Husband won't holiday away next Xmas due to MIL

Ok. I appreciate there are far deeper issues now than just the holiday problem.

This lady does not seem to be getting any sacrificial love or caring from her MIL or her husband? At xmas or any other time? My advice would be to separate as she seems to have come to end of the line with this poisonous relationship.get out now before it poisons your relationship with your child,before he gets any older..your problem is not xmas,its the whole marriage.

I vaguely remember that previous post but did not realise it was same person MawB. I think i advised then to get out of it ......

Some posters on the first link agreed it was a dh problem and now they turn it around and they are on the dh's side?

IM not on husbands side..he seems like a coward,a mummys boy,& hes becoming as mean as his mother if hes blaming his wife for everything.id take my child, and get as far away from the husband and his mum as i can.and stay there.

Nannan

Apologies, I wasn't referring to you at all.

I understand your feelings and your husband's too - but do suggest you get your winter sun at another time, and find another way not to feel stressed about Christmas. Your husband would not enjoy Christmas if he was worrying about his mum being alone and I salute him for it - to be old and alone on Christmas day could be very miserable indeed, if you know your family could have been with you, but chose not to be. Your husband chose you - he wants to be with you! But he also loves his mother and his caring nature is one reason to celebrate having him in your own life.

The drip feed was BU.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Just think, if you didn't have your very kind considerate DH and your DS went off and left you alone at special times eg Christmas, how would you feel. Some people have no one who would care, your DH does!

I’m not sure about the backstory with your MiL, but a thought - we have been away for Christmas and New Year with son, DiL and grandchildren to a hotel somewhere sunny. Lovely and we all enjoyed it but it didn’t mean we escaped planning and some work!

Another time I would plan a simple Xmas lunch in a pub or Cafe Rouge local to home with family, some places are not too expensive. And then leave for a sunny holiday on 27 Dec. Some people in our hotel had done this, and it seemed to be a cheaper option.

Obviously, this might not suit you totally, but I think it’s a workable option - if all else between you and your husband is happy.

We fortunately can afford it, and fully appreciate that many people for reasons of finance or disability, can’t consider this option.

Does this holiday actually have to be at xmas? Or you can do it in France or something and use the eurostar

We didn't go away this year, as we have a poorly elderly uncle, and no-one else to go visit him. So family came to us just after Xmas

? in the nicest possible way YAB a teeny bit UR. You can go away at any time of year so why pick Christmas? However I don’t think YABU wanting to go away at NY as it’s something and nothing and up until the 70’s wasn’t even a BH. Nice to know you have a husband that respects his Mum so much. Go away at NY, just not too far.

I'd go.anyway and give her and hubby lots of advance notice. You can arrange an xmas dinner and celebration before leaving and open presents in the new year.

Could you arrange for MiL to go away at Christmas? There are lots of hotels that cater for older people on their own. (Though as I am 65 in two weeks, just like your MiL, I consider myself to be way too young to go to one! My own mum loved one near Llandudno). If she found one she liked and went a couple of times during the year, she might be happy to go at Christmas. That would free you to go away. At only 65 she is way too young to need looking after at Christmas. Could she not volunteer to help those in need? Can't help but wonder how old you and your DH are?

You and your husband can go away at another time, no need to go at Christmas, your mother in law would be miserable on her own, besides you have to make the most of people while they are still with us. I’m sure you’ll have lots of years when you can do what you please. If you don’t want the stress of cooking book a meal out for you all Christmas day.

Of course it's normal for an only child to want to be with their surviving parent at Christmas! You are lucky that you have siblings who can be with her but he hasn't so either stay in this country and go to a nice hotel with her and go away after Christmas/New Year or stay at home.

I see MawB has spotted that you might have more than just a holiday issue so maybe you should come clean!

I agree lots more to this than simply husband refusing to go away next Christmas! I remember her other posts but can’t find them now. From memory she seems to be unhappy with just about everything to do with her MIL!

OP doesn’t seem to be listening to any of the good advice she has got previously. I don’t feel I can add anything else. I can’t think about NEXT Christmas ?

I would never go away and leave a parent on their own at Christmas. I never left mine at Christmas and my children would never contemplate leaving us on our own. It's a time for families to be together and a holiday can be taken at any time, straight after Christmas in fact.

I just wish my beloved mum was still here to spend Christmas with us. I know it’s not easy but I understand your husband as you don’t want to say “if only” when MIL is no
Longer here. Next year buy everything from M&S to take the stress away.

Hi OP. My heart goes out to you. The suggestion of doing Christmas followed soon after by a warm relaxed holiday sounds the best compromise.
It's a real dilemma. The 1st year we were married we did what we'd always done - each home to our respective widowed mother. DM and MIL lived 100 miles apart in Ireland and we lived in London. We'd rather not have gone but always did. That 1st time after married went down badly with my mother. She'd got in mind going to a hotel get together not far from MIL. We didn't know and anyway we only went for 2/3 days. That was the last time we did it. I felt bad the following year but got over it and then our children arrived.

I always enjoyed going back - to a point. As an 'only' and the black sheep who left there was guilt involved.

At 63, I'm not doing any marathons any time soon but I'm certainly well able to get on with things. I'm very aware that if I was on my own again, I'd have no problem with it. It would be yummy food, books and peace. As older marrieds we had our own interests and ways so welcome time on our own. It's a mixed bag with others in family - some parents suffocatingy involved, others the opposite.
My DH is a psychotherapist and believe me, he has been busy since Christmas!

Btw I always invited DM. She declined as not keen on winter travel (or keen on long time with my DH). She spent one on her own, found it hard, then went to one sister who was wonderful with her. (My DF was a widower with four children when he married my DM who was 39 and desperate for a family. I arrived after 4 years so generation gap plus being a disappointment, sadly

I think your husband sounds lovely. He is obviously a caring man to be proud of. He knows his mum won’t be around forever and there is likely to be plenty times to go away over Christmas once she is gone. Just take a winter holiday before or after Christmas (cheaper!) and book Christmas dinner in a hotel to take the stress out of it for you.

Ellianne you have asked where it says OP’s son is one, she posted the following on one of the other threads about MIL problems

We got married 5 years ago and had our son a year ago