Friendship that is one-sided

That is sad.

No experience, but I guess it depends how much you are getting out of the friendship?

You’re too nice to let yourself be taken advantage of, maybe try and join a new club, or a choir or do a course and meet some new people and ease contact off with this “friend” ?

Yes, I do! I have a number of friends who constantly offload their (self-imposed) problems to me but never ask if I am OK. They seem to think that as I have a stable marriage and a comfortable home then I must be OK all the time. Just recently I have stopped phoning some of them to see the response. I might add that sometimes I am the only one who makes contact. I have stepped back a little and set boundaries, basically for my own wellbeing.

PandoraBlue

Does anyone have any experience of how to deal with somebody who is only interested in you when they want something - I am finding life very difficult as I am lonely but I know I am being used - I am too nice a person

Am sorry that your loneliness has led to this unscrupulous person taking advantage. But I think your post says it all, you know what is going on and are sick of it. Offload this opportunistic friend as soon as you can and try to find a more genuine friend by perhaps volunteering if you are able, charity shops or local projects to better the environment or to help the homeless would be glad of your input and you would meet others who may have volunteered for the same reason, to meet others.
You deserve better than this.
X

Could you set up a few projects for yourself? They could be anything from drawing and painting a picture to visiting neighbouring towns. Make them your own and mark them off on a chart as you do them. Just get out there and give them meaning. When your 'friend' contacts you for something, tell them that you are very sorry but you are busy and go and do one of your projects. You need to take back ownership of what has meaning in 'your' life.

Don't let this person use you for their own benefit again. Some good ideas from previous posters for meeting nicer people. WI and U3A are good sources too. Hope you find some better friends soon.

My definition of a friend is someone who makes you feel better, if they make you feel worse for any reason, they are not a friend and should be dropped ASAP.

I had a 'friend' who used to meet up with me for the sole purpose of telling me how clever and successful various members of her family were. I never got to discuss my family, they could have all joined a cult for all she knew. I just became too busy with my voluntary work to see her and eventually she took the hint.

I echo Fallingstar. I find voluntary work rewarding and it is also a good way to meet people.

Is the main problem that you are lonely, or that being lonely means you feel you have to keep this person in your life, or is it that you like her, but find her selfish ?

Some people don’t seem to have a sense of the need to give as well as take. They aren’t friends so much as people we know. If they are good company, however, there’s no need to drop them altogether. Just learn not to rely on them and don’t go too far out of your way to accommodate them. Also, do you ask her to do things for you, or expect her to know what you want? That can be a problem too. I once read that there are two types of people - askers and hinters. Hinters find asking rude, but are hurt when their hints aren’t picked up, whilst askers assume that if others want something they’ll ask, so hints don’t get through to them. That’s a simplistic version, but it may be less that she’s selfish, but more that she doesn’t know you hope she’ll offer to do things you haven’t asked for.

Meanwhile, it’s maybe a good idea to expand your social circle. If your town has a local FB page there will probably be events advertised on there. I don’t mean big things - you can start small with a book group or knitting circle (or whatever interests you). Unfortunately, classes are thinner on the ground than they used to be, but you could check out local adult education and see if there’s anything there that you’d enjoy. Dressmaking, conventional French, bookbinding- you might be surprised at what’s on offer, and it would get you out of the house and help you to meet new people.

Clubs such as W3A and WI are another possibility, and volunteering helps with meeting others, too. As your circle widens you can decide whether to stay friends with the other woman. You may find she gives more when you need her less, or you may find that you see less of her because you are busy with other things.

Take it slowly though. People sometimes give up when they don’t make a lot of friends immediately. It takes time, but there are lots of older people out there who also want to be doing more - it’s just a case of finding the ones you want to be friends with.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Some friends are users .

I'm going through this with two friends at the moment.
I actually feel increasingly disgusted with both of them .
Apart from ignoring me when I was really sick they've also not even thanked me for some nice gifts that I've given to them recently.
They both pretend to be enormously caring and generous with their time .
In reality both of them only do things which suits them .

One used me as an alibi to see a guy that she was in love with (she's the second person to do it to me ).

The other inflicted her constant marital problems on me for a couple of decades .

I'd tried to turn the other cheek ,but feel as though they've slapped it !

