20 month old granddaughter doesn't like me!

It took a long time for my GD to like me.

She would actually scream when she saw me - but now she's my little sweetie pie, age nearly 4 and loves Nan, nan's house and everything about nan.

I took it slowly, tried not to get upset etc., It was so bad at one point that when I picked her up from Nursery when she was about 18 months old she screamed and screamed. The Nursery nurses were surprised and I had to say
"She is my grand daughter honestly."

My DH and I felt like Child Snatchers.

Now we are the best of friends and she dances with joy when she sees me.

DD has just messaged me to say that I may have been ignored all weekend, but DGD did a drawing of me at playschool. So the thought was there.

My daughter had to go away this weekend. It's the first time she's stayed away overnight since the eldest was a baby so neither of the children had been in that situation before. I nearly offered to have them here for a few hours or go over and give my SIL a bit of a break but then thought that they'd associate me with mummy being away and somehow subconsiously blame me in some way because I always seem to be the one that's with them when they really want mum or dad there.

I saw mine this weekend and was totally ignored! But that was fine by me - I had more time to talk to DD. The other grandma is in charge of DGD three days a week, so is the 'alternative Mummy'. I am, I think, the equivalent of a good friend of Mummy's. She won't understand the relationship until she is older, her brother does and is fine but then he is six. Other Grandma had DGD clinging to her all weekend like a little monkey as she didn't feel well from a bad cold. Other Grandma couldn't eat or do anything on her own, she was preferred even to DD, and I was more than happy with that! Much as I love them, I do prefer to take them out and do fun things than sit and babysit all day. I would hate it. I manage maybe an hour a day when they stay with me of full-on game playing. I like to teach them how to do things. But I quite like it when they are entertaining themselves and leaving me alone.

I think Other Grandma is a saint. I love her to bits for helping DD so much, and like her very much.

Yay!
My recalcitrant little g'daughter came for cuddles today. I held her and we had a little us moment.

Progress indeed.

My dear little DGD (15 months) sat on my lap yesterday, smiled at me then smacked me round the face, I told her NO that's naughty, she then slapped the other cheek (not hard but testing me) I sat her on the floor away from me and told her again. Ten minutes later she went to her changing table, and asked to be lifted up, I lifted her onto it she took my face in both hands and gave me five kissed on the lips. I melted, although she won't get away with smacking grandma in the future.

I think that "shoes on now" thing KatyK's friend got would have really finished me off! Mine have never been quite that bad!

The situation is going to change after february.
Then hopefully you can be more a grandma and less a nanny.
Perhaps your grandchild has got confused about who you really are.

It really hurts, though when members of a family are treated differently, and you're the one that feels under appreciated. I know sometimes grandparents do turn it into a popularity contest but it isn't always the case.

Stop 'taking care of them' and allow them to be adults.Don't try too hard with your grand-daughter.She will come around eventually.Not all kids like being kissed [ I used to hate it, as I feared the lipstick sticking to me!]
My own daughter used to scream her head off when her Daddy came home from work [what a reception for him] but that phase soon passed.
The thing is, we all want our grand-children to feel the same love for us as we do for them, but it won't happen, not until they are teenagers at least.

Or from what you say in your last post, perhaps you're expecting too much from yourself, and should just let yourself be grandma!

Do you know, Danericbob, I think you're right. Not about being a chump, but about somehow being seen differently by your granddaughter. When I mind my DGS2, twice a week, I don't do any of the housework or cooking. My DD2 and SIL are very appreciative that I'm looking after him, and leave lovely meals for the two of us that just need heating up. They tell me off - nicely! - if I unpack the dishwasher even. When DGS2 has a nap, I sit back and relax, have a nap or watch the telly, read, spend a couple of hours browing Gransnet etc. When he's awake we have fun together. So (I think!) he looks forward to my going and I always get a lovely welcome. It seems to me that your family, probably quite without realising it, are expecting too much from you, and should just let you be grandma.

This concept of competition with the "other" grandparents is a route to be avoided at all costs.

