Friendship that is one-sided

Thank you Allsorts

I'm sorry you have gone through similar Stillness. It's very hurtful.

I’ve known someone for years and at times we’ve been very close but when I was ill, she suddenly wasn’t there for me at all. Since then, she’s popped up when she’s thought I could do something for her but I’ve realised it’s completely one sided as she would never do anything for me. I’ve now had the courage to not make contact with her, ignore her messages about us needing to catch up and I’m trying to move on. I think it’s hard because we all need good friends and as we get older, it’s easier to feel lonely perhaps. But we need to have some self respect. Trust, as I am, that this isn’t a relationship that serves you well and that in time we will meet someone who will become a true friend. There are lots of good people out there.

Sorry Sparklefizz. You have made the right decision, you sound a lovely person so she's missed ou.

I posted last year about a friend I'd had since 1972 and counted as one of my best friends. We had our first babies together and spent a lot of time together back in the day.

But life moves on ...... I live alone and during the Covid lockdowns I had a great deal of time to think and reflect and realised that the impetus to keep the friendship going was all coming from me. I was the one who made all the effort to keep in touch.

Replies to my last year's post on GN said that my friend was letting the friendship go and was making her feelings clear. I took this on board and, apart from a Christmas card, I didn't get in touch with her.

Suddenly out of the blue, after nearly 2 years of nothing from her, 5 months ago I had a small card saying PLEASE keep in touch. I was a bit narked, to be honest, because it wasn't me who had let the contact go .... but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and sent her a newsy email, asking about her daughters and grandchildren, and mentioning in it that I was undergoing scans for possible ovarian cancer (I've already had breast cancer twice). I've never heard from her since.

Sometimes we just have to accept that a friendship has run its course.

It's very difficult when you're lonely but I would rather be alone than with self centred friends.

Stay close to people who want more for you, not more from you.

i had a friend years ago and she used me really badly, turn up at my door first thing in the morning and it would be bedtime before she would leave, had to supply all meals, then her husband lost is job and he was there as well, sprawled out on my sofa demanding tea and food, i felt sorry for her because he was so nasty and i knew if i sent them home she would bare the brunt of his temper, i was just 20 and it was so nice to have a special friend, most of my friends had been male, after a year of this i gave up the house and moved to the other side of the city, i only saw her a few times after that when she needed money. i am now 62 and have never had a close female friend since, i had friends that i met up with but was always scared of getting so close and feeling used again. i am lucky that i like being on my own and see my family every few weeks, i have been widowed since i was 39 and learned to be happy with my own comapany, as long as i have my laptop and books then i am okay. you need to decide if this friend is worth you being used, i understand about being lonely as my mum is always saying this but she won't do anything about it, she feels at 79 she is too young for lunch clubs and does not want to volunteer for anything.

I usually drop these so-called friends fairly quickly, if they do not respond when I ask for help.

Reading your post, however, I get the feeling that you want to keep up the friendship. If this is so, I think you need to lower you expectations with regards to this friend. Obviously the person is self-centred and not likely to change.

So ask yourself whether a one-sided friendship gives you enough pleasure for you to want to continue it.

PandoraBlue

Does anyone have any experience of how to deal with somebody who is only interested in you when they want something - I am finding life very difficult as I am lonely but I know I am being used - I am too nice a person

I think, Pandora that being in a 'Friendship' with this type of person will make you feel even lonelier.

This person is taking advantage of your good nature.Just ask yourself , if you knew someone was lonely and wanting a friendship with you on an equal footing, would you then use them in any way you could ? No , you would not, so don't let others do it to you. Some good suggestions here on how to meet others or socialise.You need to either pretend or actually BE busy when this person gets in touch with another 'Want' Don't let this person feed off your nice personality .

Knitter43

There is lots of good advice in these posts and I can only add that the older I get, the more realise how precious time is. I am happy in my own company and would only choose to spend time with people who make me feel better, not those who depress me. I divide the world into drains and radiators!!

Fair point 🤣

I've reached 67 and life is too short to be used, I'm not that desperate for company, if its a 1 sided friendship then get rid, it brings you down, ive got 3 really good friends and am quite contented with that...but each to their own

Knitter43

There is lots of good advice in these posts and I can only add that the older I get, the more realise how precious time is. I am happy in my own company and would only choose to spend time with people who make me feel better, not those who depress me. I divide the world into drains and radiators!!

Oh, how I agree with this Knitter43, its not simply putting up with the 'interaction' either, its the worrying/dreading before hand & the endless disecting after. I've unashamedly let go of all encounters that left me feeling 'less than'. Drains & Radiators indeed! Life is so much calmer.

