Partner’s «joshing»

Just give it back

Sounds as if you need to have another word with him about this ‘belittling’ behaviour.
Tell him you find it hurtful and not to do it!

Sorry....a while back I TOLD him I found his behaviour hurtful...!!

Tell him again in no uncertain terms.

You have to say something or he'll get worse.
Tell him if he does it again, he'll get a dose of his own medicine.
Don't put the blame back on yourself, you are NOT neurotic. He's obviously saying enough to hurt you. He knows exactly what he's doing so don't be fobbed off with 'sorry dear, it didn't mean anything'.

I would ask him why, what exactly it is that you do / say that causes him to make comments, could be that because you are so different he finds something embarrassing & you do not , just ask him.

I'm afraid he would be getting the same back plus more if he where mine,but my chap is too much of a gentleman to try and belittle me in public or private for that matter.

Apparently, this sort of behaviour is classed as mental abuse and was part of my divorce proceedings. There is a problem in your relationship and you need to discuss it with him, if he's the sort with whom you can discuss things, which my husband wasn't!

You are definitely not neurotic.
Tell him what he's doing and ask him to stop it. He is maybe just thoughtless, let's hope.
If he keeps on regardless, that's a bit nastier.

I don’t want to cause an atmosphere when other people are around, so tend to ignore his comments and «looks», then the moment passes. Another get-together is happening in a couple of weeks and I’m sure comments will be made so I will seize the moment at the earliest opportunity to tell him how I feel

Good for you.?

Go for it, Wendiwoo!

Does he say these things to you in private or just when you're in company? My husband says things when we're with other people which he never mentions when we're on our own. Its very annoying but I just smile and agree. If it is bothering you too much I would tell him again and ask him to think before opening his mouth as it's upsetting you.

It is passive aggressive behaviour. The person wants to score points but is afraid to bring up the subject one-to-one. It's a snidey form of verbal abuse.

Well Wendiwoo, I can see several possibilities here.

The first is that men tend to do a lot of “joshing” with each other. It seems to be their way of bonding. So maybe he feels your relationship has become a bit distant and he’s trying to rebound. He’s going all the wrong way about it but that’s the aim.

Or he’s feeling a bit unhappy about himself, maybe about aging, perhaps you’re weathering rather better than he is. So bringing you down to where he sees himself makes him feel that you’re in it together, so to speak.

Or maybe, and please consider this, you have actually become a bit outspoken or dare I say boring about some of your opinions and because he is reserved he finds this embarrassing in social situations? So he tries to turn with a joke about Oh it must be her age.

It’s just a thought.

I find the following helpful when imparting informaton;

Tell him.

Tell him you told him.

Then tell him again.

I'd say that people who make such comments are very insecure. Tell him to pack it in and grow up !

As you have already told him how hurtful this it, and he is not listening, stronger measures are needed. Next time he does or says anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, I would ask him in front of everyone “ does it make you feel more of a man by trying to humiliate me in public” and just walk away.

Are you being outspoken though ? He may not agree with you. What if you were to say 'Let's agree to disagree? shall we?'

My husband and I have always agreed that neither of us must belittle the other in public. That is what he is doing, and it is somewhat pathetic. There is obviously stuff he is not in agreement with you about and you need to bring it up at a later time, to understand each other's point of view really.

"Another get-together is happening in a couple of weeks and I’m sure comments will be made"
Warn him in advance (early & gently - perhaps when planning for the get-together) so the situation hopefully does not arise ?? If it does, then you could come back for GN advice ...
but also consider Eglantine's 3rd para ... As outsiders, we obviously can't pass an opinion, but may she have a point ??

Sparklefizz got it in one. It's passive aggressive behaviour. My exH used to do the very same thing every time we were out with friends and when he'd had a drink. It took me years to recognise that the only way he felt good about himself was by making me look, and feel, foolish and humiliated in front of people. By all means ask him again to stop doing it but you also need to know why he's doing it. There will be a reason OP.

Chewbacca My ex did it too when he'd had a drink and I put up with it for years because, like you, it took me a long time to recognise it for what it was.

Here's a way to begin to understand his behaviour: This is the classic 'put down' and people do it for one reason: to make you seem smaller/inferior so they can feel bigger/superior. It's his problem but don't do it back to him. Try to work out why he's doing it. Has he retired in the last few years with no plan in place for keeping busy? Is there a new young whizzkid at work making him feel outdated? Is retirement looming? Men are not usually too complicated if life's going well. Find out what his problem is and help him to resolve it. Simples!

I know exactly what you mean Wendiwoo. Everyone's situation is different so I don't know if my experiences will be relevant though but, for what it's worth: In the past if I ever complained about this, the answer was 'Can't you take a joke?', i.e. it was my fault for being too sensitive. I probably was too sensitive (but, whatever, this sort of behaviour has nothing to do with humour as putting someone down is not the least bit funny).

I hate it when I see other men put down their wives/partners in company; they don't seem to realise that it makes them look pathetic, not their partners. Once I took this on board myself, I could actually see what my husband looked like to others if he put me down (or, the other annoying habit, talked over me as if what I had to say was never of any importance). Now, because I go out with friends a lot more and feel more confident and comfortable in myself (maybe just getting older/slightly wiser/less concerned with what others think), my husband doesn't belittle me nearly as much and, if he does, I just don't care and, if you don't get a reaction, not much point doing it! And so it happens less and less now and our relationship is much better for it.