20 month old granddaughter doesn't like me!

Wise words... sometimes easier to write than abide by, eh?

She can't express herself in any other way.

Therapy to deal with this seems a bit extreme to me - common sense and understanding of what the child wants rather than your own wants and needs could work wonders!

Thanks everyone! They reason I chose to go to therapy is because it makes me so upset and I know it's irrational. I visit for at least a week every month or so. We do facetime often. This didn't start until this last visit when the other grandmother came. I understand that maternal grandmothers are typically closer. She lives about 2 1/2 hours away so the kids visit them at least once a month. Those grandparents don't vist as often as I do but get to see them more frequently. They are always on FaceTime with them and probably 1/2 as much with me. I accept that daughters and mothers are closer. I was just startled by the intense reaction my granddaughter had to me as soon as the other grandmother showed up. She was pushing me out of the way and cried even if I looked at her. My granddaughter is a very loving, cuddly child and was that way with me prior to the other grandma's visit. I returned after a week or so and the hitting and pushing me out of the way (if I sat on the floor with her or even in th couch next to her) continued. My daughter in law witnessed the behavior and was really shocked. She reprimanded her as did my son. I definitely give her space and try not to upset her. I stayed in the kitchen and cooked and cleaned most of the time I was there just to not upset her. It sounds crazy but I feel better reading your reponses..,thank you thank you

Small children change constantly, preferring one parent for weeks and pushing the other away. My littlest grandchildren won't let me do anything for them if a parent is present but are very happy when left with me.
Op's baby grandchild will be a different person in 6 months time.
The worst changes happen when children start school, when they undergo a total personality change.

I agree...that's why I decided to see a prifessional.

She cries when the facetime me and doesn't want to talk.

So this has only happened once, and you want to go to therapy?
Am I understanding that correctly?

I think you are overreacting which I think you realise.

It must have been a shock.
But also I think you are overreacting to the maternal/paternal grandparent bit [though I am not a grandparent so I will leave others to say about that part].

Just read your reply, Daneric and was shocked to see you visit for a week each month. Surely that's way way way too much? I wonder your daughter in law is still speaking to you! Would you want a visitor in your house for a quarter of your life?
Step back and let your son and family get on with things on their own!

Hard to say what's going on in her head, isn't it. She hasn't ever been taken away by someone else has she...I just mean being taken to a friends house while you DIL has an appointment somewhere and thinks you're going to take her away. It does make more sense as to why you're so upset now you've explained it fully. I was really upset when my grandson said he was bored as I try to make his visits here really interesting and the alternative would be for him to go to nursery after school club instead . I did realise I was silly to take it so personally but I couldn't help it.

My Dgd and dgs, both 8, are polar opposites. Dgs from very tiny was a huggy, snuggly child. He still is and I'm his cushion to lean against when he's watching TV at our house and I know a lot about football and rugby now! Dgd has always been very self contained, self possessed....the child with an old soul. Not huggy at all but we do loads of craft projects together, next week we're making honey lip scrub (!) and we've just finished making finger puppets for baby cousin. Tonight she asked for a hug as well. We just take them both as they are and love them.

I would think that you are just trying too hard and expecting too much.
I remember when mine were small there were some people where I had to explain that they needed to leave them alone and give them space and time.

Get a book she likes, sit down on the floor and start reading it aloud, as if you were reading it to yourself.

Now, just in case anyone says that is too young for books,I was laid up (as in even having to use a commode ) with sciatica when DS2 was only 8 months old, my mother had to move in to help. The only thing that I could do with him (apart from very awkward attempts to cuddle!) was look at a book with him after his lunch and before bed.

OK, it was limited to "Where's Spot?" and "Whats in the Jungle, let's find out" but he loved it. When anyone picked up these books and started reading aloud, he crawled over to them, just so as to be able to see the pictures.

I think maybe you have to remember that she is not a favourite toy that the other grandmother has taken away from you. She is a little person with her own fears.

If she cries at you facetiming her, then maybe she associates your face with you being a bit too pushy wanting her to be kissy-cuddly when she didn't want to. It can be overwhelming for a small child when a large person gives them unwanted hugs.

Back off a bit, and cut down a bit on the one week in four visits too. Have interesting toys and bits and pieces for her to see when you do see her, and let her chase you, instead of you chasing her. Relax about it. If you are uptight and tense, she will feel it. It will come right with a little time and patience.

I suspect you may be unhappy already, about something else, and that is why it upsets you so much that you feel you need therapy. If you do go that route, your therapists will get you talking about your life as a whole, and may lay bare other areas of tension - and clear them up.

