Re: sisterly affection....don't make me laugh

vampirequeen. You really have not annoyed anyone. Please don't think that is the case.

You understandably needed to vent about your mother and sister's behaviour and our responses have been only to support you as we are angry on your behalf. You do not deserve the treatment either of them are dishing out to you and I hope you understand that but I also hope you find some inner strength to decide, I've had enough grief from these people, family or not and, this time, you be the one to call the shots.

Life is too short and there is no excuse for your mother's or your sister's behaviour. It is time for the worm to turn and sweep out those who are causing you misery.

I don't think my mother even realises she does it. That's why she's so hurt if I do stick up for myself. I can never remember a time when it's not been like this. Long story...complicated childhood.

Did you dad give in to your mum as well?
[you dont have to answer me unless you want to. I would hate to think you would do it because you feel that you must]. But I think you are thankfully able to be yourself on here, so sock it to us if necessary!

I read somewhere that if a person has been conditioned for x number of years, it can take the same number of years to become unconditioned.

Vampire - it is because of this insouciant ability to hurt you that I really do not think you should waste your time trying to "stick up for yourself" when it comes to your mother. You can get out of this lunch without attempting to be challenging or assertive. There are other ways of wriggling out of it.

What does your OH think you should do? - he knows you best and wants the best for you. It is clear that we all think you should avoid it at all costs because it will give you far too much grief that you can do without - but I wonder what his thoughts are.

I'm wondering why your daughters aren't more supportive of you, vampirequeen.

I know you said they didn't tell you about the lunch in case you weren't invited, but don't they realise what your sister and their grandmother are like?

I can understand that you'll feel guilty if you don't go, and will risk being humiliated yet again if you do. I do wish you'd be kinder to yourself, but whatever you decide, we are all behind you and hope you're going to be OK

My dad was obsessed with his job. He had a calming effect on my mum but not much.

I will go because I won't give anyone the chance to say I snubbed my sister. It's hard to explain why I feel the need to prove to others that I'm not snubbing her. I think it's to do with people thinking I'm jealous of her. It's impossible to prove that you're not jealous of someone.

My daughters are creatures of my making. I brought them up to be really close so that they would always have each other to rely on no matter what anyone else did. I knew their dad would always be a total waste of space and for many years I believed he was dying (another long story lol). I decided that it was better for them to rely on each other rather than on me plus I spent a lot of my life protecting them from what what happening between me and their dad.

Although we're close it's not the really close relationship some children have with their parents.

Put on your best smiley face then and don't let the b....rs grind you down .

Does it really matter what "anyone" thinks? Is not your health more important? You need to value your own well-being and be kinder to yourself. You have nothing to prove to these people who really do not matter.

Is OH behind you in this decision?

I am very concerned that you will make yourself ill again - they really are not worth it.

Like you I have suffered with depression for several years, although not as severe as you. I also have a very controlling mother who never ceases to tell me how much better my brother is than I. I understand your need to gain her approval and your wish not to upset her.

If you are determined to attend this lunch is it possible for you to have a word with your daughter beforehand, explain how you are feeling and asking for her support should anything come up during the lunch which could upset you? Sometimes a third person pointing out something is wrong has more affect.

A wise friend once told me not to worry about upsetting people who didn't worry about upsetting me.

Always remember you have an army of supporters behind you on GN

I can see that you are determined to go to lunch with your mother and sister. Just try to visualise this 'army of supporters' standing four square with you and don't let these people hurt you any more.

I can understand what you are hoping to get from your mum.

I am not so sure what you are hoping to get from other people.
The caring what general people think is a waste of time.

A relative of mine used to care. She thought they might be thinking x y and z about her and was trying to stop that. I told her they were not thinking x y and z, but they were thinking a b and c.
She didnt care they were thinking a b and c.

Caring what other people think is certainly a waste of time - what does it matter anyway? And we can only speculate about what they think - we do not know. And if we have low self-esteem we often get it wrong.

What does matter is that we should be as kind as we can, both to others and to ourselves. Putting ourselves through agonies for the sake of what we think others might think is counter-productive and wholly pointless.

Plaster a big smile on your face, if anyone starts then a word of advice from a friend and also from my DD was to just look at them and say 'Really?' 'Oh, really?' 'Oh' and let it wash over your head then turn and chat to someone else. Sit between or opposite your daughters for support.