Take it slowly though. People sometimes give up when they don’t make a lot of friends immediately. It takes time, but there are lots of older people out there who also want to be doing more - it’s just a case of finding the ones you want to be friends with.

I'd echo this. Two friends and I have joined our town's U3A and I'd say that although we've always been made very welcome, it's taken several months before people have started to have proper conversations with us.
Whether that would have been different if we'd joined on our own I don't know?
I also think there's an element of waiting to see if people are going to keep coming involved?

Friends don't appear at your door, you need to get out there and find worthy friends.
Volunteer, walk the dog , walk a neighbours dog, you would be surprised how many people stop and chat when you have a dog, I am in a similar position so I have to make a time for myself to get out and see people. Sit in a cafe. Walk my dog. Church is another place to make friends if you have a belief.
I do but it is very simple, I also join a Buddhist group occasionally as I like their simple ways and friendship though still go to my own local church, sadly this is where I found acquaintances not real friends but onwards and upwards it fills my faith need

I may add at my previous church in the uk I made good friends and am still in touch with them after many years

Real friends are few & far between sadly.

You’re a people pleaser and my advice to you is to take a good look at yourself because it’s got nothing to do with the other person.
It is possible to change lifelong patterns and I’ve done it. Now I only surround myself with people who energise and appreciate me. I have a lot to give and simply expect it in return. There lies freedom from resentment. Shed this person and you won’t regret it.

Lovely post Shell, you radiate positivity.

Yes I have experience of this when people use you only for their own gain and there is nothing in the friendship for you. Gently let her go and move on to pastures new where you will hopefully meet and make genuine friends. I wish you well.

There is lots of good advice in these posts and I can only add that the older I get, the more realise how precious time is. I am happy in my own company and would only choose to spend time with people who make me feel better, not those who depress me. I divide the world into drains and radiators!!

Newatthis
Just recently I have stopped phoning some of them to see the response

I too have stopped always being the one to phone people and waited for a response. With two friends this has worked when they’ve suddenly realised they haven’t heard from me. However, it’s now a year since I last phoned another one. The last contact I had she texted me to thank me for her birthday card and I replied saying how are you and shall we meet up? She replied telling me all the things she has been doing but ignored the meet up suggestion I have decided, therefore, not to send her a card this year and see if she notices. Otherwise I’m afraid that I might have toassume that our friendship had run its course.

Sometimes you have to accept that some friendships reach their natural end, you say that you are lonely but feel used. This not a real friendship, let it go and give yourself permission to look for new relationships

Knitter43

There is lots of good advice in these posts and I can only add that the older I get, the more realise how precious time is. I am happy in my own company and would only choose to spend time with people who make me feel better, not those who depress me. I divide the world into drains and radiators!!

Oh, how I agree with this Knitter43, its not simply putting up with the 'interaction' either, its the worrying/dreading before hand & the endless disecting after. I've unashamedly let go of all encounters that left me feeling 'less than'. Drains & Radiators indeed! Life is so much calmer.

I've reached 67 and life is too short to be used, I'm not that desperate for company, if its a 1 sided friendship then get rid, it brings you down, ive got 3 really good friends and am quite contented with that...but each to their own

Knitter43

There is lots of good advice in these posts and I can only add that the older I get, the more realise how precious time is. I am happy in my own company and would only choose to spend time with people who make me feel better, not those who depress me. I divide the world into drains and radiators!!

Fair point 🤣

PandoraBlue

Does anyone have any experience of how to deal with somebody who is only interested in you when they want something - I am finding life very difficult as I am lonely but I know I am being used - I am too nice a person

I think, Pandora that being in a 'Friendship' with this type of person will make you feel even lonelier.

This person is taking advantage of your good nature.Just ask yourself , if you knew someone was lonely and wanting a friendship with you on an equal footing, would you then use them in any way you could ? No , you would not, so don't let others do it to you. Some good suggestions here on how to meet others or socialise.You need to either pretend or actually BE busy when this person gets in touch with another 'Want' Don't let this person feed off your nice personality .

I usually drop these so-called friends fairly quickly, if they do not respond when I ask for help.

Reading your post, however, I get the feeling that you want to keep up the friendship. If this is so, I think you need to lower you expectations with regards to this friend. Obviously the person is self-centred and not likely to change.

So ask yourself whether a one-sided friendship gives you enough pleasure for you to want to continue it.