When DD1 was returning from a work trip with serious jet lag I was helping out with the children. Because they knew mum was there but asleep behind closed doors they sat with backs to the door glaring at me. Nothing , nothing I could do to get them to move . And if looks could kill.... Fortunately DD woke up at their lunch time so they came to the table. When I called the older child darling she said I'm not your darling. They were three and one. They are very loving and sweet nowadays. Don't worryOP it will pass

One of my GDs was like this, she wouldn't look at me or anyone who wasn't her mum till she was about 2.5, she used to hide behind her mums legs and cry if mum was out of the room. I just played a waiting game, just blowing her a kiss and asking her to show me her toys whilst mum was still there, not getting in her face, remembering one of mine was a incredibly clingy at the same age. She is now 7 and a delight, still a bit shy with new people, but happily stays with me and moans about going home!

they are so changeable at that age, your little one will probably be totally different the next time you see her.

My DGD as a child used to scream at the sight of me. I loved her to bits but couldn't get near her. She is now a lovely young lady who hugs me to death always wants to sit with me and is absolutely delightful. We are very close.

Don't worry, just be kind to her and bide your time.

Thanks (mostly) everyone for your support and understanding.

My two at that age were both very suspicious of me, which I think is quite healthy. I kept my distance. They stay with me (with their parents) three times a year for a week at a time, and by the end of each visit they were friendly but not huggy. When they got to three, things changed. Not overly huggy, but they would sidle on to my lap if they wanted a story. They were cared for by their other grandma for three days a week for a while, and once she came up too. Only the older one wanted to know me! It was a bit upsetting, but I know that they get very excited when they know they are coming up here to stay, they love it.

They don't hug her either. They just sit on her lap. We both get kissed goodbye, as DD was very affectionate it does feel strange to me, but she says they have always been like it with everyone, very suspicious until they know people well. Just because I am a blood relative, it does not mean that they know me. The six year old is perfectly happy straight away to see me, the three year old takes an hour or so still to settle down and stop glaring at me! I think it's quite funny. I laugh at her and she then relaxes.

One of mine used to cry when he saw his uncle! He was fine once he got a bit older!

I think you are making too much of this and letting it upset you when it should not. I think if you were feeling happier and more confident in yourself you would be able to laugh this off, which is what is needed and what is appropriate.

As adults we need to realise that neither our children nor GC can meet our needs, and we should not want them to.

GC are funny things - they are not aware to start with how much we love them; and we tend to want something in return when we have a lot of love to give. But it does not work like that. She is just a wee lass and you are the adult, and the basis of this problem is that you are taking it personally.

Maybe you need to try and stand back and think it through rationally - she is not old enough to make a conscious decision to dislike someone. If you put yourself in her shoes and try and look at it through her eyes (the eyes of a little human being who has inhabited this world for less than 2 years and is trying to make sense of it) then you will see that she is confused and anxious and needs to be allowed some space.

You do not need her "approval" - she is too young to give it even though you want it.

I hope that your therapist is able to help you to rise above this and ask yourself why you feel that you need this child's affection in order to be happy - this is a bit of a burden for one so young, and if she is able to sense this, then it is not surprising that she is reacting negatively.

Play it cool - as phoenix said, read a book out loud (even if she is not on your lap), get some game going on the other side of the room and one time she will show an interest. Don't hedge her in - give her space to make HER decision to join in.

And yes - one week out of four is too much indeed - my DDs would be driven nuts if I did that!

Leticia snap! My younger one used to howl when he was a baby, whenever his uncle came in the room. Absolutely devoted to him now!

What I have learned from all these replies is: we are not alone.
Patience is the key.
And be your own person.
Thank you for sharing as I too have one of 'those' grandaughters'.

I've always loved a photo of me when I was about three. I had my back turned to the camera, my chin in the air and my hands clasped behind my back.I remember it being taken quite clearly, my mother and grandmother spent ages trying to make me turn round for the camera and I remember being quite determined not to be chivied into doing something I didn't want to! That was all it was - on that occasion I didn't want to do it.

Please don't take this personally as regards the little one Danericbob my 18 month old DGD looks at me and says NO NO NO very firmly, they do go through separation anxiety at this age so it really isn't aimed at you. She probably just wants her mummy or daddy. I really don't take a lot of notice and know that it will pass in time. She is still a baby and they do get very clingy at 18 months or so. Blow raspberries on her tummy, try some 'knee' games, even peepbo, roll a ball to her. Please try not to be too upset. Hugs to you xxx