Is this a farewell lunch before your sister goes back to Australia? You could just keep thinking 'oh well, she'll be 12,000 miles away soon'.

Could you see her off at the airport to make sure she gets on the plane? Then go out for a celebratory meal with your DH.

Just imagine this vast army of supporters behind you. Get through this lunch by spending time with your daughters then wish your sister good luck as she flies back to her miserable life and controlling husband. Then go back home and congratulate yourself on being better than them and be thankful for your fantastic DH who has been so patient and kind and has risen above all the insults that have been aimed at him. Now ask yourself who has the better life, you or your sister?

Is The Lunch today? Now?

I've not had anything to add to the advise already so well expressed so I'm thinking and sending positive thoughts out into the Yorkshire ether. (My mum told me more than once I was a witch - so I'm trying out my powers!)

Thank you for all being there with me.

Lunch was challenging but it's not left me as ill as I was worried it would.

As instructed I arranged for my daughter to pick me up and for DH to collect me. I figured that as lunch was at 1pm and DD had to collect DGD from school at 3.15pm that it would be over by 3pm so that's the time I arranged for DH to be waiting in the car park for me.

Unbeknownst to me he'd come into the area just after me. There is a small shopping area and he'd spent time wandering around it. He wanted to be close by in case I needed him.

Anyway the lunch started and I occupied myself with DGS. A baby is very easy to hide behind lol. I joined in the general conversation enough to be polite. Mostly I just listened. At 3pm DD said she had to go for DGD and I said DH was waiting for me in the car park. Sister said she would go with DD to collect DGD and bring her back to the restaurant and off she went. I repeated that DH was waiting for me. Mum wasn't happy about this. She said that this lunch had been arranged for me to say goodbye to my sister. I know this wasn't true because I'd asked DD when she'd collected me how long the lunch had been planned. DD tried to prevaricate and said that she thought it had been arranged for a couple of days. I know when DD says, "I think," at the end of a sentence she means 'I don't want to lie to you but really want to tell you the whole truth'. She's done it ever since she was a child. As I was only informed yesterday it was obvious that I was an afterthought. I told my that I'd said DH was waiting but the sister hadn't listened to me. Mum said that she hadn't heard because she was talking to someone else.

All mum had to do at this point was to say that DH should come in for a while but she wouldn't do that because she hates him so I left and have made myself feel better and sick by eating large amounts of ice cream all evening

Oh and mum's parting words to me. "Are we meeting up on Saturday?" She hasn't bothered with me for 20 days but it would seem she wants me back now that sister is going home. What a surprise!

Thank you all so much for your support

xxxxx

Glad you made it through ok. Well done!

Good for you and you made a very positive step by leaving when you said you would. Try and keep that resolve up in all your meetings with your mum. She may even get used to it!!

Indeed - things need to start being based on your rules - you need to be the one calling the shots - why should you not be?

Very well done, like most people on here, I have been wondering how the dreaded lunch went. Sounds like it went ok considering, and also it has shown yet again what a wonderful support your DH is. Have a lovely day.

Oh mishap I wish I was that strong. I'm already struggling . The children have several Christmas and out of school events this weekend. Ideally we'd take the caravan and stay up there as it will be cheaper than using diesel driving there and back several times. Unfortunately I know my mam will be upset because my sister has left and I don't think I have it in me to leave her alone all weekend.

I know I'm a soft wuss

Good to hear you stuck to your guns and left when you wanted to.

Re meeting up with your mum on Saturday, if it suits you, yes. If not, she survived without you for 20 days, she will survive one day if it does'nt suit you and you decide to spend it with your lovely DH. He is the one who deserves you.

What happens if your mum gets or feels hurt?

You know what I am going to say!..........go and enjoy the DGCs' happy Christmas events.

Was your Mum bothered about you during your sister's stay in UK? - or did she get on and do what suited her?

Think of the joy of seeing the DGC - these opportunities come so seldom and are to be treasured. Your Mum had her chance when she was younger - and now it is your turn.

I am sure you will more than make up for it when you get back - guilt, guilt! - but go enjoy!! You will be adding to the sum of human happiness and it is your absolute duty to do that!