Long conversations with daughter

My advice, listen and have a glass or cup of something nearby, let her rant and rave for as long as she wants and make the appropriate mmm and aaaah.

There’s some on here who’ve been estranged by their daughters, make the most of yours and “put up” with her foibles.

I wouldn’t personally write her a letter, letters are too easily misconstrued.

I would gently speak with her face to face, if you really feel you must, I wouldn’t

We call it ringing for a rant in our family,sometimes you just want someone to listen while you get it all out, no guarantee of any solutions just someone to let off steam too

I’ve got a lonely friend who phones and moans incessantly. Tend to go somewhere comfortable in the house where I’ve got a view from the window or put tv on silent, then make appropriate sympathetic noises

You’re not going to change your daughter. It is draining for you but you’re her vent/outlet

Would take it on the chin, a letter might feel too formal and weird to your DD who could easily take it the wrong way no matter how you word it.
As Cossy has said speak to her if you feel it is becoming too much but I also wouldn’t do this.
The danger is that she will just decide not to talk to you at all.

Cossy is right, don't write her a letter. My DD has been like yours at times, but things have calmed down now.
The best thing you can do is let her unload if she needs to. I find it less wearing if I do something else at the same time, like knitting or ironing or cleaning the windows.
The thing she's worrying about now is me and my health! I should be grateful but I've resolved not to mention anything about that to either AC.

Exactly what Cossy said.
Normally I'd say distance yourself a bit and don't always be available. But, in this case, I feel that your role is to sit quietly, making all the appropriate noises, and wait for her to have a bit of a rant. Also, remind yourself that you're lucky to have a daughter who still turns to you when she's down. Many mothers don't enjoy that status with their children - which can create an even more painful situation.
Have patience and love her that little bit more when she needs it.

She rings when she’s anxious / upset/ worried.

My two adult daughters ring me like this from time to time. One is nearly 50 the other a couple of years younger. They don’t expect me to ‘fix’ anything.

I think they just like to offload and I’ve learnt to listen and sympathise but not to try to find solutions.

More often than not events sort themselves out, fortunately.

Do you gently encourage her to see where she played a role in these situations where she always blames others.
Of course you should be prepared to listen, but she must also be open to receiving some honest advice.

Isn't that what is called being a mum? Being supportive when required?

If my ACs or friends need a rant then I will listen and let them get those feelings out. I occasionally need a rant myself and glad someone will listen to me.
Let your DD rant if it makes her feel better.

As it is exhausting and distressing for you, and frequent, I think you have the right to protect your wellbeing too.
I don't think a gentle reminder to her about how it makes you feel, would be a terrible thing to do.
Maybe don't answer the phone every time, she'll call later or you can call her and just say oh I must have nodded off. By which time she might have calmed down a bit.
Does she have friends she can talk to?

Thank you all for the advice. I don't think that you understand quite how difficult this situation is for me. Thank you for Plevey08 I think that you may have understood the situation. I don't believe that an elderly mother has to take constant long conversations and unpleasantness from a daughter who is nearly 40. Yes my daughter has a partner and friends but she seem to think that she can off load on me because it's my duty. But also of course I will always love her, and forgive her.

One of my daughters makes me feel nervous ,anxious and depressed .
She never stops criticising other people .
She's so vicious at times .

And she turns her venom on me .
It has got worse and worse over the last 20 years .
I don't know how her husband tolerates it .
I'm not sure that she has any friends left .

I'm lost for words .

I'm actually terrified of her moods and tempers.
So I have distanced myself.

I don't have any other advice for you .

I'm only sorry that you have to put up with it .
Maybe they need counselling.
Wishing you luck with this unfortunate problem .

Do as you wish, but please remember, however old you are, however grown up she is, you’re still Mum and she’s still your “child”.

If you genuinely cannot deal with it, as a couple of others have suggested, don’t answer the phone for a couple of days or message her with a “sorry right in the middle of something, can I call you tomorrow”?

Your daughter, your health, your call.

Btw, looking at things from a slightly different angle, you’ve stated very clearly that when your daughter is very bothered about something, she feels compelled to go over and over the same thing again and again, when when she’s not bothered about anything she’s delightful caring and loving.

To me, and I don’t know either of you, it sounds very much like your daughter cannot cope very well when things go awry and is needing you, because you’re “mum”

Although it has eased up recently, DD always rings me up when ever something goes wrong in her life from incompetent workmen to work.

Like others my response is sit at my computer reading GN or similar while making soothing noises, but after a while, I start to gradually change the subject until we are talking about something else that gives her pleasure and joy.

CarrotTop

Exactly what Cossy said.
Normally I'd say distance yourself a bit and don't always be available. But, in this case, I feel that your role is to sit quietly, making all the appropriate noises, and wait for her to have a bit of a rant. Also, remind yourself that you're lucky to have a daughter who still turns to you when she's down. Many mothers don't enjoy that status with their children - which can create an even more painful situation.
Have patience and love her that little bit more when she needs it.

Totally agree with this.

Romola
My DD has been like yours at times, but things have calmed down now.

If you dont mind me asking, what has changed that she is now calmer?
Her situation? Or her attitude?

Of course you should be supporting her as you obviously do have a listening ear, the fact that she always blames everyone else and repeats the same scenario over n over makes me think she has problem with coping, and maybe dosent take accountability for the things she does .

I know someone like this. It always reverts to her childhood trauma. She can take up to an hour each time. I used to try and offer helpful advice but found that I was wasting my time and she would contradict me. I now just ask questions like: How is your dog? How is work? and she seems quite happy with that. I never speak about myself or what I think.

I think I used to do this when I was at home with three small children, my mum was always sympathetic and looking back very good with me. Things happen and mum is needed, I do the same occasionally for my own AC. It’s part of family life, if a difficult one. My calls to mum became less frequent when my father told me to stop it as mum was upset. Heaven knows what a modern psychiatrist would make of that!!

I wish my daughter did! Cherish the fact she feels she can tell you.

Maybe a jealous father. They all are!

Cossy

My advice, listen and have a glass or cup of something nearby, let her rant and rave for as long as she wants and make the appropriate mmm and aaaah.

There’s some on here who’ve been estranged by their daughters, make the most of yours and “put up” with her foibles.

I wouldn’t personally write her a letter, letters are too easily misconstrued.

I would gently speak with her face to face, if you really feel you must, I wouldn’t

Absolutely agree. I have a daughter and I understand- but this is good advice 🌸