Sex

Sounds like you married the wrong man K, it’s supposed to be mutually enjoyable, there are good and bad men of all ages.

Oh dear. It’s not meant to be a performance ?

Do you feel it’s too late now?

I remember as a very young new wife an older couple invited us round, she showed me round the house and said when we reached the bedroom and here’s the torture chamber
Don’t fancy going into my various love life experiences on here though ?

Your husband doesn't sound as if he's up to the task, sadly.

Are you still together? You talk as if this part of your life no longer happens. How old are you both? Have you had other partners?

Emily49

Are you still together? You talk as if this part of your life no longer happens. How old are you both? Have you had other partners?

We’ve been together for 42 years. I just feel so much sadness because I haven’t pleased him but also I’ve come to understand that I haven’t had ‘that’ joy. I wondered if I was alone or if others has experienced what I missed?

You are not alone KarenR..... suffice to say I am now divorced and I dare not get into another relationship although I have had one or two offers ...

I'm asexual so I've never had 'that' joy. I've never been able to see the attraction of intercourse.

Suffice to say, I'm single.

Karen, it would seem he's the problem not you, at best he is totally insensitive. Is this what you want, not the sex part, but the disregard for your feelings. Lots of people through circumstances are with partners that they no longer have that physical side and you stay together because you have that loving bond and care for each other, that's what you're missing.

Karen I was thinking you hadn’t been together long, 42 yrs that is well beyond the call of duty, there is nothing worse than being pressured to turn you off. How does he show his dissatisfaction, does he say so, or just roll over and go to sleep instead of cuddling you.

Sorry your husband has made you feel like this KarenR I would think anyone would find it difficult to maintain a fulfilled sex life under that sort of pressure.
I would think things would be very different for you with a kinder more caring partner. I would hazard a guess that the problem lies more with him than you.

It is a pity that your sex life causes problems.
Frequency may decrease, and the ultimate pleasure may now be memories.
The objective, particularly "at our time of life" ought to be to give each other pleasure. And to enjoy having given pleasure, as much as to receive it.
In my view, that is a loving relationship.
It should not be a performance, but an opportunity for both, from the start, to do the things that bring each other pleasure.

Get yourself a sexy book or film and 'have that joy' on your own. Or Bridgerton's a good start

In her fifties a friend told her husband that she “didn’t want to bother “ any more and he replied “That’s alright, you were never any good at it anyway”

I said what a horrid thing to say and she said “No he’s right.”

Then she met her lover and found out that she was actually very good at indeed.

Would you take that step?

I hope you have left him or at least are preparing to leave. He sounds awful.
?

Find out what he enjoys, or what are his fantasies, to see if you can help him, and possibly yourself.
See what you can do to excite each other
Foreplay and lubrication are essential
Hope that you can come to a mutually satisfactory conclusion.
Life isn't over yet.
Fun doesn't end at 70, by any means

My heart sinks for the OP. To feel "under siege" to have sex and to "perform" is totally grim.

Do you have a way out.

I think all the lube in the world will not save this situation after 42 years of it.

Many lack imagination when it comes to intimacy and its not uncommon for those like your husband to put the blame on their partner when its they themselves that ' haven't what it takes' .
Sex doesn't have to be bedroom only. Have you ever thought of taking the initiative ? Surprise H when least expected?
Making sure you are not expecting visitors

It sounds very much as if neither of you enjoy it much.

If you can both find some enjoyment, you may both begin to look forward to love making.
As Daisend1 says, use your imaginations.
Ask what would DH like? Tell him what you would fancy.
Try to find times and places that seem to be "naughty".
Both of you tell your fantasies, and then set about putting them into action.

Look at books, such as "Joy of Sex" together, to see if learning about the pleasures, give you any ideas.

You can be spontaneous, as an idea crosses your mind or plan, and prepare in detail,
Hopefully, as you both start to enjoy, you will both be more interested.
find n

Try telling him you have needs as well.
Try and get a compromise that both parties are happy with.
Both talk, tell each other what you want
Don't be left letting him satisfied and you frustrated .

KarenR, someone once told me this old saying: 'There are no frigid women, just inept men.'
If sex is bad or mediocre then he's not the right sexual partner for you. Just because men like to have sex doesn't mean they are good at it! And I don't think the age of a man comes into it, there are selfish/arrogant and thoughtless young men out there, too! Also, in my personal opinion, too many men watch porn these days and think what they see on there is what should be happening. Basically, they should be in relationships with actors! ?

Exactly i feel the same way @OmaLoocie. Nothing matters if your with the right person as both of you can enjoy this beautiful moment as memorable as it can be.

I feel sorry for KarenR and hope she can come to a satisfactory resolution soon. I can't think of anything to suggest, and don't really want to discuss my own circumstances.

Daisend1

Many lack imagination when it comes to intimacy and its not uncommon for those like your husband to put the blame on their partner when its they themselves that ' haven't what it takes' .
Sex doesn't have to be bedroom only. Have you ever thought of taking the initiative ? Surprise H when least expected?
Making sure you are not expecting visitors

I have a picture in my head now of a woman waylaying her astounded DH in the hall and wrestling him to the ground (with the cat looking on)?