, or your tablet, when you visit. Ignore her. It will work just as well as any effort you put in, and make you less exhausted than you can so easily get from trying too hard.

Yes, ignore her and do something interesting that she wants to join in with. Let her chase you.

And some little ones do tend to hit, bite, scratch if anyone invades their space apart from DP, and anyone they see very often.

Rubylady - you said maybe she (DIL) should have said that wasn't nice and Granny has come a long way .....
That's what I thought too, and now I wonder if it's something their parents said that they've absorbed.
Not that I don't like my DIL but they lead a stressful life and do raise their voices a lot!

Adding to above - the main thing is that they stay strong as a family.

There is no point in telling a toddler that 'Granny has come a long way' since she has probably no concept of 'a long way' and you can't expect altruism at that age. Not sure when altruism kicks in, but it certainly isn't at 20 months.

Quite right, anno
Although when they get to about 2 they can seem to have some empathy if you physically hurt yourself as they are beginning to realise that a scrape or bump can have consequences.
However, I don't think they understand hurt feelings even at 2.
Certainly not long distances.

Thanks again everyone. I have only one more visit planned. A very brief one in February before the nanny starts. I never go there uninvited. They beg me to go. Up until now they needed my help. I'm retired (my husband is not) and I love taking care of them all. After this visit I'm sure it will be very sporadic. They visit us once in the summer and at Christmas.

I do get down on the floor and play, read books, tickle, etc. I reiterate that I'm very aware that my hurt feelings are not normal. I'm also aware that at her age she has no idea what she's doing and why. I don't know about the rest of you but I can't control my feelings irrational or not. I'm going to have to deal maturely with the fact that anytime the other grandparents are around that my husband and I are going to be ignored. My first reaction is to stay away but then I'd be missing birthday parties, etc. I'm not "blaming" the other grandparents, it's just the way it is. I didn't expect it to be so exaggerated. My husband, who is very rational and even tempered, noticed it as well but he lets it roll off his back. He does empathize with me as he knows how much I love these children.

Last night during facetime she was much more engaged. I notice the difference when they FaceTime me vs.the other grandparents. With them it's a visit; with me they just put the screen facing her and go about their business.

Thank you, thank you...for reading and advising.

Don't not go - it will only make it worse as you will be more of a stranger.

I wonder if this Facetime thing is causing the problem, if your Facetime is different to the other grandparents? Danericbob; I'm being very irrational/oversensitive about a family issue at the moment so don't think it's just you .

Something just clicked due to a few comments! I think that the interactions with me and my husband vs the other grandparents with my granddaughter are totally different. With the others they all do fun stuff; going to the zoo, aquarium, museums, eating out, etc. when I'm there I'm being a "nanny". My daughter and law and son are on their iPhones, computers, doing their own thing while I'm doing the caretaking, cooking, laundry and cleaning, diaper changing. My next visit I'm going to sit and play the entire time and they can get take-out for me! I will hang up on FaceTime if they walk away. It gets tiring looking at a screen of their floor and trying to get her attention with stuffed animals and puppets. My husband has complained about it in the past. He says hi and that's it. I've been there for the other grandparents facetime visits...and they are actual visits. They even get my granddaughter all dressed up! Maybe I'm being a chump? I am not one to sit around, I enjoy being busy and useful but maybe I'm my own worst enemy?? And...most of the exposure to the other grandparents are at the grandparents house...not theirs.

This concept of competition with the "other" grandparents is a route to be avoided at all costs.

My feeling is that children acquire different benefits from each set of grandparents. In the case of one set of our GC we could not be more different from the other set of GPs - we are from different backgrounds entirely with very different approaches to lfe - but how good it is for the GC to see and experience that and to have that diversity as part of their lives. The "other" GPs see more of the children than we do for various reasons, mostly to do with our health, and we just take that on the chin - all we really want is for the children to be haqppy with or without us. And they are.

Do you know, Danericbob, I think you're right. Not about being a chump, but about somehow being seen differently by your granddaughter. When I mind my DGS2, twice a week, I don't do any of the housework or cooking. My DD2 and SIL are very appreciative that I'm looking after him, and leave lovely meals for the two of us that just need heating up. They tell me off - nicely! - if I unpack the dishwasher even. When DGS2 has a nap, I sit back and relax, have a nap or watch the telly, read, spend a couple of hours browing Gransnet etc. When he's awake we have fun together. So (I think!) he looks forward to my going and I always get a lovely welcome. It seems to me that your family, probably quite without realising it, are expecting too much from you, and should just let you be grandma.

Or from what you say in your last post, perhaps you're expecting too much from yourself, and should just let yourself be grandma!