Long conversations with daughter

Agree !

I'm 60 and still wish i had my Dad around to ring and rant or walk and rant. It was never my Mum for me. My mum is still here but i don't offload to her.
My Daughter and I are very close and she will ring to offload or sometimes just chat on loudspeaker as she drives, she says it's calming to just hear me. ❤️

(After listening empathetically for 15-20 minutes) ‘I’m sorry all this has happened/you’re upset but I need to start the dinner/ I need to put the washing out/ the neighbour is coming for a cup of tea, I’ll ring you tomorrow.’
Try to stop the flow of moaning with open questions eg ‘why do you think your boss said that?’ to encourage her to reflect rather than just rant.

Once in a while, we all need to vent. It sounds like you are the person she feels safe venting to. She likely sees you as non-judgemental. Like the others said, find somewhere comfy to sit, maybe have a puzzle or something to do and just say give her short affirmations that you are listening to. She’s likely not calling to have her problems solved, she’s just looking for someone to listen. A simple, phrase expressing your understanding (“that sounds difficult”) is all she wants and needs. I’m sure it’s exhausting, but it’s wonderful that you are the person she feels safe venting to.

I absolutely agree with some advice here. You are lucky that your daughter uses you as a confidante/ sounding board to let off steam. Get a glass of wine, listen, and she'll feel much better afterwards. Try not to take it on board too much. She's lucky to have you.

Get in forst with a rant of your own. "Really sorry but I'm not feeling too good at the moment - then tell her everything that's bothering you!

Contraryme

Thank you all for the advice. I don't think that you understand quite how difficult this situation is for me. Thank you for Plevey08 I think that you may have understood the situation. I don't believe that an elderly mother has to take constant long conversations and unpleasantness from a daughter who is nearly 40. Yes my daughter has a partner and friends but she seem to think that she can off load on me because it's my duty. But also of course I will always love her, and forgive her.

I think a lot of us can understand how difficult it is for you so your update seems a little churlish. We have been there and found that the way forward if we want to keep a relationship going with our adult children is to take it on the chin. I have learned to withhold advice or ask if she wants it or if she just wants to offload. I don't go round in circles if she wants advice but manages to naysay all the things I offer. I just say I'll have to give it some thought and get back to her.
I do have some escape routes. I might say I need the toilet and I'm sure she won't want to listen to that. I press the door bell sometimes in desperation and have to answer it. Sometimes, I fade in and out of the phone call before cutting it off. I can then set my phone to not answer. I only do these things when I can hear that I am going to get the flak because I work hard to keep communications as balanced as I can although sometimes I have had to say that I am not feeling my best so I will need to speak to her later when I feel calmer. My daughter has BPD so I know how easily conversations can deteriorate and I know how exhausting it can be. I have wished for a different daughter in the past but she has some lovely ways too and I now just wish I could understand her better.

My first thought on reading this was to agree with the "just listen" approach as this is what I do if one of my girls calls up unhappy - put in my airpods and get on with knitting/ironing/whatever while listening to her offload. That's what mothers are for. It's what my mother did. There is no need to offer solutions, just to listen. We are the most valuable witnesses to our children's lives.
But on the other hand - there is the effect on the OP herself, and it's not good. It reminds me of my late sister in law who used to call her 80+ mother and rant down the phone, often quite abusively, even after she knew her widowed mother had mild dementia and was emotionally very fragile. One of my MIL's carers once overheard one of these rants and actually stepped into the room to stop the conversation - she told us later it was a clear case of elder abuse. I looked up elder abuse and yes, what my SIL used to do definitely came into that category.

Question to JoJo. What do you mean "maybe a jealous father - they all are. They all are what ?
Are you having a go at men, like so many on this forum seem to do.

I agree with what the majority of posters have already said by way of letting your daughter rant, and being grateful that she feels able to trust you enough to do so.
It's unlikely that you will change her - only she can do that for herself, should she so choose.
I love the suggestion upthread about being somewhere yourself with a nice view or in comfortable surroundings to soothe yourself while she's sounding off...it really does help!

My mother never wanted to know when i had problems and I envied others that did. I am always ready to listen to my daughter.

I would definitely just listen to her. Let her rant and get it all off her chest. You should be happy she wants to confide in you. 🌻

Hiya! Some people would love to have a daughter to talk to! But, get a timer, set 30 minutes, then when it buzzes , just say alarm gone off curtail the call. If you just be a listen ear, all the good. But try not to take on board the negative. (Negative people can bring you down.) So after her call do sometime to give you a boost! Just see if she is not showing signs of depression, if she is gentle 'try' to guide her towards help. Please count you blessings. Good luck

I would do anything for a rant from my Daughter. I would sit there and drink it in.

Just listen.One day you may be in a situation that calls for a moan

I still go with the “listen”, gave a drink next to you, mmmm and aaaah and please do check that she really is actually ok

*have not gave

Try asking what she wants from the conversation? Does she just want you to listen (make a cuppa and let her talk) or is she looking for advice and suggestions. The answer won’t always be the same. I find this really helps conversations with my kids. Felt odd at first but the clarity means you both know what the goal is.

This rather resonates with me, as I think I probably often burdened my own dear mum with my problems. She was a single parent and I an only child, so it must have been especially hard for her. My own daughter used to turn to me when she was younger, but now in her late 40s is very distant. I can understand this must be draining for you. I think someone's suggestion of doing something else while she is ranting, is a good one. I used to do this with a former friend who only ever wanted to talk about her own problems.

Sometimes our children have to grow up and be self accountable. My youngest son got addicted to cocaine and I went through a difficult time with him. When I told him the truth he couldn’t take it and said some vile things to me. We were estranged after that but in all honesty I felt that if that was how he really thought of me I didn’t want anything to do with him. Yes we’re parents but I don’t think you should be suffering and letting your daughter affect your own mental health. I’m surprised that so many people on here are saying the opposite. Tell her how it makes you feel, maybe once she realises she will stop. If I feel upset or down about anything I find that chat with AI is incredibly helpful maybe suggest this as an alternative? Misery makes bad company and it’s not fair on you at all.

My DS is going through a nasty divorce at the moment. Sometimes he rings me a few times a week just to vent. I listen and make encouraging noises. He doesn’t want advice or for me to fix things. He just wants to let off steam to someone who loves him unconditionally. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sit and half listen,occasionally making sympathetic noises, it will be something else next time, she probably doesn't want an answer anyway just a sounding board,

Cossy

My advice, listen and have a glass or cup of something nearby, let her rant and rave for as long as she wants and make the appropriate mmm and aaaah.

There’s some on here who’ve been estranged by their daughters, make the most of yours and “put up” with her foibles.

I wouldn’t personally write her a letter, letters are too easily misconstrued.

I would gently speak with her face to face, if you really feel you must, I wouldn’t

Good advice. My daughter is similar but I would hate for her not to be in my life so I do what the above poster has said x

Essexgirl145

I would do anything for a rant from my Daughter. I would sit there and drink it in.

Xx

Contraryme, are your DD's worries real and pressing, or is it a case of overthinking? If the former, some advice and input from you would be the right thing. Otherwise just be the sympathetic listener, as so many have advised here.And be glad your DD wants to talk with you
I hope it's been helpful to offload onto Gransnet.