Re: sisterly affection....don't make me laugh

I sometimes think I'm a virtual person - so many people just don't seem to be able to see me - especially high school kids!

Jings - its when I have met someone, or seen someone on a bus, or in a pub, and they have changed their face to look exactly like someone else I know. It sounds ridiculous, I know, and if it had happened only once, then I would shake it off. But it happened lots of times and other similar things, when I was finding out about family secrets. No need to go into detail about that, though -

Well the saga continues. I have been ignored since the birthday party. Not a problem on my part because to be honest the less I see of my sister the better.

Today the phone rang at 8am. DH answered. It was my mum. No 'hello' for him. No pleasantries. Just said 'It's xxx mum. Is she still in bed?'

She told me that as it's my sister's last day in the UK they're going out for lunch and I was welcome to go provided I could pay for myself. Oh and could DH bring me (not stay just bring me). I said he couldn't because he had to go to Leeds tomorrow. She humphed a lot and then said, 'Well how will you get there?' Mum has a car but obviously she doesn't want to pick me up.

She then said that my daughters are going. So obviously it's all been arranged before today and I've been added as an afterthought.

Now I have to ask my daughter to collect me even though she lives much further away than my mam does.

From the 'you'll have to pay for yourself' comment I assume that mum knows a version of what happened on her birthday even though I went to great lengths not to let her know as I didn't want to spoil her day.

Can't say I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Why are you going, FFS? (pardon my French!)

Well you have a choice there. I personally would not go I think you will feel uncomfortable with the atmosphere and will get yourself into a state again. Be pleasant in making an excuse and phone your sister to say Au Revoir.

Oh dear, I do agree.

You know it'll probably be horrible, and might set you back again health-wise, vampirequeen - is it really worth it?

I'm going because if I don't it will be held against me and I can't stand the thought of my 'bad behaviour' being brought up over and over again by my mum. She's got enough sticks to beat me with already without me giving her another.

Also, and I know this is daft, I don't want to upset my mum.

I'm a very well conditioned/trained daughter. I know I'm on a loser but the child in me still wants my mum's approval.

I know I'm a very sad person

Did your daughters not mention this to you?

Considering how ill the last fiasco made you, do you not think this is something you could do without?

You must think of yourself and your own family.

No one has mentioned it. My girls were worried that I wasn't going to be invited so thought it better not to tell me.

Don't go. It will make you ill and give these bullies masquerading as family yet another chance to be horrible. I have never been invited to lunch and told to pay for it myself, it is rude to be frank. Your Mother doesnt deserve your concern for her welfare as she doesnt have any concern for yours.

Right - here goes.....why the hell are you even considering going to this? Your blooming mother has you in thrall and now is the time to break free.

The last episode made you so ill and you cannot afford to repeat this. Does your kind DH want to pick you up again? - he must be so concerned for you. Don't go for his sake if nothing else, let alone yours.

You will simply have to acquire a fictitious tummy bug to get out of it without causing a general family fuss. There will be those who might guess it is fictitious, but they will not be able to prove it.

You are being manipulated like a puppet on a string - cut the strings and get on with your life. You do not need this ghastly sister in your life and know is the time to distance yourself from your mother's machinations too.

Sorry to be blunt, but as a previous poster said FFS!

You are your own woman - you are not a leaf to be blown around by the evil gales that members of your family generate.

YOU ARE NO LONGER A CHILD!!!! You do not need your mother's approval!!!!

well said mishap. turn inwards and look after your own lovely family and your own health. Ask yourself: Would I choose to be friends with people like this? People who apparently dont like me, ostracise my DH and children? No you wouldn't so dont let it happen just because of an accident of birth. You will feel so much better for standing up to them, better than you will tomorrow if you go along with this charade of happy families.

You need not even speak on the phone to your sister. A text message would be easier, making up an excuse. Your mother will just have to believe you or not, as she thinks fit, and you can take her to lunch at a later date if it eases the guilt, asking her to pay for herself if you are brave enough ! Oh, how well I remember my manipulating mum, if only she had realized that she got less attention when behaving that way.
I suggest you put the whole episode behind you and concentrate on your own well-being.

The children haven't been ostracised. They had been invited but....their mum was an afterthought!! These people are definitely playing with your head. Make a stand now, DO NOT GO.

Allow this to continue and they will cause a division between you and your girls, which is clearly what they are aiming to do.

I have been looking at other threads vampire and your contributions to them are always kind, sensible and well-balanced; as are the descriptions of your parenting skills.

What are you doing wasting all that good sense and kindness on these dreadful people who just want to make trouble for you? You are allowing them to make you feel inadequate - maybe you should choose now not to let them do that to you any longer.

I know that you have a mental health problem - and I admire you for your honesty about that - and these sort of problems can undermine confidence and encourage feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps you should think of it in the same way as diabetes or something similar - you would not allow that to make you feel inadequate.

You can fight this situation by taking control - just because you have an ongoing mental health problem does not mean you cannot make decisions that put you in control.

Don't give in to these manipulations - time to break the habits of a lifetime!

How dare they ask your husband to take you to the lunch and not invite him. This is as insulting to you as it is to him. Furthermore, asking you to come if you could pay for yourself is equally insulting. How can you bear to continue to seek approval from a mother like yours. She deserves no approval from you or from anyone else.

I'm sorry I've annoyed you all. It wasn't my intention.

Heaven's above! - NO-ONE is annoyed at all! We just want you to have some peace and happiness.

We are all on your side.

Sorry I misinterpreted your replies. I'm more used to being put down than supported

I know it's childish to still crave my mum's approval but it's ingrained in me. I have tried not to care and not to do it but then she is hurt and I can't bear that. Yes, I know I'm being manipulated. It's how it's always been. I can't remember a time when it wasn't like this.

Just once I'd like to hear my mum say she's proud of me. I know it will never happen but I crave it so badly I have to keep chasing it.

She nearly did it once. I was the first in the family to get a degree. I passed with a 2:1. She was quite pleased but then my sister got first a few years later so now mum tends to remind me that she did better than I did. I try to see the funny side...well if I didn't I'd go totally insane.

We are all on your side vampirequeen and any angry comments that I have made are aimed at your dreadful sister and (sorry) equally dreadful Mother. You have made a huge success of your life despite these people, you have had a good education, have raised a lovely family and are much loved by your DH and lovely new family. Your DH and his children and your daughters see a loving wife and Mother, and they choose to spend time with you, they want to be with you, so are you saying that they are wrong to love you? Just send a text don't go to lunch, why not take your DH out to lunch instead? Just the two of you? He is the one who deserves your time and attention and wants to be with you. You have been very brave describing the horrors you have experienced, and very eloquent in your description of your mental health issues, so much so that you have made many other people open up on here about the misery they have suffered from their Mothers. You have helped us all, now start to help yourself.

What Gill said with knobs on!

My Mum never said she was proud of me for anything - my musical or academic achievements. I have learned to live without that and so can you I am sure.

The idea of you and OH doing something nice together while this lunch goes on is a splendid one.

Please do not give yourself unnecessary grief.

We really are all rooting for you!

When she says that she is hurt, do you think that is genuine?

I would say that dearly as I would love to be there it is such short notice that it is inconvenient(-you haven't had time to go to the bank in case you are expected to pay for everyone-) You could add that you are delighted that your daughter will be there representing you ,your DH and family. And ya boo sucks to them.

I've only just read this thread and am amazed at the grace and dignity you have shown.