Husband won't holiday away next Xmas due to MIL

Your mil is only 65. She can live 25+ years.

Will your life be highjacked to accommodate her?

Why shall you change your life because of her constraints- she doesn't like to fly so you shouldn't either?

Does she rely on your nuclear family for company? Does she have friends?

Yes, elderly people should be taken into account. However, when they condition your life to make it for theirs, it is too much.

What happens when she cannot take care of herself? Will you be her caregiver?

I take it as a compliment when my comments are called harsh.

To make it more convenient for them - apologies

Mil is not the matriarch of your family - YOU are.

I can see it from your husbands point of view. If he is the only family his mum has I think he is right not to leave her over Christmas. You say you have a son, where is he based?

Great idea "Classic*!
Why didn't I think of that!

I have friends who revolved their life around one elderly parent who was in 90s. By the time that responsibility ceased, she needed several surgeries, each requiring months of physio, and he had cancer. Live life while you can.

I think it is a fair compromise to go to the sun any other time in the year just you two. You and your husband both sound kind people. Its far easier going a few weeks after Christmas for travel etc.

I'm older than the MiL concerned and frequently spend Christmas Day alone (and genuinely love a day to myself). I've had several people, family and friends, aghast at this over the years. I would be genuinely mortified to put that pressure on my working children.

Although I can see both points of view, personally I wouldn't go away at Christmas, Christmas is for family and your MiL is family

TBF to the OP's m.i.l. we don't know if she's the one putting on any pressure. It could simply be that her son doesn't want her to be without him for Christmas.

From what we've been told about the way the OP has talked about her m.i.l. on a previous thread, she's a sadist etc, it seems pretty obvious to me that the OP doesn't like her m.i.l. and wants to find a way of not spending this Christmas with her.

I find it difficult to sympathise with the OP now knowing what she's previously said about her m.i.l. as her OP isn't a true account of her motivation.

You only get one mom and she won't be here forever. Sorry but I'm with your OH. I learnt the hard way and so wish I had put my mom first before a lot of things. Too late now though.

I suggested to my 2 boys (21&16) that we go away for xmas nxt time as weve just had the xmas from hell,weve all been ill,me more so than them, and didnt get to enjoy any of it one bit- however,they never like to because they love to be at home to do their presents and as big gamers its usually centred round playing new video games with online friends etc. But id really like us to do the abroad thing nxt year. They love to try new places and have no bother flying,so dont see why not.so ive kind of got same problem as eelouisa to a part extent.only its harder to shift my lads.(i cant go off without them theyve both got mild cerebral palsy,both are capable of doing things but i wouldnt want to leave them a week on their own for instance,plus that would put me away alone at xmas so what would be point of that? So i guess for same reason OP cant zip off alone either,cause who would want to be alone at xmas,including her MIL ,so that answers her problem,good suggestion from others is the 2 mums could have xmas together,if they get along? Or you all have xmas lunch out somewhere then go abroad after xmas?( that wouldnt work for my problem as the boys still wouldnt want to go away after either) or you could have a few days in britain all of you together? Some places 'do' xmas, warners or National coaches etc do some good ones ive heard.or how about going somewhere not a far flight,spain maybe,& try get MIL used to flying before then( dont airlines have courses for that?) let us know how you get on.and ill think over my problem.good luck.

I wish I still had my mum at Christmas, better than any holiday!
Why not do an easy, non-stressful Christmas at home, then go away afterwards?

You can take a vacation anytime. Holidays are for family. How would you like being left alone? Furthermore, if you do leave her alone, expect to be treated the same way from your son when you are old.

ethelj OPs son is only 1!

Hang on- your MIL can fly to be with her sister every other year,but she WONT fly at xmas for you all to go away together?? I have got that right? Im sorry but 'afraid of flying' means that your afraid at all times not 'only occasionally when it suits me' - this does seem to throw a different light on it,as the MIL seems perfectly ok to fly when it suits her to holiday with sister? But not so her son& his family can enjoy a holiday abroad for once? Then yes,she is being sly& manipulative in my book. Id organise a holiday for you& your own son,tell your hubby he and his mum are welcome to come,if not go without them.

Well spotted Nannan. We didn't get that bit of information until later in the thread. Of course if she can fly to her sister when it suits her she can jolly well fly with her son and his family.

Where does it say her son is only one MawB? I thought it meant there is only one son? If he is still a baby, perhaps the mil is worried she will have to do all the babysitting on holiday.

As your sons little Butlins do very good holidays over xmas apparently,good for kids,and all food taken care of! Ive never been at xmas,but have been to Butlins loads of times in summer,easter,etc,its great.no cooking if you choose food plans,no cleaning,you could even book your MIL her own separate 'room' or accommodation, but still have her with you.Id love to try it at xmas.They do it up like a winter wonderland! Look it up,it could be a compromise.and you can suggest it as a lovely hol for her darling only grandson! She'd seem churlish to resist.

Ellianne,

Search OP's background. Her son's age is there.

Is the son only little??still,any age can enjoy butlins,theres bingo even for your MIL,& she can make new friends.

I'd like to have been married to a man like your husband!

As someone else suggested, why not go away alone?

I find it very hard to understand children who aren't prepared to spend Christmas with their parents especially if there is 1 parent left. Surely Christmas is all about sharing, family and sacrificial love.

Send her on one of BA’s fear of flying courses! Then take her ?

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1270777-Mother-in-Law-issues-and-husband-mummys-boy

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1270503-Husband-seems-very-unhappy

From the fist link

"also with our son she will run in his room during the night every time he cries and smirks at me while holding him.. she likes to literally grab him out of my arms too.."

"I fell over last Christmas due to sheer exhaustion and injured my wrist/ankle, she laughed under her breathe and smirked,"

May I ask which area of the world your MIL is from? You mention she doesn't speak English well

Aw,its a lot clearer now..well,how about the MIL goes to visit her sister a week or 2 at xmas so that the son& his family can either,a) go with her but holiday at same time,maybe in their own acommodation,or b) go somewhere else entirely,but at same time so they dont have to worry over MIL.? And as for other problems they seem to have,well i can say you do need to evaluate your whole relationship- i for 1 wouldnt want to be in a marriage like that,and also,a child does NOT need its father in order to be happy.in fact would indeed be better for him if he wasnt in middle of a situation where both parents seem greatly unhappy together,also its not a good role model for him to have a dad whose a mummys boy.sorry to harsh.but the truth hurts.please sort the relationship,then the holiday plans will take care of themselves probably.