Unwanted visitor

Thank you to
Grandmaof...
and
Astitchintime

Tell her you're sorry to let her down but you're not as young as you used to be and can't cope with week long visits anymore and hope that she will understand.
If she turns 'tut' it won't matter. She won't ask again.
There's too many of us people pleasers. We have to think of ourselves sometimes.

Poppyred

Just say no. The last visit was exhausting and I don’t think we have anything in common anymore. Honesty is the best policy.

I entirely agree. No need to lie, You do not want to continue the friendship, so surely saying you realised last year how far apart your lifestyles and views were, so you do not feel it would be a good thing to see her again.

Simple. Just say NO.
Go on be brave otherwise you will have another awful visit from her. She is obviously selfish. We knew a woman like that who took advantage of my in-laws for years and after they died did the same to another relative in our family. I said No not going to do that to us! My OH is too soft to say no. So I have to. Always the baddie.
Both people were from Germany and not bothered how much inconvenience was caused. Terrible bad manners. I dislike those kinds of visitors!
Just say NO.!

You need to be quite frank, without being personal. "I don't host anymore, of late it's becoming too wearing" , insert your age with a "life moves on, nothing lasts forever, I've drawn a line under having house guests" Entirely your prerogative.

She can make of that whatever she likes, if you think the friendship has run its course, are you bothered if she gets huffy? Hosting is hard work, I can think of a couple of people, I 'd like to say that to, who turn up year on year at ours.

There are some entertaining threads that crop up on this subject over on MN. I think inviting yourself to stay at anyone else's place is quite rude. I didn't always feel that way, age or possibly reading about situations such as yours OP.

We have two friends to stay a couple of times a year who we are very fond of, and while it’s lovely to see them it’s a lot of work even though it’s never more than two nights. We’re both in our eighties now and it’s just a slog! They live a couple of hours away, mostly motor way driving which I hate and avoid if possible. They would be more than happy to have us there and often ask us. So what do we do? They’re our oldest friends. I hate the idea of a hotel as I’m a poor sleeper.

Totally agree with Retread - tell this unwanted visitor the truth, which is that you have both gone in different directions over the last 65 years and have very different lifestyles.

Tell her that if she wants to visit your neck of the woods you'd be happy to meet her in a pub or cafe for lunch or afternoon tea just for a catch up but nothing more.

It rather sounds as though she simply wants a week's holiday at your expense - your accommodation and company.

Does she invite you to stay with her?
If you only meet up once a year,
then why bother with the friendship?
Good luck. Chose the version from the ones offered by the GNs.
You can do it.

I would just say I can’t host this year fir personal reasons but maybe next and it wouldn't bother me if she didn't reply.

They live a couple of hours away, mostly motor way driving which I hate and avoid if possible. They would be more than happy to have us there and often ask us.

Bazza could you travel by train and they could pick you up from the station?

Yes a train would be lovely V3ra and I’ve looked at the journey but they live in the depths of Essex and I’m not sure we could manage all the changes.

I wouldn't say "maybe next year" you need a permanent exit strategy not a temporary fix. You actually don't have to give a reason but as everyone has stated, "I don't feel up to hosting" is adequate particularly as this person has invited herself.

I have a similar problem with a school friend of DH. We live in a lovely area near coast and countryside and he obviously thinks we are a cheap hotel who will feed and entertain him at least once a year. He has gone too far when I have been alone with him in the past (won't elaborate) and I am very clear with husband that I will NEVER be alone with him.
The last time he invited himself, I tried to get husband to decline but he is too nice. This 'friend' has never invited us to stay with him despite us having poorly family close to where he lives, so we have to pay for hotels. Last time we visited the area he suggested we go for a meal together, husband ended up paying as he 'had to leave early'.
I think I need to dig my heals in about no further stays but he's DH friend not mine.
Opinions please

Just f***** say ‘no’. Far too many ladies are wimps!

No way jdip! He has broken your trust.

Is it a case you only want to stay in touch with you friend from school but only from a distance- as it is now? That is by way of letter, telephone, text or WhatsApp?

If so- Just. Say. No.

Or is it the case that if your friend comes to stay locally, pays for accommodation, but you would like to meet up with her whilst she is in the area- you could frame our reply along the lines others have suggested. Thats is- "At my age I don't have guests to stay any more. But if you are staying in the area it would be lovely to meet up for afternoon tea, a meal, an excursion- whatever suggestion you're open to.

Set personal friendship boundaries that work for your health and wellbeing. Good friends respect this.

Bazza
Say you can't do it any more . Neither hosting nor motorway driving.
Suggest they stay in a hotel near you so you can meet up. Dine out.

Jdip
Have you made it clear to your husband that this leech has serially harassed you. In your own home.
You need to put your foot down.
If husband insists say you will be going to stay elsewhere for the duration.
And do that.

I wrote sexually harassed but serially will do

I think I need to dig my heals in about no further stays but he's DH friend not mine.
Opinions please

jdip do you have someone, family or friend, who you could go to stay with if/when your husband invites this person again?
Tell him in advance that this is what you're intending to do, then do it.
You are under no obligation to host an obnoxious person in your home.
If your husband chooses to do so, leave them to it.

Great minds think alike

I'm not sure suggesting jdip should leave her home is the right approach, why should she? This old slimeball is her husband's friend. On that basis, husband can tell the friend, "I'm coming to stay with you, jdip is not up to receiving guests". Then freeloading git can reciprocate get off his arse, and set about preparing the guest room along with some meal planning. Maybe husband can let him know what he would like to eat when he's there, then the old roue can sort it all out. "Quid pro quo old chap!" should be husband's operative line.

I refer everyone to a great YouTube site.
@Bulletproofbabes1.
Dr Lonna Denny.
Don't Let People Walk Over You.

Short pithy practical advice.

wellbeck

Isn't it still best to just be polite and not come over as being unnecessarily unkind?
.
.

My sister's old school friend has done this to her a few times. Last time 3'weeks ago, for 3 nights. The friend plonked herself on the sofa and did nothing the whole time to help. My sis was exhausted, she is not in the best of health. She says she will never do it again. She's going to tell her that she can't have guests anymore as she did find it exhausting. I think we reach the stage when we need to be honest about what we can and want to do. Especially if you don't even enjoy their company. Wish my sister decided that she didn't.