Making friends

I didnt notice that you had reposted a couple of days later.
I hope that you are still about.
I did start a new thread that day.
But cant find it, to link it for you.
[I dont think that I use the search forum in the correct way, and I have no idea what I called the thread, or which topic I put it on.]

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Now i have realised there are more posts beyond the bottom of the page i will try to answer some of them !! Thank you all what a supportive bunch you are.
Rubylady a timely reminder about asking questions and maybe i need to practice this.
TriciaF did you know James Taylor is my favourite singer ? but i have just re listened to the words thanks.
Hymnbook i know what you mean my ability to talk to people is also dependent on how up or down i am feeling. I don't think you are doing anything wrong , you sound a very kind friend. When i don't feel able to phone people , i send them a friendly e mail which sometimes helps to keep a contact going.
Ethelbags Falconbird and Annsixty you have reminded me why i should not be stressing about my friendships . My mum also lost friends when she had cancer. I am interested to know what you feel would be the most supportive things friends / acquaintances could do when someone is ill. We all as potential friends should know this. Soontobe may be right in thinking this should be a new thread.

I am not sure. I will start a thread.

We do that with our NWR group, Gracesgran because it can be difficult to walk into a room full of strangers.

Basically you are expecting more from them than they are able to give, they were always like it , but you never noticed until the going got tough.

I'm afraid people drop away in any difficult situation soontobe but the good thing is that people you don't expect to can come up trumps too.

I have been thinking about this as it feels like a very relevant thread. I know I find it difficult to make new friends, partly because I do not have the energy to do so (illness) and it does take effort all round.

One thing you could do if you join a group is to make sure you become a meeter and greeter of anyone new once you have some idea who's who. I used to belong to an NWR group (then NHR) and ran it for a while. Many years later someone who had then become a friend said she would always remember me asking her, when she rang for details, where she lived and then saying how strange it always felt to go to a new group for the first time so I would pick her up and we would go together. I did always try to find someone who could collect new people on the way as I knew that I would find meeting one person much easier than walking into a room full of strangers who all knew one another. Perhaps that is something worth remembering once we are established in a group.

People don't know what to say or do- the same with death.
A very wise, elderly friend, once said to me that it means they were never a strong friend in the first place.
Some people are never strong enough to deal with it.

Does anyone want to start a thread asking why people drop away when someone is ill.
I dont quite understand why people do it.
The only point of reference I have is that I had an elderly uncle in hospital with a terminal illness. And a nice relative of ours was hesitant about visiting him. She did, but said she was terrified of visiting him because.., and I cant remember quite why. I think it was because she said she felt funny, and didnt know what to say?
I thought good on her for having the courage, but I couldnt really understand what was so difficult. She said she was glad that I was also visiting at the time as that helped her with the visit.

Same here. You certainly know who your true friends are when things get tough.

Some stayed for the first hurdle when my DH died and then faded away when my DS was diagnosed with cancer a few months later (he's recovering thankfully :-)

I try and make excuses such as well they don't know what to say etc., but it does make you feel disillusioned with life and people.

Ethel - I've joined lots of groups but sometimes it is an effort to go to them and if you're worried and not well it must be very difficult.

I also had a great job with lots of people contact and I do miss that.

My life has changed so much in the past two years and I'm often bewildered by events and people. Guess we just have to hold on in there.

Who was it said "Growing older ain't for sissies."

Totally understand where you are coming from ethel. It is 15 years now since I had breast cancer and DH was ill at the same time. It took us over a year to get over treatment and in that time people we socialised with who loved coming for meals and drinks dropped out like flies. We accepted this but gradually others slowly faded until we knew who the genuine ones were. However since DH has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's even some of those are now drifting to the odd phone call and coffee out with just me. I feel very sad and let down.

I find that its hard to make friends, I do have a small group of friends whom I have had for years but would like to meet new. I have found one of my friends has dropped me since I have had cancer. I can only assume its because I haven't got much conversation now. My job was my life and I met lots of people I feel so lonely now.
so I would love any hints how to make new friends

When I was a widow, years ago, I found that the most helpful thing was meeting other widows- they knew exactly what it was like. It was done initially through Cruse. I remain friends with some of them after remarrying and moving away.

I did make an effort to keep up with friends when my husband retired. He used to say that he only needed me but I could see that if anything happened to him I would need good friends around me.

When he died (suddenly) at the age of 67 I was so glad I'd kept up with my chums. They really stood by me and as my husband and I were only children I had no relations my own age to help out.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had gone first, but he was a more insular person that me and I think he would have retired into a shell. .

I was always a sociable type and haven't changed whereas my DH was a private person.

I have had 20 plus jobs during my working life during that time I have met a lot of people but I'm not in touch with any of them now I have tried keeping in touch & arranging to meet up but nothing happens. I don't think I am so horrible that people don't want to keep in touch or go out with me? I always try to be friendly & listen to them & try to be interested in them & help where possible. Someone I know still keeps in touch with people he worked with & old school friends as well he is so lucky. What am doing wrong? It does'nt help that I have bouts of depression & anxiety though.

Don't know what I'd have done without GN.

Im full of admiration for those widows I know, and those on GN, who somehow pick up the pieces (though keeping their special memories), and march out into the world to get on with their lives. It's what their husbands would have wanted, I'm sure.

Respect

Thank you falconbird you are absolutely right about Gransnet. You ladies have helped me through some very dark days (and nights).

PS. As time goes by you will begin to find your feet. I went to the cinema last week with two friends and have other small outings. I can't go very far afield but I take it steadily. Time will sort things out a bit, in the meantime keep posting on Grans Net, it's helped me so much.

nannieroz - I so know how you feel. My DH was my best friend too.

My DH was my best friend, but now that he is no longer with us I am totally bereft. Yes I have six really good supportive friends (who are helping me through this awful desolation) but they are three couples....... I feel the need for a companion (preferably female) to go on outings etc. I have found the grans on this forum to be friendly which helps when I am at home all day and all evening.

Reading the thread about the programme about a surgery has made me realise even more how much I miss working and meeting people. Also how I don't have a structure to my day any more. I had a big bust up with my work colleagues when I left so have pretty much lost all contact [it wasn't about anything personal but left me very angry]. The S.O. has the same view as your husband .

I don't meet many people these days either, but I've got a close friend in the village, it's taken a few years, but we depend on eachother a lot.
Someone on the previous page suggested inviting the person to your house for a meal etc, once you've sussed out that there's something to build on.
I just asked husband what he thought about making friends and he said I don't need anyone else, I've got you! He's always been my best friend.
I like this song about friendship:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7RPCFfudmU
Suggests you need to make some effort, it's about doing as well as talking.

I met up with some work friends that I haven't seen for years yesterday. I moved away from the area I'd lived in for many, many years to be near my children and their families.

Yesterday made me realise how much I've missed the company of 'old' work colleagues who became valued and trusted friends over the years.

I rarely get the opportunity to meet new people these days.

I moved schools a lot between the ages of 5 until 11 and I discovered at an early age that basically speaking, the best friends were the children who approached me.

When I was a mum at playgroup this happened again. There were quite a few mums I would have liked to have been friends with but it never happened, but other mums made overtures of friendship and that really worked out.

Is it just me or do other Grans find this to be a pattern?