Sometimes you have to accept that some friendships reach their natural end, you say that you are lonely but feel used. This not a real friendship, let it go and give yourself permission to look for new relationships

Newatthis
Just recently I have stopped phoning some of them to see the response

I too have stopped always being the one to phone people and waited for a response. With two friends this has worked when they’ve suddenly realised they haven’t heard from me. However, it’s now a year since I last phoned another one. The last contact I had she texted me to thank me for her birthday card and I replied saying how are you and shall we meet up? She replied telling me all the things she has been doing but ignored the meet up suggestion I have decided, therefore, not to send her a card this year and see if she notices. Otherwise I’m afraid that I might have toassume that our friendship had run its course.

There is lots of good advice in these posts and I can only add that the older I get, the more realise how precious time is. I am happy in my own company and would only choose to spend time with people who make me feel better, not those who depress me. I divide the world into drains and radiators!!

Yes I have experience of this when people use you only for their own gain and there is nothing in the friendship for you. Gently let her go and move on to pastures new where you will hopefully meet and make genuine friends. I wish you well.

Lovely post Shell, you radiate positivity.

You’re a people pleaser and my advice to you is to take a good look at yourself because it’s got nothing to do with the other person.
It is possible to change lifelong patterns and I’ve done it. Now I only surround myself with people who energise and appreciate me. I have a lot to give and simply expect it in return. There lies freedom from resentment. Shed this person and you won’t regret it.

Real friends are few & far between sadly.

I may add at my previous church in the uk I made good friends and am still in touch with them after many years

Friends don't appear at your door, you need to get out there and find worthy friends.
Volunteer, walk the dog , walk a neighbours dog, you would be surprised how many people stop and chat when you have a dog, I am in a similar position so I have to make a time for myself to get out and see people. Sit in a cafe. Walk my dog. Church is another place to make friends if you have a belief.
I do but it is very simple, I also join a Buddhist group occasionally as I like their simple ways and friendship though still go to my own local church, sadly this is where I found acquaintances not real friends but onwards and upwards it fills my faith need

Take it slowly though. People sometimes give up when they don’t make a lot of friends immediately. It takes time, but there are lots of older people out there who also want to be doing more - it’s just a case of finding the ones you want to be friends with.

I'd echo this. Two friends and I have joined our town's U3A and I'd say that although we've always been made very welcome, it's taken several months before people have started to have proper conversations with us.
Whether that would have been different if we'd joined on our own I don't know?
I also think there's an element of waiting to see if people are going to keep coming involved?

I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Some friends are users .

I'm going through this with two friends at the moment.
I actually feel increasingly disgusted with both of them .
Apart from ignoring me when I was really sick they've also not even thanked me for some nice gifts that I've given to them recently.
They both pretend to be enormously caring and generous with their time .
In reality both of them only do things which suits them .

One used me as an alibi to see a guy that she was in love with (she's the second person to do it to me ).

The other inflicted her constant marital problems on me for a couple of decades .

I'd tried to turn the other cheek ,but feel as though they've slapped it !

Is the main problem that you are lonely, or that being lonely means you feel you have to keep this person in your life, or is it that you like her, but find her selfish ?

Some people don’t seem to have a sense of the need to give as well as take. They aren’t friends so much as people we know. If they are good company, however, there’s no need to drop them altogether. Just learn not to rely on them and don’t go too far out of your way to accommodate them. Also, do you ask her to do things for you, or expect her to know what you want? That can be a problem too. I once read that there are two types of people - askers and hinters. Hinters find asking rude, but are hurt when their hints aren’t picked up, whilst askers assume that if others want something they’ll ask, so hints don’t get through to them. That’s a simplistic version, but it may be less that she’s selfish, but more that she doesn’t know you hope she’ll offer to do things you haven’t asked for.

Meanwhile, it’s maybe a good idea to expand your social circle. If your town has a local FB page there will probably be events advertised on there. I don’t mean big things - you can start small with a book group or knitting circle (or whatever interests you). Unfortunately, classes are thinner on the ground than they used to be, but you could check out local adult education and see if there’s anything there that you’d enjoy. Dressmaking, conventional French, bookbinding- you might be surprised at what’s on offer, and it would get you out of the house and help you to meet new people.

Clubs such as W3A and WI are another possibility, and volunteering helps with meeting others, too. As your circle widens you can decide whether to stay friends with the other woman. You may find she gives more when you need her less, or you may find that you see less of her because you are busy with other things.

Take it slowly though. People sometimes give up when they don’t make a lot of friends immediately. It takes time, but there are lots of older people out there who also want to be doing more - it’s just a case of finding the ones you want to be friends with.

My definition of a friend is someone who makes you feel better, if they make you feel worse for any reason, they are not a friend and should be dropped ASAP.

I had a 'friend' who used to meet up with me for the sole purpose of telling me how clever and successful various members of her family were. I never got to discuss my family, they could have all joined a cult for all she knew. I just became too busy with my voluntary work to see her and eventually she took the hint.

I echo Fallingstar. I find voluntary work rewarding and it is also a good way to meet people.

Don't let this person use you for their own benefit again. Some good ideas from previous posters for meeting nicer people. WI and U3A are good sources too. Hope you find some better friends soon.