Long conversations with daughter

The OP hasn't commented again in a while, so not sure she'll see this, but here goes.
I do know what you're saying. My daughter will also tell me stressful things and my knee jerk reaction is to want to fix it. Also, it's just very stressful -- I feel my blood pressure rise(!). But... I try to do more listening than talking. I definitely do not try to solve her "issues." These moments are part of a much bigger picture. And while I sometimes think that DD tells me too much of the stress, I would never discourage her. These moments will end someday. Someday, I will be very old and maybe sick, and DD will treat me with kid gloves. For now, I want all of what she gives to our relationship.

I can relate, totally, but you’re her safe space and at least you get to know what’s going on in her life. She obviously feels that she can “tell mum”, so be proud that you’re her safety valve, her trusted advice and just listen (albeit with a glass of wine in hand!)

Agree with Cossey. Just let her rant and agree. It will let her get it straight in her own head. Remember - we are nothing but a sounding board!!

Cossy

My advice, listen and have a glass or cup of something nearby, let her rant and rave for as long as she wants and make the appropriate mmm and aaaah.

There’s some on here who’ve been estranged by their daughters, make the most of yours and “put up” with her foibles.

I wouldn’t personally write her a letter, letters are too easily misconstrued.

I would gently speak with her face to face, if you really feel you must, I wouldn’t

That’s exactly my advice too

I have a daughter who does exactly the same thing. I used to get really upset listening to her. It’s not the fact that she talks to me, which I value, it’s the intensity and repetition. I’ve learned to say things like “ I know you’ll be able to sort this out” and “ I know you’re very able to deal with this well”. She doesn’t want solutions, just an expression of confidence in her. It also relieves my anxiety to believe this.

If she gets upset by people on a regular basis and needs to vent about it to your detriment it seems that she is lacking in self awareness.
As others have said, I don't think writing her a letter would be a good idea, but I do think that tactfully getting her to reflect on her own part in
these situations would be useful.
I also think that she might benefit from counselling, as you might also. It would be good for you to have someone non- judgemental to decompress to.

A couple of off the wall ideas! Buy a heather in a pot and a get a nice plant pot. Why? Dr Edward Bach (Bach Flower Remedies) says heather helps to cease emotional dependence for self absorbed people. So when your daughter phones look at the heather! Secondly on a more serious note, you have always supported your daughter so the pattern has been set, but that's not to say you can't change it. Allocating less time, letting the call go to the answer phone, arranging for the doorbell to be rung five minutes in. Allow yourself to be distracted, turn your mindset away from dread and into something practical, meaningful doodling (Pinterest for info) Zentangling etc. like I said - off the wall but might help!

It is absolutely exhausting to be on the receiving end of this. I have had it for over thirty years. I am almost 80 and it breaks me. I use a hand held phone and move it away and once my late husband was home unwell and he heard her. He took the phone and listened then said you’re speaking to me and I never want to hear you speak to us like that ever again. It lasted a couple of months then it was back in full swing. It’s degraded our relationship and even when we’re in company I am ignored

I too am against the idea of sending your daughter a letter, no matter how gentle. It feels too formal and I fear whatever you say it will be taken the wrong way. My daughter offloads on me when life is not going her way. When she was contemplating splitting from her partner she would go over and over the issues several times a week in phone calls sometimes two hours long, mostly repeating herself. I found it exhausting and upsetting, but concluded she didnt have any one else to talk to and hopefully I was doing something positive for her even though it didnt feel like it. As DH always says if daughters life is going well we hear nothing from her at all. I just accept it.

