20 month old granddaughter doesn't like me!

I don't think its anything personal against you at all, she is only 20 months old. Could it be perhaps that she is not a kissy huggy type of child?
Perhaps it's because she doesn't see as much of you as the other grandparents (you did say you live far away) making you a little unfamiliar? Have you tried not kissing/hugging her at all but just getting down and playing with her?

Stop the kissing and hugging while she doesn't enjoy it - you are invading her space, and you wouldn't like it if anyone did that to you, would you?

I assume that your username is the names of your sons, not your own? You say that you are the mother of the Dad, but there are Grandads on this site too.

She is your first grandchild and you have probably forgotten that when your sons were tiny, you and their father were at the centre of their lives, and they preferred them to anyone else. She is old enough to express her opinions now when she sees what she considers a better option appearing. She has competion for their attention now there is a little sister, so she won't want to miss a chance to get in there with them.

Don't take it personally - she will come round to you again if you are patient. See her as often as you can, be friendly and chat to her and play with her, but don't oppress her with cuddles unless she is in the mood.

Crossed posts. Gillybob We think of our grandchildren in terms of kisses and hugs, but it takes two to make a cuddle.

Do you have Skype? You could see her and talk to her on that, to keep you in her mind when you can't be there in person.

When one of my grand daughters was about 3 I was staying with them and she said a couple of times "you don't live here", with a rather hostile look. Which was true, but it upset me. She said the same to her other Grandma, and she was even more upset than me!
As Gillybob said she's not a kissy-huggy child.
Anyway the next time I went to stay she didn't say anything hostile, but kept her distance, now (6 years later) she's ok.
I think it's to do with attitude to relative strangers, maybe insecurity, language development etc.
I'm almost sure she'll grow out of it, Danericbob, when she can understand that you're her Daddy's Mum.

Same scenario for me my youngest grandson is also 20mths and I don't see him often he is the same if we are alone he's ok with me but if he sees a better option ie: parent or other grandmum he will struggle to get to them.

Its only natural that he will favour those he knows best.. he's just a baby after all and doesn't know me really at all. Don't take it to heart its not done with any malice on the little ones part and I'm sure in a couple of years when she knows and remembers you better you will wonder why you took it so badly. As the others have suggested don't try to force to hug,kiss or cuddle you till she is ready..

You may be down her pecking order at the moment. But that doesnt mean it is going to stay that way.

And if I were you, I would be the first to let her go if others are on the scene. That way she is free if she wants to be.

She is then more likely to return if she knows that she has choices of her own.

That is such a familiar scene to me - but now I am DGS's favourite granny. As others have said here - I did not invade his space, bided my time and as a result he loves visiting me as often as he can.

I could have written this, word for word.
My tactic is to see her little and as often as possible. Her older bro is fine with me.
It isn't just me and I think to force hugs, cuddles and kisses will make things worse.
I am quite a reserved person and, even at 20 months, I can see how she feels.
She is fine with me when Mum not there, too.

We each have this rosy vision of what our grandkids should be, but life, as we know, isn't like that. Be patient, don't force things, don't feel tempted to 'buy her' with gifts, but just 'go with the flow.
If she feels she's manipulating you, she will do so even more. That's kids for you!
Hard, but in the end, so worth it.

Personally I don't think that this is unusual at that age. My 18 month old GS decides who he'll go to and if M and D are around then it isn't me!
When his other grandparents are around he would go to grandfather but not his grandmother, who for the week they were staying there didn't get a single hug! She was understandably very upset, but he was fine the next time.
I leave it totally up to him, just 'go with the flow' as MrsPickle says.
If no one else around he's absolutely fine.

A friend of mine has a grandson who she didn't used to see much of. When the child was about 2, every time my friend and her DH visited the little boy would say to them 'shoes on, shoes on, go away now'. My friend used to get really upset. They see a lot more of him now and everything is fine. I think if the child is not too used to a person this can be understandable.

Danericbob that does not sound unusual to me.

If his mum and dad are around my DGS does not want me to change him he wants his mum, particularly as she works shifts and sometimes he does not see much of her for 24 hrs depending on mum's shift patterns.

Don't worry too much about it.

My grandson went through a phase of saying 'I'm bored' when I was looking after him. I was quite upset at the time [perhaps other gransnetters will remember having to comfort me [?]]. When I mentioned it to my daughter a while later she said that he was going through a phase and he said it all the time at home. I haven't cuddled that one since he was very young and he used to snuggle up to me when I read him books. The younger one is more tactile and I sometimes put my arm around him when I pick him up from school on school run days but I never kiss either of them. I don't want to be horrid to the OP who is obviously very upset but I don't understand the need to kiss and cuddle a grandchild, especially if they obviously don't want it. If the little girl is interested in something [Frozen or something like that] I'd develop an interest and chat about it with them. When my daughter was about 2 a very dear friend of mine came to stay. After a couple of days my daughter said in front of her 'when is SHE going home'. My friend left soon afterwards and I felt awful. Quite recently my daughter raised the subject herself and said 'you know what, mum; I didn't dislike her and I didn't want her to leave..I just genuinely wanted to know when she was going home and had no intention of hurting her ]'. Isn't it abround 20 months that children go through a phase of not liking their fathers as well; I seem to recall the older grandson doing so and, when I consulted good old Dr Spock he confirmed it. Danericbob; I do sympathise with you..I'd love my grandchildren to really enjoy being with me but they don't so I just have to accept it [they tolerate me].

Bide your time, stand back, cut out the hugs till she is ready and find lots of games she enjoys instead. Above all else don't take it personally. If you are not a regular feature of her life because of distance you can see how it might feel from her point of view. Go at her pace; do not force anything - and above all don't be upset by it, as it is not appropriate. She's just a wee lass making sense of the world.

I have 3 GDs two of them were cuddlers from the start. From about 3 months GD 3 screamed whenever I held her!

I'm sure she did not do this with maternal Gran!

Like you I was distraught and i would have felt worse if it hadn't been for the elder 2.

I adopted a more hands off approach and when she could sit, I just got down ( not too close ) and played. If the tears started, I backed off. Now at 10 months things are much better, although I feel she is not 100% sure, but we're getting there.
As others have said, bide your time and it will come right. Although, in the middle of the night it can seem awful and tears flow! Hope it sorts itself soon. x

Frankly, I'm going to therapy as I can't deal with this

I can understand that you are a bit upset, but frankly I don't think you should let it get to you that much.

I think today's families can be very insular. They often live some distance from the grandparents and their lives revolve entirely around each other exclusively. Both my grandsons have been little buggers to me in the past. The younger one still is. The older one has, at thirteen, come out of it. I used to get hurt. Used to cry on the way home from visits. Not now. I've learned to say "stuff it". More to life than just grandkids.

It's probably because, at the age of 13, he loves having a granny that says 'stuff it' ....

How do you get on with the older sister?

He's heard worse than that from me Tegan!

Wise words up ^^there, jings !

(This bit:^More to life than just grandkids^)

..same here, jings ....

Don't try the huggy kissy approach, just be fun and play games - clapping games, 'if you're happy and you know it', 'row, row, row your boat' etc
You could kiss her toes when you change her and make a game of it.

My DGC all see more of their other DGMs and this is inevitable.

Don't take it personally, she is a baby still. You can still build up a relationship with her.