Daughter-in-law problems....

I too just don't get why there has to be a problem/power struggle. But I know that I am sick of it now!

Or move in together and/or have children. DIL’s hold the aces and they know it. Why it has to be a power struggle God knows. My DIL once said to me, ‘I don’t know how to act with you as I’m not used to being around women of your age...’. That was after she ranted and raved at me. Umm... don’t we have to interact with people of ALL ages as we go through life?! She was 33 when she said this.

I think I'll resurrect this thread, because reading through the "estrangement" thread it looks like most of the problems with sons, start sooner or later after they get married. Wonder why ?

Yes yogagirl...I'm feeling much better...Thankyou
..no visits yet....I really don't know what I've done ...but never mind, I'll just have to get on with it and wait for every morsel that drops from their table, so to speak xx

CrayH Hope you are feeling better after your op Bad that your Son didn't visit you with some nice flowers, card and kiss whilst you were in hospital! Try to speak to him and say that if d.i.l wants nothing to do with you surely he can visit on his own with your GC. He must feel bad about this situation if you were close before. Good luck.

Lilypollen...you are lucky to have a loyal son and a good DIL...just ignore her mother....

Slightly off-piste and we have lovely DIL but her mother is the fly in the ointment. Admittedly they look after the GC 3 days a week - their choice - but as DS son says they go to the opening of an envelope! So GS 2nd birthday party last Saturday, we said we'd bail out but DS wanted us there as despite it being for babies and parents, his MIL was going. Last straw was when we walked in and she told me where the coat hooks were.

Reading these posts, I felt some comfort to think I was not the only one going through DIL problems. I have 2 DILs .....one is the sweetest, kindest girl you could find. The other is just downright rude and obnoxious. She is an only child and spoilt to the core. She is trying to alienate my son from me....she knows I was close to him. Unfortunately he doesn't have the guts to cross her and therefore he and I are so distant. It's 2 weeks since I had an op on my breast and neither of them have come to visit me , texted me once . She has 2 little ones and her excuse will be that she is too busy. But she is not too busy to visit her Mum and even visits my ex-husband and his new wife . I just have to live and let live....I thank Heaven for what I have ...... thanks for listening .

Yes Nonu I agree

I find the post from Stayanotherday very upsetting, such unhappiness for everyone.

Sudried, It sounds as if you might expect too much due to distance.

I had no idea of this estrangement thing, I had heard of estrangement, but thought there was a good reason for it, a family argument or such, but never thought I could be in for it! I wish I had read this thread on GN [didn't know about GN] and been warned of what could happen. At least you have some awareness Madgran and can therefore, hopefully avoid what has happened to me, Smileless and so may other kind, gentle Grandmothers on here [& other forums, many, many of them too!]

Madgranit must be awful to live with the fear of being cut out.

Being CO is really awful but at least Mr. S. and I are no longer living on tender hooks and wondering if or when we're going to see our ES and GC.

Hope it doesn't come to that for you.

I read so many familiar things in here and continue to dread possible CO by my DIL!

Grandparents are not usually invited to our DGS's parties and probably won't be to DGD's. Usually it is their friends and the friend's parents and is usually noisy and chaotic. There is always a grandparents party before or after in the house which works out nicely. Last year I did help as did DD2 and DS as DD1 was on bedrest with pregnancy complications so not allowed to do much. I think all the daddies had the greatest fun at that

I'm very involved and have a great relationship with my Dd, Ds and both their other halves, so no problems at all but I noticed that as soon as they started having Birthday Parties with friends from school, I wasn't invited any more. Was I bothered, was I heck.
Don't be upset, this seems to be how it's done these days.

I would tell your son you're coming for a few days holiday, book a hotel and ask when they're free to see you. That way you don't have to see DIL, you could meet your son and grandchildren on their own if that would avoid a difficult situation.

I have a son who lives with his family in New York. The GC are very welcoming, as opposed to my always sulking DiL. I stay with them. Hat would you suggest? My son doesn't even think about my staying in a hotel!

Thanks a lot Starlady and Yogagirl for your kindness. I feel for everybody in these situations, it's horrid.

Stayanotherday I said the post was horrible, not you.

You're very welcome, stay. I feel for you and I wish you the best.

Thanks so much Starlady. I hope you don't have problems like that.

Sorry if I've offended anybody as I'm aware we live in a different society and many people go on their merry way forgetting about older relatives, taking what they want and not caring in return. I'm sorry for the OP who was doing her best and anybody else in difficult situations. I hope things worked out for her. I just meant that I can relate to it from the other side of things. Not sure how I was being horrible?

Yes my parents were children themselves having me, I wasn't planned. They felt trapped and were pressured into an unhappy marriage where they blamed me. I was and still am quiet, shy and geekish. An easy scapegoat. We lived rurally and they weren't sociable people. The rest of the family didn't live locally, were a different age group, few family members were close with lots of jealousy and bickering and maybe they chose to look the other way.

On meeting DP, you're right Starlady, I did want to get on with his mother and saw it as a chance to have a mam figure or at the very least have a civil relationship as it makes life easier for everybody. This lady was going through a tough time admittedly and saw me as a rival instead of a potential daughter/friend. There's a history of her not getting on with her son's partners. When the hostility started I was hurt but decided to distance myself in return as I wasn't putting myself through that again. I never made it difficult for DP to see her as that's their business. His family are 'you're either family or a stranger' but the rest of them have been pleasant enough.

I asked myself what I did to deserve it, any reasonable person would and I'm not blameless but what do you do when somebody's taken against you and you can't do anything right? It's best to leave them alone than hit your head against a wall.

Thanks for the recommendation for counselling. I will think about that, although it'll be very painful to bring it up. I will look into those programs, it's always worth doing what you can to improve and when you haven't learnt social skills when younger. Thanks a lot for your kind words.

Stayanotherday, my heart goes out to you! How painful to have been rejected by your own family! I'm sure it had to do with unfortunate circumstances and was never really about you at all.

So sad, also, about DP's mom's behavior. It must have hurt all the more after being pushed away by your own family. But it seems to have been more about her and what she went through than about you.

It sounds as if you handled both situations as well as possible. Have you had counselling? It's done a good job if you have, imo. If you haven't, I recommend it. Iv heard there are programs to help "socially awkward" people (Idk for sure), and that might be a good idea, too.

Yes, this is a very old thread. The op's gs will soon be 7.

Sundried, do you still read here? Have things gotten any better?

Nantastic, your dil sounds very controlling. I'm so sorry. But she may mean well. She may really feel that hosting would be "too much for" you, as offensive as that may sound. Also, she may see these occasions as a chance to "get in" everybody - you, her extended family, and yes, your ex. If you hosted, presumably, you wouldn't invite ex and then they'd have to celebrate with him on a separate day. They might not want to do that.

You don't have to go to all their events though. It depends on whether it means more to be with ds and the gc or to avoid your ex.

Have you tried inviting them - just their little family - ds, dil, & gc - over for a simple lunch or dinner, unrelated to birthdays or Christmas? Maybe that would work better?

Obviously the same problems go on and on Anya. It's very sad.