My daughter is 38 and this sounds all to familiar! I have now, after this length of time, just basically let her rant and basically say nothing unless prompted. I can't do right for doing wrong. When something goes wrong in her life it's always 'someone else's' fault or someone 'made' her act a certain way because 'they' did something to make her react that way! I'm afraid she will always be like this,not brought up that way as her sister is complete opposite. I do what I need to do for self preservation...we are getting on much better 🤞 not perfect but better. Good luck

I can well understand that these experiences leave you emotionally drained. While it is good that your daughter feels safe to share her worries with you, this is hardly surprising. And if it happens frequently, it is not good for you.
Sounds like your daughter could sometimes do with a bit of extra support from someone who can help her look at things from a different perspective and give her some coping skills when life gets on top of her.
That's what a good counsellor can do. If she could be persuaded to look into this ( not necessarily by you!) it could make a real difference. If not - as they say, you can't change the behaviour of others,only your own - you might perhaps benefit from the same. You could learn to take a step back ( while not opting out); recognise your own justifiably negative feelings - and best of all, become empowered to manage the situation better. She is lucky to have you. Look after yourself.

I would love my estranged daughter to give me a ring, even to have a rant. Take the good with the bad.

Contraryme, are your DD's worries real and pressing, or is it a case of overthinking? If the former, some advice and input from you would be the right thing. Otherwise just be the sympathetic listener, as so many have advised here.And be glad your DD wants to talk with you
I hope it's been helpful to offload onto Gransnet.

Essexgirl145

I would do anything for a rant from my Daughter. I would sit there and drink it in.

Xx

Cossy

My advice, listen and have a glass or cup of something nearby, let her rant and rave for as long as she wants and make the appropriate mmm and aaaah.

There’s some on here who’ve been estranged by their daughters, make the most of yours and “put up” with her foibles.

I wouldn’t personally write her a letter, letters are too easily misconstrued.

I would gently speak with her face to face, if you really feel you must, I wouldn’t

Good advice. My daughter is similar but I would hate for her not to be in my life so I do what the above poster has said x

Sit and half listen,occasionally making sympathetic noises, it will be something else next time, she probably doesn't want an answer anyway just a sounding board,

My DS is going through a nasty divorce at the moment. Sometimes he rings me a few times a week just to vent. I listen and make encouraging noises. He doesn’t want advice or for me to fix things. He just wants to let off steam to someone who loves him unconditionally. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sometimes our children have to grow up and be self accountable. My youngest son got addicted to cocaine and I went through a difficult time with him. When I told him the truth he couldn’t take it and said some vile things to me. We were estranged after that but in all honesty I felt that if that was how he really thought of me I didn’t want anything to do with him. Yes we’re parents but I don’t think you should be suffering and letting your daughter affect your own mental health. I’m surprised that so many people on here are saying the opposite. Tell her how it makes you feel, maybe once she realises she will stop. If I feel upset or down about anything I find that chat with AI is incredibly helpful maybe suggest this as an alternative? Misery makes bad company and it’s not fair on you at all.

This rather resonates with me, as I think I probably often burdened my own dear mum with my problems. She was a single parent and I an only child, so it must have been especially hard for her. My own daughter used to turn to me when she was younger, but now in her late 40s is very distant. I can understand this must be draining for you. I think someone's suggestion of doing something else while she is ranting, is a good one. I used to do this with a former friend who only ever wanted to talk about her own problems.

Try asking what she wants from the conversation? Does she just want you to listen (make a cuppa and let her talk) or is she looking for advice and suggestions. The answer won’t always be the same. I find this really helps conversations with my kids. Felt odd at first but the clarity means you both know what the goal is.

*have not gave

I still go with the “listen”, gave a drink next to you, mmmm and aaaah and please do check that she really is actually ok

Just listen.One day you may be in a situation that calls for a moan

I would do anything for a rant from my Daughter. I would sit there and drink it in.

Hiya! Some people would love to have a daughter to talk to! But, get a timer, set 30 minutes, then when it buzzes , just say alarm gone off curtail the call. If you just be a listen ear, all the good. But try not to take on board the negative. (Negative people can bring you down.) So after her call do sometime to give you a boost! Just see if she is not showing signs of depression, if she is gentle 'try' to guide her towards help. Please count you blessings. Good luck