Daughter-in-law problems....

Oh Dear this is very sad for you - can you Skype him or send him a text or e-mail on the day? when he is old enough he will be able to come and visit you on his own perhaps. In the meantime I think I would try to have a serious conversation with your son as this isn't doing your grandson any good. Best wishes for an improvement to this situation.

God that's horrible. I agree with Teetime...it's time for a serious talk with your son.

That said I never get invited to my grandchildren's parties because my ex will be there. My girls invite him to everything because they believe he needs them more than I do. A fallacy of course but he's a very manipulative man and I can see why they fall for it.

you have all my sympathy. I feel DH and I are heading the same way. The hurt is almost unbearable. I could give sensible advice that's in my head, but my heart doesn't seem to listen. [hugs] x

Talking to your son may make the situation worse, after all he already knows you are not invited and is going along with DILs wishes. You may be seen as trying to put a wedge between then. Oh walking on eggshells is hard! X

Have your own little party with him when your son brings him round. Tell your son in advance that you will be doing it. Perhaps make it lunchtime. Make or buy the best little birthday cake you can manage, get some party ring biscuits and some crisps. Make a lovely jelly to have with ice cream.

After the food have the present opening. (Buy some little things as well as the main pressie - pound shop?)

Do not take no from your son when you tell him you are doing it. Tell him either Saturday or Sunday will be fine.

Give it a try. Good luck.

ps. I went to one of my grandsons' children's parties. That was quite enough, thank you.

Sympathies to you - what a difficult situation. At least your son is gong to bring him round to see you - hang on to the good things, even if they seem very small.

Lucky you, to live close enough for your son to bring him round to see you. I suppose that sounds heartless; I am sure it is hard for you to have him so close but not immediately available all the time. There are dozens (hundreds) of grans here whose GC live on the other side of the globe - or the Atlantic - and many more, like me, who have to travel a couple of hundred miles to see them. Just keep the contact going through your son and perhaps - in a few years' time - the lad will be happy to come round the corner on his own to see his gran.

It does hurt when they're so close, though. I'm doing lots of school runs at the moment; I'm more than happy to do so. But I had an 'ouch' moment the other weekend when I said I might drop something round for the children but was told it would be best if I didn't because various family members were visiting that day. Felt like saying that I would be quite happy to enter via the servants door .

You should have Tegan!

Thanks everyone. It's my first time on Gransnet, and the support is so instant! I like the idea of a little party at mine. Will follow that one up.
To those saying I'm lucky living so close, I have to say that that adds to the hurt.
In fact my daughter in Australia who is pregnant with her first child makes me feel much more part of the family than my son round the corner!
Anyway, must move on - count my blessings - get ready for ukulele class and get on with life.
Hugs to everyone. Thanks for listening.

I don't attend the GC's birthday parties, way too noisy for me. We usually have a little celebration before the day, pizza at a local restaurant for example.
Don't read too much into being excluded, you can not be part of every event. Think back to your childhood, were your GPs part of your everyday life ? mine certainly weren't, I saw them a couple of times a year.

Sundried Welcome to Gransnet, I hope you'll 'stick around'. (Sorry I have been in the US for 10 weeks and it's beginning to show )

It's my English DGDs 4th birthday soon and I must confess that I'm rather hoping that my presence won't be required at the party!!

Joking aside, I realise how hurtful it must feel, if it seems to you that your DiL tries to avoid you. But thinking logically, there is no reason why DiLs and MiLs should automatically get on. Maybe she thinks you don't like her?

Just a thought.

Have a lovely time with your DGS when your son comes round with him, and no, I wouldn't talk to your son about how you feel.
' Least said, soonest mended', is not a popular piece of advice these days, but I think it applies in this case

I know if I'm invited to DGCs parties it means they want help with party games / making tea/ clearing up etc. which is fair dos - why else would a gran be invited? I am more than happy to be excluded from what is bound to be chaos. I was always relieved when small party guests went home.

No it's not me being paranoid, or wanting to be over-involved. My DL clearly wants me out of her life. I should add that she has no contact at all with her own mother, who, despite living in the same city, has never seen her grandchildren. It's a very real problem - feel as if I'm hanging on by a thread. I'm going to follow the advice, though, of those who say 'say nothing.' Thanks

That is so sad Sundried. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells. to you.

Sounds difficult for you Sundried. Your GS will become curious about you and want to know you as he grows older. The special things you do with him at your house will become important to him. I expect your son feels awkward.

My DIL in Australia has alienated my son from me and his sister, who lives there. It's not the nicest situation but, like you, I feel part of my daughter's family although they are on the other side of the world.

Keep busy, say nothing, things will work out

You've learnt fast sundried even though my sons know they can say anything to me and probably think I can tell them everything they'd be shocked to find out that I keep my opnions about their wives and our relationship to myself ( well I moan to my husband, to my own daughter and obviously to all you gransnetters) mostly because I don't want to hurt my sons, because they would be hurt. Their loyalties would be tested. They'd feel terrible if they knew I was hurt. They may very well challenge their wives. Then there'd be a row. The wife wouldn't back down or even worse she would and we'd be unwelcome guests. Everyone would be the loser. I made up my mind years ago that I might come in second place to my DIL families. I see less of my lovely darling grandchildren that her family.,but when I do see them I give them a time to remember. we make it really special. So far as the grandchildren are concerned it's worked a treat. I still somtimes feel hurt and I'm shamed to say really really jealous. . Childish I know but I can't help it.

I'm currently reading a book called Daughters-in-Law by Joanna Trollope, it's really made me think and see things a bit differently. I haven't finished it yet, but it shows all sorts of things going on that you aren't aware of when you get a new DiL.

sundried, I notice your dil doesn't see her mother, which doesn't sound a good indicator of the way she manages relationships. Unless, of course her mother is a harridan, always possible. You're wise to keep your counsel, as so many posters have wisely suggested.
Sending positive thoughts

I think with DIL"S you ARE ALWAYS walking on eggshells , could be wrong !!

Probably.

I am slightly surprised that you expected to attend your grandson's birthday party. His mum [and dad?] will be coping not just with a bunch of noisy young friends trampling jelly and birthday cake into the carpet as they sling the pass-the-parcel parcel across the room and, if mainly boys, jump on furniture, hit each other with cushions and generally get massively over-excited, but, most likely, their parents too. (Birthday parties are so much easier when the children are old enough to be left and simply picked up later.) I invited my mother to absentdaughter's birthday parties on only one occasion because I needed some extra help, which she very kindly provided. I celebrate my grandchildren's birthdays but wouldn't intrude on a children's party unless my practical assistance was required. Perhaps your daughter-in-law is of like mind and doesn't intend a slight.

It does seem to be a modern-day thing, this inviting adults to children's birthday parties. On some occasions it seems to be an excuse for a booze-up while the kiddies entertain themselves!

Very odd, and I agree with absent that the parents, plus perhaps a couple of 'helpers' should ideally be the supervisors. Grandparents and other relatives can see the child on another day, surely?

(Often, the party's not held on the actual birthday in any event, due to circumstances)