Husband won't holiday away next Xmas due to MIL

I feel so old!!!!! The MiL is only in her mid 60s . I am 65 in a weeks time. I didn't feel old until I started reading these comments. Would the OP be better off on mumsnet if she wants to moan about ancient beings in their 60s? I thought gransnet would be people of my own age group, yet it seems to have many people with small babies and children moaning about their elderly in laws.

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Alexa Because culture clashes aren't always between people from different countries or societies. Culture clashes apply also to family cultures of beliefs and practices.

Agree re family cultures; you did say family in your original post and I didnt take it in. Apologies

He has no siblings and doesn't want to leave her, she doesn't fly as is afraid of flying so we have no option but to stay put

But she can “fly to her sister”

I think OP is reacting to what she did not find an enjoyable Christmas. On two other threads I have read she complains about her MIL and there is clearly no love lost there.
Unsurprisingly, there has not been a massive amount of sympathy for OP’s perception of “the stress of Christmas” (a one- year old, was there anything else?) and I would not be surprised if we hear no more, now tempers have settled down again.
I hope so, it has been a sad, selfish thread and I hope that by the time OP’s son is her age, and has a wife and baby, she does not come to regret her attitude to her MIL.

I think it's very selfish to even consider leaving an elderly person alone at Christmas, full stop!

It is hard to be an only child with elderly parents. I know this from experience.

Could you go away somewhere next Christmas without flying to the destination?

I accept some people may have siblings who do not help with elderly parents and so still have all the problems on their plate.

Your husband is in a very difficult position.

Madgran wrote:

"Tge OP didnt raise culture! Who knows whether they are from different cultures. As she hasn't mentioned that Alexa it is difficult to see why it struck you as a possibility?"

Because culture clashes aren't always between people from different countries or societies. Culture clashes apply also to family cultures of beliefs and practices.

Oh sorry, I missed forgot that! Oops ?

I think OP did say her MIL doesn't speak english?

Tge OP didnt raise culture! Who knows whether they are from different cultures. As she hasn't mentioned that Alexa it is difficult to see why it struck you as a possibility?

I don't think it is a culture clush.

Yes, there could be a difference between op and her dh how this issue is to be managed.
However, they are married and they made vows to put each other first, right?
Or was it "lets not MIL feel lonely in xmas"?

My culture is very elder oriented. My dh's even more, where his parents live with him forever, the son being married or not, with kids or not.

He still listens to me and compromise what works for us. His culture does not overrule mine and vice versa. That is a marriage.

eelousia may come from a social background where it's the accepted custom for the married couple to be very separate from the old people.

And eelousia's husband may come from a different family culture where the old people are regarded for all practical and emotional purposes as part of the same family as himself and his wife

In short, this problem is a culture clash.

I am an only child too. Up until now, we have never left my Mum (or my Mum and Dad when he was alive) on her/their own at Christmas. I would feel awful going away as she looks forward to coming to us for Christmas.

To be truthful, my Mum isn't the easiest of people and as each year goes by I find it more stressful and tiring. I would love to have a week in the sun somewhere but I don't think I would feel comfortable doing it. I do understand, though, why my husband resents it and I do understand why it is annoyingthe OP.

However much you may dislike (despise?) your MIL, consider how your husband would feel. Would he really be happy on holiday - knowing that his mother is alone? I doubt it. He'd feel miserable and guilty as hell!

Ellianne you have asked where it says OP’s son is one, she posted the following on one of the other threads about MIL problems

We got married 5 years ago and had our son a year ago

I think your husband sounds lovely. He is obviously a caring man to be proud of. He knows his mum won’t be around forever and there is likely to be plenty times to go away over Christmas once she is gone. Just take a winter holiday before or after Christmas (cheaper!) and book Christmas dinner in a hotel to take the stress out of it for you.

Btw I always invited DM. She declined as not keen on winter travel (or keen on long time with my DH). She spent one on her own, found it hard, then went to one sister who was wonderful with her. (My DF was a widower with four children when he married my DM who was 39 and desperate for a family. I arrived after 4 years so generation gap plus being a disappointment, sadly

Hi OP. My heart goes out to you. The suggestion of doing Christmas followed soon after by a warm relaxed holiday sounds the best compromise.
It's a real dilemma. The 1st year we were married we did what we'd always done - each home to our respective widowed mother. DM and MIL lived 100 miles apart in Ireland and we lived in London. We'd rather not have gone but always did. That 1st time after married went down badly with my mother. She'd got in mind going to a hotel get together not far from MIL. We didn't know and anyway we only went for 2/3 days. That was the last time we did it. I felt bad the following year but got over it and then our children arrived.

I always enjoyed going back - to a point. As an 'only' and the black sheep who left there was guilt involved.

At 63, I'm not doing any marathons any time soon but I'm certainly well able to get on with things. I'm very aware that if I was on my own again, I'd have no problem with it. It would be yummy food, books and peace. As older marrieds we had our own interests and ways so welcome time on our own. It's a mixed bag with others in family - some parents suffocatingy involved, others the opposite.
My DH is a psychotherapist and believe me, he has been busy since Christmas!

I just wish my beloved mum was still here to spend Christmas with us. I know it’s not easy but I understand your husband as you don’t want to say “if only” when MIL is no
Longer here. Next year buy everything from M&S to take the stress away.

I would never go away and leave a parent on their own at Christmas. I never left mine at Christmas and my children would never contemplate leaving us on our own. It's a time for families to be together and a holiday can be taken at any time, straight after Christmas in fact.

I agree lots more to this than simply husband refusing to go away next Christmas! I remember her other posts but can’t find them now. From memory she seems to be unhappy with just about everything to do with her MIL!

OP doesn’t seem to be listening to any of the good advice she has got previously. I don’t feel I can add anything else. I can’t think about NEXT Christmas ?

Of course it's normal for an only child to want to be with their surviving parent at Christmas! You are lucky that you have siblings who can be with her but he hasn't so either stay in this country and go to a nice hotel with her and go away after Christmas/New Year or stay at home.

I see MawB has spotted that you might have more than just a holiday issue so maybe you should come clean!

You and your husband can go away at another time, no need to go at Christmas, your mother in law would be miserable on her own, besides you have to make the most of people while they are still with us. I’m sure you’ll have lots of years when you can do what you please. If you don’t want the stress of cooking book a meal out for you all Christmas day.

Could you arrange for MiL to go away at Christmas? There are lots of hotels that cater for older people on their own. (Though as I am 65 in two weeks, just like your MiL, I consider myself to be way too young to go to one! My own mum loved one near Llandudno). If she found one she liked and went a couple of times during the year, she might be happy to go at Christmas. That would free you to go away. At only 65 she is way too young to need looking after at Christmas. Could she not volunteer to help those in need? Can't help but wonder how old you and your DH are?

I'd go.anyway and give her and hubby lots of advance notice. You can arrange an xmas dinner and celebration before leaving and open presents in the new year.