My feeling is that children acquire different benefits from each set of grandparents. In the case of one set of our GC we could not be more different from the other set of GPs - we are from different backgrounds entirely with very different approaches to lfe - but how good it is for the GC to see and experience that and to have that diversity as part of their lives. The "other" GPs see more of the children than we do for various reasons, mostly to do with our health, and we just take that on the chin - all we really want is for the children to be haqppy with or without us. And they are.

Something just clicked due to a few comments! I think that the interactions with me and my husband vs the other grandparents with my granddaughter are totally different. With the others they all do fun stuff; going to the zoo, aquarium, museums, eating out, etc. when I'm there I'm being a "nanny". My daughter and law and son are on their iPhones, computers, doing their own thing while I'm doing the caretaking, cooking, laundry and cleaning, diaper changing. My next visit I'm going to sit and play the entire time and they can get take-out for me! I will hang up on FaceTime if they walk away. It gets tiring looking at a screen of their floor and trying to get her attention with stuffed animals and puppets. My husband has complained about it in the past. He says hi and that's it. I've been there for the other grandparents facetime visits...and they are actual visits. They even get my granddaughter all dressed up! Maybe I'm being a chump? I am not one to sit around, I enjoy being busy and useful but maybe I'm my own worst enemy?? And...most of the exposure to the other grandparents are at the grandparents house...not theirs.

I wonder if this Facetime thing is causing the problem, if your Facetime is different to the other grandparents? Danericbob; I'm being very irrational/oversensitive about a family issue at the moment so don't think it's just you .

Don't not go - it will only make it worse as you will be more of a stranger.

Thanks again everyone. I have only one more visit planned. A very brief one in February before the nanny starts. I never go there uninvited. They beg me to go. Up until now they needed my help. I'm retired (my husband is not) and I love taking care of them all. After this visit I'm sure it will be very sporadic. They visit us once in the summer and at Christmas.

I do get down on the floor and play, read books, tickle, etc. I reiterate that I'm very aware that my hurt feelings are not normal. I'm also aware that at her age she has no idea what she's doing and why. I don't know about the rest of you but I can't control my feelings irrational or not. I'm going to have to deal maturely with the fact that anytime the other grandparents are around that my husband and I are going to be ignored. My first reaction is to stay away but then I'd be missing birthday parties, etc. I'm not "blaming" the other grandparents, it's just the way it is. I didn't expect it to be so exaggerated. My husband, who is very rational and even tempered, noticed it as well but he lets it roll off his back. He does empathize with me as he knows how much I love these children.

Last night during facetime she was much more engaged. I notice the difference when they FaceTime me vs.the other grandparents. With them it's a visit; with me they just put the screen facing her and go about their business.

Thank you, thank you...for reading and advising.

Quite right, anno
Although when they get to about 2 they can seem to have some empathy if you physically hurt yourself as they are beginning to realise that a scrape or bump can have consequences.
However, I don't think they understand hurt feelings even at 2.
Certainly not long distances.

There is no point in telling a toddler that 'Granny has come a long way' since she has probably no concept of 'a long way' and you can't expect altruism at that age. Not sure when altruism kicks in, but it certainly isn't at 20 months.

Adding to above - the main thing is that they stay strong as a family.

Rubylady - you said maybe she (DIL) should have said that wasn't nice and Granny has come a long way .....
That's what I thought too, and now I wonder if it's something their parents said that they've absorbed.
Not that I don't like my DIL but they lead a stressful life and do raise their voices a lot!

And some little ones do tend to hit, bite, scratch if anyone invades their space apart from DP, and anyone they see very often.

Yes, ignore her and do something interesting that she wants to join in with. Let her chase you.

I would advocate sticking your head in a magazine, or your tablet, when you visit. Ignore her. It will work just as well as any effort you put in, and make you less exhausted than you can so easily get from trying too hard.

I would stand back and let her come to me eventually. Maybe sit on the sofa with an attractive-looking book which she might want to investigate, or get down on the floor and build a tower with bricks - Lego Duplo? If she comes and kicks it over, that's a breakthrough. Think how intrigued a toddler will be when she sees an adult doing kids' stuff!